The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • “Snowden Must Go!” Says Russian Shop Owner

    Home sweet home, but for how long?
    Home sweet home, but for how long?

    National Security Agency leaker Edward Snowden is a man without a country, and a man without many fans at the Moscow Airport he has been holed-up in for weeks now.

    “The guy’s a bum,” said Aleksey Tangomir who operates a newsstand at the airport. “Every day he comes by here stinking like a dead sewer rat who doesn’t use deodorant. He thumbs through the magazines and plays with the souvenir Putin stuffed dolls or the secret police keychains with the retractable 6″ serrated blade and pop-up Makarov pistol, but the cheap bastard never buys anything. I’m sick of him. Yankee go home!”

    Nikodim Driscoll, manages the chain restaurant Borscht-A-Teria in the airport. He wants Snowden out. “He comes around here saying he will swap secrets for Borscht. Wants to tell me how American big brother is watching Americans. Who cares? My big brother works for KGB, I know he watches us. My sister was disappeared last year! I tell Snowden, ‘No borscht for you!’ but he never laughs. Must not be a Seinfeld fan. Who needs him?”

  • Teddy Roosevelt’s Bucket List Discovered

    New discovery reveals there was much T.R. wanted to do before he died
    New discovery reveals there was much T.R. wanted to do before he died

    Tom Westsforshire, the world’s foremost authority on Theodore “T.R.” Roosevelt, recently discovered the ‘bucket list’ of the 26th President of the U.S.

    “Of course, back then there was no such term as ‘bucket list.’ TR called his list ‘Stuff To Do Before Dirt Napping’– same dif.”

    Westsforshire gave The Lint Screen this exclusive sneak peak of the list.

    1. Shave my stupid ‘stache and grow some epic mutton chops w/ soul patch
    2. Carry big stick
    3. Learn tap then learn how to ride a horse– teach it tap, too!
    4. Give cuz Franklin D. a noogie to end all noogies
    5. Visit Utica, New York, get a sauerkraut foot long
    6. Get mug done on side of mountain
    7. Ditch the glasses, get Lazik– swing!
    8. Wear lacy dresses and accessorize accordingly
    9. Get a stuffed animal named after me– Theodore Caniform?

  • Cute Cat Kills Cute Girl

    "Cuddles" killed Sally to garner more share of cuteness spotlight.
    “Cuddles” killed Sally to garner a larger share of the cuteness spotlight.

    The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “There is only so much cuteness in this world to go around.” And, brother, maybe he was right!

    This morning, a cute kitty named “Cuddles” ripped the face off its owner, a precocious and cute little girl named Sally Jeffers in Roanoke, Virginia. As a result of the cat-inflicted injuries, Sally bled out and will be retired to a plot in Mother Earth.

    “It’s tragic,” said Dr. Vincent Dundersin, the emergency room physician who tried to save Sally’s life. “There were claws imbedded in her cheekbone. That cat went wild with fury, but let me tell you, that kitten looked so incredibly innocent when I pulled it off her face. In fact, the little bundle of fluffy fur and whiskers meowed and purred as it gently licked a ribbon of her dangling ripped flesh. It was precious and adorable. The nurses and me just said, “Aw, isn’t that the cutest thing! Kitty misses his master!”

    “I believe Cuddles felt threatened by Sally’s cuteness,” said noted animal psychiatrist Dr. J. Sigmund Grengor, “and Cuddles took action for self-preservation. What else could he do? If an animal feels threatened, he acts.”

    Perhaps the level of cuteness in the world is stable, for now.

  • Sticky Fingers Putin

    Putin stole my trophy!
    Putin stole my trophy!

    Now that Robert Kraft has ratted-out Rooskie leader Vlad Putin as a no goodnik thief, I want to tell my story of how the commie head cheese stole from me.

    It was April, 2004. I had been invited by the red bigwig because Facebook had recently been launched and the Vladster wanted to know if he should join–– and if so, what his “friending strategy” should be.

    As was my habit back then, I traveled with my second place spelling bee trophy from the fourth grade class of St. Pat’s Elementary School in Hubbard, Ohio. Although I was a junior in high school when I had won the trophy, I was proud of my incredible accomplishment and recognition.

    Anyway, I showed the trophy to Putin and he was impressed with its heft. “I could kill someone with this,” he quipped.

    “Yes,” I said, “and then write a letter-perfect obituary for your victim.”

    Vlad liked my joke and he crouched low and began doing that crazy Russin kicking dance. Then he kick-danced out the door with my trophy in hand. I went to follow him but six large K.G.B. agents surrounded me. “Bad idea, comrade,” one of them said to me. “Let it go, dude,” said another.

    So I did nothing. Later at a meeting, I requested that the trophy be returned, but Putin just looked at me, cocked his head and said, “And you are?…”

    Four years later, Putin finally did join Facebook and he “friended” me. I’ve yet to respond.

    I want my Buster Buzzy Bee-Bee back!

  • Star Trek Stars Defy Time Space Continuum

    William Shatner gets better with age.
    William Shatner’s looks get better with age.

    What’s the deal with these “Star Trek” actors? They never seem to age. In fact, like fine wine, marshmallows and certain strains to sauerkraut, they just get better with age.

    Take William Shatner. Wait until you see him in this new movie Star Trek Into Darkness–– dude looks great. And Leonard Nimoy, well his ears haven’t lost their edges nor has he lost his legendary hunkiness. Plus, he’s still smart as the dickens and quick as a whip. He could vulcanize rubber for Goodyear.

    Sulu, Doc “Bones” McCoy, Scotty, Uhura, Chekov, why they all look phenomenal in this movie, I mean for actors who have to be pushing 90 or 100 years old. Whatever they’re doing in Hollywood–– the legal weed, macrobiotic seaweed diet with seltzer enemas, yoga organic antioxidant kelp-infused orgies, hair plugs with vitamin-enhanced roots–– it’s working.

    Why, these cats seem to be going back in age like some sort of Ponce de Leon party trick. Check out this movie and see for yourself.

    Oh, and this film takes place in the future somewhere in outer space. Maybe that explains the space ships that seem to play a central role in the plot. Could be space travel is the secret to turning back the hands of time, like old Alfred Eistein said in his theory of relatives and their activities.

  • NSA Disclosure May Force Politicians to Read

    Rumors of literary coming to Washington
    Lawmakers may be forced to actually read.

    The recent discloser by Edward Snowden, a defense contractor consultant, that the National Security Agency (NSA) has been monitoring phone calls of all Americans has caused a kerfuffle in Washington. Many citizens view the monitoring of calls made and duration of call times as an invasion of privacy, even though these actions are authorized by Congress under The Patriot Act.

    Washington politicians are also up in arms. “Look, I voted for The Patriot Act three times but I had no idea that it gave the government the right to spy on us,” said an anonymous Senator. “It was a huge damn document and like all the other lawmakers, I didn’t read it because I figured there’d eventually be a Cliff Notes version of it or a movie, but now that I’m finding out the powers it grants the government– I’m outraged. I may have to actually read this sucker! I can’t believe we’ve freely given the government these powers to invade our privacy!”

    Later that night, records show that the Senator called some escort services and surfed some porn sites.