The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • April Fool’s Joke Ends Tragically

    Chet Woodstrom is not laughing-- because Chet Woodstrom dead!!!
    Chet Woodstrom is not laughing– because Chet Woodstrom is D-E-A-D!!!

    Tom Mundyfort and Chet Woodstrom had been friends since the age of five, but that friendship ended tragically this morning when Mundyfort shot Woodstrom dead, the unfortunate victim of an April Fool’s Day prank gone awry.

    “We always tried to one up each other,” said a sobbing Mr. Mundyfort handcuffed in the back of a patrol car, “and I guess I one-upped him one too far.”

    Mundyfort explained that last year Mr. Woodstrom had pranked Mr. Mundyfort by throwing a water balloon at him. “He got me good. I was drenched! Well, I told him, I said, ‘Tom, next year I’m going to pay you back but good for getting me wet!’” And this year he did.

    Mundyfort glued a $5 bill on the floor of the office garage by Mr. Woodstrom’s parking spot, then he lay in wait hiding behind the corner. When Mr. Woodstrom pulled into his spot, he got out of his car and spied the $5 bill. The unsuspecting man bent over to pick up the Lincoln when Mr. Mundyfort unleashed his April Fool’s joke– he shot him four times with his Glock.

    “I only meant to wing him in the shoulder,” said a visibly distraught Mundyfort, “but I guess my aim was off and I capped his noggin. Man, I’ll bet he never even saw it coming. It looks like I won but I never wanted to win this way.”

    The police drove off with the gunman to enter the legal system where he will be served a heaping hot dish of justice.

  • Kim Jong Un Threatens Attack of Killer Dragon

    Kim Jong Un reveals secret weapon, threatens USA.
    Kim Jong Un reveals secret weapon, threatens USA.

    North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is so upset with the United States of America, he is threatening an attack of “the biggest, nastiest most lethal and deadly flying dragon ever, breathing killer fires of death and destruction to murder terrible, evil imperialists! We will win this game of thrones game with our superior dragon weaponry!”

    Un, or “The Greatest Person Ever To Walk The Earth” to his friends, says that he must take a stand against the U.S. because “I’ve got to prove myself even more batshit crazy than my old man was, and believe me, I’ve got a ways to go yet.”

    The North Korean dictator has dropped rumors that he may also have other weapons at his disposal including “an 800-foot cat who is hungry and has very sharp claws, a giant octopus that will throw children having temper tantrums and a mermaid that brews very weak tea and then detonates nuclear bombs that kill and destroy all living things. The weak tea disappoints, but the nuclear weapons hurt even more.”

    There has been no official U.S. response to Un.

    Un selects children for octopus launching
    Un selects children for octopus launching

  • The Beatles & Me

    They may not have changed the world as a barbershop quartet.
    They may not have changed the world as a barbershop quartet.

    It was just over 50 years ago when the Fab Four released their first record to a square world and ushered in Beatlemania, moptops and you say you want a revolution–– well, you got it.

    Sure, those Brit guys get the glory but a small kid from Ohio (me) had a bit of an influence on the band. Dig.

    Here’s the original Lennon-McCartney lyrics to She Loves You:
    She loves you,
    yes, yes, yes
    She loves you,
    yes, yes, yes…

    I suggested they get a bit more informal–– yeah, yeah, yeah.

    The band originally wanted to sport crewcuts, wear cardigan sweaters and perform barbershop quartet music. I suggested they let their hair grow, suit up and play electrified rock and roll music.

    The band wanted to drop acid–– sulfuric acid. A punk kid talked them out of it.

    The same kid helped them change the lyrics to some of their most famous songs. See if you can guess what those songs were from these original titles the band had: I Am The Wombat, Baby, You’re A Financially Sound Man With A Diversified Portfolio, Carry That Freight, Revolution 7, Penny Loafers, Very Attractive Sadie, Let It Pee, A Day In Wife, Glass Pearl Onion, Cathy Rigby, Everybody’s Got Something To Ride Except Me And My Orangutang, Get Plaque, The Day Before Today, She Came In Through The Coal Chute, While My Guitar Takes Imipramine To Boost Its Spirits and Here Comes That Big Yellow Circle Thingy In The Sky.

    Yes, the band changed the world, but it might not have been without some guidance in the shadows from a midwestern youngster.

  • Dude to Get Drunk on St. Patrick’s Day

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    Brian Patrick Flannigan plans on being hungover March 18. “I’m getting totally wicked wasted on St. Paddy’s Day,” said the 21-year old Lawrence, Massachusetts native, “I think he would have expected me to get blotto in honor of his birthday.”

    Flannigan says he plans to wear all green on St. Patrick’s Day and drink only green beer. “St. Patrick invented green beer so I’m going to hoist a couple dozen in his honor. Green beer tastes better because it’s fresher. It’s green!”

    The young man says he’ll also be sporting a “Irish Me Kiss I’m” button. “It’s hilarious because the words are all scrambled like they’re drunk or something. It’s a real conversation starter, for sure, and I think the ladies will be all over me. Can’t fail.”

    The ambitious man states he will be training tonight for his St. Patrick’s Day celebration. “Me and the boys are pub crawling tonight, priming the pump for tomorrow. We’re training like athletes getting the old liver in shape. I think St. Patrick would be proud. He was the patron saint of partying! Wooooo!”

  • 6 Pope Predictions

    A look inside what's what in the V-City Race
    A look inside what’s what in the big holy roller race

    Here are some safe bets as the Papal conclave to replace retired Benedict XVI begins in Rome:
    – The new Pope will be Catholic (or at least a very conservative Methodist)
    – The new Pope may look into securing a new Pope Mobile as attractive financing rates are available for a limited time only during Pope-A-Thon Daze
    – Chances are the new church leader will not select the following names: Pope Awesome, Pope Spike, Pope Jimmy T., Pope Coolness or Pope Slappy
    – The smart money is on the winner being male
    – Although campaigning will be intense, Karl Rove and James Carvelle will not secure consultant fees
    – The winning candidate will most likely not moondance and trash talk competitors

    Remember, you read it here first!

  • Michelle Obama Possibly Cheated Oscars, Cruz Claims

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    Feisty freshman Texas Senator Ted Cruz has accused First Lady Michelle Obama of “possibly cheating the world out of the legitimate winner of the Oscar for Best Picture, Lincoln by instead naming Argo as the winning film.”

    Cruz noted that because the First Lady read the winner’s name from a sealed envelope, “who knows what was really printed on the card as the Oscar-winning film? She could have said anything, and what she did say was that a film that glamorized the failed presidency of liberal Democrat Jimmy Carter beat out a glorious film about the presidency of the first Republican, Abraham Lincoln.”

    Cruz snapped the neck of a squirrel and continued his tirade. “Obviously, this cheating would be another attempt by her husband’s administration to deflect attention away from what really happened in Benghazi, and the fact that Chuck Hagel may keep ‘I Hate Israel’ signs in his basement, hidden behind his possible enormous collection of Nazi artifacts. I and the American public want to know the truth about what really happened last night at the Oscars, in Benghazi, in Hagel’s basement and in that Kenyan hospital where her husband may have been born!”

    The White House refused calls from The Lint Screen, then again, most houses do the same.