The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Nanna & Pa-Pop Flee Obamacare Law

    An elderly Ohio couple fears for their lives
    An elderly Ohio couple on the lam fears for their lives

    To their eight grandchildren, Ester and Roland Oylingter of Wooster, Ohio are known as “Nanna” and “Pa-Pop”, but the grandkiddies haven’t seen the elderly couple since Sunday. Why? Obamacare.

    With the Affordable Care Act, AKA “Obamacare”, going into effect on Monday, October 1, the couple fled their home on Sunday and are traveling anonymously across the country.

    “We’d been watching Fox news for years, and we knew that Obamacare was going to fund death squads to kill grandparents like us,” said Roland in an exclusive telephone interview (from an undisclosed location).

    “We’re not idiots,” added his wife shouting in the background. “We’re not about to sit around and wait to be killed! No siree, bob!”

    Mr. Oylingter said the couple are worried about more than just their own impending death. “Obamacare is going to ruin our country. It’s going to bust our economy and our grandchildren will be sold into slavery to pay off our debt to our Chinese overlords. It’s also going to cause millions of people to die needlessly because government doctors will be poisoning people to keep rates low so we can open our borders for illegal aliens and insure them. I think Obamacare even covers al Qaeda terrorists. It’s also going to cause earthquakes and hurricanes, then Satan will be coming here his ownself to get some insurance and then turn our big green planet into a blazing inferno of hellfire and liberalism. How do I Know all this? Because I watch Fox. I ain’t no dummy.”

  • Tea Party Terrorists Strike

    The tea party is having a party.
    The tea party is having a party.

    Irate tea party members in Congress have shut down the government because they can’t get their way.

    “We’re steaming mad about this Affordable Care Act,” said one upset congressman. “We don’t care if it is the law passed by the democratic system of government, it’s not what we want and we must save the American people from democracy.”

    Another congressman said, “The problem is we’re spending money on the American people when we should be spending money on bombs and arming our military to invade foreign nations to plant the seeds of democracy, which are patented by Monsanto, so that foreigners can enjoy the sweet, sweet fruits of freedom and liberty. Look, if we waste money here at home, it screws everything up. If we have to wreck the U.S. economy to get our way, we’ll do it. We have to prove a point.”

    Meanwhile, a cluster of congressman huddled together and fist-bumped one another. “The enemy is the American government, and we came here to prove it. We won, we won!”

    Excited lobbyists made it rain $100 bills and resumed writing their laws in case the government ever get back to work again.

  • Hannity Considers A Hairstyle Change, A Nation Girds Its Loins

    Hannity urged to move part to the far right.
    Hannity urged to move his part to the far right.

    Tea party members are flipping their wigs, and now Fox mega-broadcaster Sean Hannity is considering changing his hairstyle.

    Hannity, the popular conservative Fox pundit, has had the same hairstyle for years, a part that is just to the left of the middle of his scalp. The hair has recently outraged many tea party members.

    “Sean can talk the talk all he wants about conservative values, but his hair is sending a different message,” said C. Ramsey Toomsade, a tea party member in Richmond, Virginia. “His hair says he’s left of the middle, and I say that means he supports government entitlement programs, abortion, a nanny state, Islamic terrorism, stomping on the Bible with muddy boots and gun control. I think it’s high time Sean took his part to the right–– the far right, and showed if his true colors are red, white and blue!”

    A spokesman for Hannity said the newsman is exploring hairstyle options. “Sean has a natural part, but we’ll see if maybe a perm or scalp surgery can move that part to the right. We don’t want to disappoint our audience!”

  • Analysts Blame Elvis Costello For Apple Stock Dip

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    What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and iPhones?

    Yesterday, Apple’s leader Tim Cook headed a special news conference where the rock musician Elvis Costello performed.

    Today, Apple stock is getting hammered on Wall Street.

    “Elvis Costello was a mistake,” said a Goldman Sachs tech analyst. “Cook should have picked someone hip and hot, like I don’t know, maybe Steve Perry from Journey or who’s that lead singer of Kansas–– ol’ what’s his name.”

    A Morgan Stanley analyst thought Miley Cyrus would have been a better choice. “She’s hot what with her twerking and all, and have you seen this new video she did for ‘Wrecking Ball’– man, Bruce Springsteen didn’t get naked or lick a sledgehammer when he did that song!”

    At the news conference, apparently Apple also had some new product news.

  • Miley Cyrus Story Runs With No Picture

    Yes, you’re right– what idiot approved that idea?

    Sorry.

  • World Grieves Dead Bird

    Beloved bird flew the coop.
    Beloved bird flew the coop.

    Waves of grief are gripping the globe at the news of the death of Flappy Wings Birdie-Boo, a beloved bird known, respected and revered for its ability to “fly in the sky, way up high.”

    “The body was discovered this morning,” said Capt. Brian Ferriswheel of the Atlanta Police Department. “Until the autopsy report is completed, we cannot rule out fowl play.”

    Calls into the morgue were met with equal parts anger and bitterness. “Leave me alone,” shouted an irate Kenneth Tiltawhirl, the county medical examiner, “I’m only one man and last time I checked I haven’t received a pay raise in seven years. And this morning, my toaster crapped out and I spilled coffee on these new off-white linen slacks. How you like them apples, mister smartypants?”

    Meanwhile, many mourned the tragic news.

    “Flappy Wings Birdie-Boo was a very popular birdie-poo,” said Rex The Talking Dog. “He had over 3,200 Facebook friends, over 460,000 followers on Twitter and a very robust Google+ account. It’s a real loss. Wish I could talk more, but I have to go to elocution class.”