The White House has faced extreme media scrutiny and criticism over the failings of the Obamacare website launched last month. Today it held an official press conference to address these concerns.
Spokesman Jay Carney took to the podium with a prepared statement and fielded a barrage of questions from the press corps. Here the some highlights:
+ “Six people registered on the Obamacare website on the first day, which was incredible news. That’s six people more than registered on the previous day. It’s also an amazing accomplishment when you consider the quality of television programming these days.”
+ “Website problems are to be expected. When FDR launched Social Security, I’m sure he had lots of web hiccups. I’m no historian, but I’ll bet FDR Tweeted a lot about his frustrations launching the Social Security site. Tech problems are just part of the game.”
+ “We have been consulting with a guy named Chuck from Geek Squad about fixing the website. We’re pretty confident we’ll be getting the Obamacare website up to snuff soon.”
+ “On the good news front, we’ve developed cutting edge technology that’ll allow us to send out 412 emails a day soliciting funds to support the President.”
The ink on this horsehide makes it worth millions.
With the World Series underway, The Lint Screen is happy to continue its coverage of the world’s most valuable baseball, a story we broke back in the spring of 2010 (Part #1)(Part #2).
This ball was secured for an undisclosed sum on the internet and features autographs of some of the most impressive people in history. Let’s continue a look at the incredible baseball backstories of some of the signers.
Stevie Wonder played in a 1969 game for the Houston Astros against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Although the famous singer is sightless, he was used as a pinch hitter. The first pitch was a fastball on the outside right corner of the plate that the umpire called a strike. “What are you, blind?” Wonder said with a smile. The next pitch was a curve ball that hung over the plate. Wonder smacked a 500-foot shot over the right center field fence and trotted around the bases to deafening applause. He never played again, except for music. He played lots of music.
One of the most valuable signatures is that of Jonas Salk, the medical researcher who discovered the first polio vaccine. Salk was an enthusiastic Mets fan and was given the opportunity to pitch a game against the St. Louis Cardinals on July, 17, 1966. Salk walked the first 24 batters and was pulled. The distinguished doc was booed by angry fans. The guy sucked.
Janis Joplin had one trip to the plate for the Milwaukee Brewers in a game against the Yankees on May 28, 1970. She was hit by the first pitch, took her base, stole second, advanced to third on a error by the right fielder and scored on a sacrifice fly. “This is a day I’ll never forget,” the famous singer told reporters after the game. “What is it, like Tuesday or something?”
The Boston Red Sox used Desmond Tutu as a designated hitter on August 14, 1989 in a game against the Baltimore Orioles. Tutu struck out twice, was thrown out following a bunt and floated a single into left field. “I may be the best player ever,” he said following the game. “I rock royally, bitches!”
The 80’s pop sensation Wham! played on the Seattle Mariners in a game against the Texas Rangers on September 3, 1984. George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley shared a uniform and pinch hit rocking a grand slam homer over the centerfield fence. The Mariners tried to sign the duo to a multi-year deal but the pop stars declined. “Rockers get more chicks than ball players,” George Michael said.
Other notables who signed the is baseball were legendary center fielder and astronomer Copernicus (a surprisingly good infielder), Cher’s first husband and golden-gloved Irish rocker Bono (who had a pea shooter for an arm), and epic base stealer, director Alfred Hitchcock.
If you’d like to make a bid on this baseball, make an offer.
The Obamacare server is having some technical difficulties.
Now that the budget battle and political bickering is over, Americans interested in enrolling in the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) have been frustrated by little technical glitches, like the website not working. The Obama administration has jumped on fixing the system.
“It’s kind of embarrassing,” said an anonymous White House insider. “We’ve been telling people that government can do great things like make healthcare affordable for all Americans, but then the government can’t build a website. Meanwhile, Amazon knows if you’re even thinking about buying something and gives you fourteen suggestions.”
So far, investigators are flummoxed as to what is causing the technical difficulties. “We’ve been consulting with the technical expert heading up website operations, a tech wiz named T. Ed Cruz, but so far he’s been unable to find the problem. He said it could be a simple fix like a Microsoft upgrade. He’s looking into buying one on Amazon.”
An elderly Ohio couple on the lam fears for their lives
To their eight grandchildren, Ester and Roland Oylingter of Wooster, Ohio are known as “Nanna” and “Pa-Pop”, but the grandkiddies haven’t seen the elderly couple since Sunday. Why? Obamacare.
With the Affordable Care Act, AKA “Obamacare”, going into effect on Monday, October 1, the couple fled their home on Sunday and are traveling anonymously across the country.
“We’d been watching Fox news for years, and we knew that Obamacare was going to fund death squads to kill grandparents like us,” said Roland in an exclusive telephone interview (from an undisclosed location).
“We’re not idiots,” added his wife shouting in the background. “We’re not about to sit around and wait to be killed! No siree, bob!”
Mr. Oylingter said the couple are worried about more than just their own impending death. “Obamacare is going to ruin our country. It’s going to bust our economy and our grandchildren will be sold into slavery to pay off our debt to our Chinese overlords. It’s also going to cause millions of people to die needlessly because government doctors will be poisoning people to keep rates low so we can open our borders for illegal aliens and insure them. I think Obamacare even covers al Qaeda terrorists. It’s also going to cause earthquakes and hurricanes, then Satan will be coming here his ownself to get some insurance and then turn our big green planet into a blazing inferno of hellfire and liberalism. How do I Know all this? Because I watch Fox. I ain’t no dummy.”
Irate tea party members in Congress have shut down the government because they can’t get their way.
“We’re steaming mad about this Affordable Care Act,” said one upset congressman. “We don’t care if it is the law passed by the democratic system of government, it’s not what we want and we must save the American people from democracy.”
Another congressman said, “The problem is we’re spending money on the American people when we should be spending money on bombs and arming our military to invade foreign nations to plant the seeds of democracy, which are patented by Monsanto, so that foreigners can enjoy the sweet, sweet fruits of freedom and liberty. Look, if we waste money here at home, it screws everything up. If we have to wreck the U.S. economy to get our way, we’ll do it. We have to prove a point.”
Meanwhile, a cluster of congressman huddled together and fist-bumped one another. “The enemy is the American government, and we came here to prove it. We won, we won!”
Excited lobbyists made it rain $100 bills and resumed writing their laws in case the government ever get back to work again.
