The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • NRA’s LaPierre And Nugent Outline Public Safety Measures

    People dressed like John Wayne will protect us, says Mr. N.R.A.
    People dressed like John Wayne will protect us, says the N.R.A.’s Wayne LaPierre

    Following the tragic slayings at an elementary school in Newton, Connecticut, National Rifle Association president Wayne LaPierre assembled a tactical think tank that included rocker Ted Nugent. Today, LaPierre and Nugent met with reporters to outline their plans to ensure safety. LaPierre read the following prepared statement:

    “First, make it mandatory that every U.S. citizen of any age be armed with one loaded Glock with ten additional full clips and a Bushmaster ACR modified to accept high capacity magazines. In addition, six hand grenades and four small nuclear missiles and a launcher. Also, an iPod, loaded with Ted Nugent’s superb albums Cat Scratch Fever, Free-For-All and Love Grenade. If citizens bear these arms, that will eliminate the potential for trouble.

    Second, all public places should have at least one very heavily armed guard dressed like John Wayne in Rio Bravo, with a white cowboy hat. It’s very important that the hat be white. Good guys always wear white hats. Good guys can protect us, they need white hats. And guns–– lots and lots of guns!

    Lastly, we need to enhance all rights associated with ‘stand your ground’ laws. If you even think that maybe your ground could be, possibly perhaps even thought to be a potential victim of being stepped upon, fire first and fire heavily. Find out the answers later.

    We believe these measures are the only sensible way to ensure safety for all Americans. It is a rational response. These proposals are also in the spirit of what our forefathers wanted when they gave us the right to bear semi automatic high powered weapons and gonzo capacity clips,” said Mr. LaPierre as he folded his prepared statement and picked up a Bushmaster BA50. He gave reporters in the front row ‘the stink-eye.’

    “Damn straight, whoa yeah, babe!” shouted a shirtless Ted Nugent standing by LaPierre’s side wearing strings of bullets crisscrossing his bare chest with a .50 Browning Machine Gun in one hand and a Bowtech Invasion CPX bow in the other.

  • Oops! The Lint Screen Corrections

    Reporters at The Lint Screen work hard to get the scoop. Sometimes we goof.
    Reporters at The Lint Screen work hard to get the scoop. Sometimes we goof–– oopsie daisies!

    Enterprises are made by people and people make mistakes, so every enterprise is mistaken. The Lint Screen is no different.

    We’ve had our share of boners over the years, and we’d like to correct some of them today. We humbly beg you your forgiveness–– for as ‘The Situation’ of “Jersey Shores” famously said, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.”

    The Lint Screen Corrections:

    – A guy named Alexander Pope wrote “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Not ‘The Situation.’

    – Abraham Lincoln was the 16th President of The United States of America, not “The Secretary of Beards & Cool Headwear” as previously reported.

    – The professional baseball team in Cleveland, Ohio is called “The Cleveland Indians” and not “The Buffalo Whippersnappers” as we previously reported.

    – Socrates was a Greek philosopher who lived from 469 BC – 399 BC. The Lint Screen mistakenly reported that he was the host of “Jeopardy” from 1974-79.

    – The Theory of Relativity has something to do with physics, not whether first cousins can marry as we previously published.

    – The first words spoken by Neil Armstrong when he landed on the moon July 20, 1969 were not “They put a man on the moon, you think my wife could make me a decent plate of waffles.” Apparently, The Lint Screen researchers were given bogus information.

    – The poet Robert Frost is not mentioned in a famous Christmas song as the one “nipping at your nose.” That would be a character called Jack Frost, no relation.

    – We’re pretty sure that Wikipedia is not a sexually transmitted disease.

    – President Gerald Ford did not “conduct important cabinet meetings while seated on a purple Shetland pony and handing out candy apples and comically large cowboy hats.” We’re still not sure where our reporter got that information.

    – The Bay of Pigs refers to something or other that happened in Cuba, not “a magical place where bacon flows freely and the shores are hammalicious!” as we mistakenly disclosed recently.

    We’re sorry if these little mishaps cost you money in bar bets or caused term paper grades to drop. We will do our best to get the story straight in the future, and we thank you for your forgiveness of past mistakes. We’re only hormone.

  • The Truth Behind The Legends

    What becomes a legend most? Some fanciful story that warms the cockles of your heart. But sometimes cockles need to be jump started with truth. Here’s an animated defibrillator.

    Happy, merry to you and yours from us and ours at The Lint Screen.

  • Santa Busts Out Of Jail

    Santa escaped from "The Den" in the Monroe, LA jail.
    Santa escaped from “The Den” in the Monroe, Louisiana jail last night.

    The Monroe, Louisiana city jail is known for one quirk: a jail cell called The Den, complete with leather furniture, wall of books and a fireplace. Unfortunately, this was the cell used to confine Santa Claus, and the convict escaped some time after the midnight bedcheck.

    “I reckon he went up the chimney,” said Sheriff Terrance Tarbuttoun. “I believe that big ol’ boy might have some substantial experience in the chimney-squeezing department.” When asked why the jail has a cell with a fireplace, the Sheriff laughed and said, “Why, that cell was constructed when C. Morris Rawdeal was mayor, and when he was convicted of fixing elections, collecting kickbacks and other such shenanigans, C. Morris served his hard time in that very cell. Of course, back then it also had a wet bar, home entertainment center, massage table and a jacuzzi.”

    There are no clues as to Santa’s whereabouts, and local officials are warning residents to keep all doors and windows locked. “I’d also suggest plugging your fireplaces,” said Sheriff Yarborough, “that Santa is one sneaky ol’ cuss, he is.”

  • Santa Attempts Plea Bargain

    Santa allegedly will sing like a canary to get sprung from the joint.
    Santa allegedly will sing like a canary to get sprung from the joint.

    It’s not over until the fat guy sings.

    The latest from the jail holding Santa Claus is that the merry man has made overtures through his attorney to the district attorney that the convict would like to plea bargain for reduced sentencing.

    Rumors are circulating that the big man is prepared to drop a dime on Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and tell officials how the antlered wonder developed his famous cherry red snorter through sniffing snow, and not the cold kind.

    Also, Claus apparently has heavy dirt to tell about the sexually deviant behavior of his elves and how they have secretly outsourced most of their labor to China where working conditions are deplorable and pay is pitiful.

    When confronted by reporters, the attorney for Mr. Claus, “Mugsy” Talkinfine said, “Say, get outta my way, see? Don’t make me slug ya inkstains in yer kissers, see? I ain’t talkin’ to no one no how, my lips are zippered, see?” The legal beagle walked away in what one observant reporter described as “a huff.”

  • Children Unfazed by Incarceration of Santa

    Kids don't seem to care there'll be no Santa in 2012.
    Kids don’t seem to care that there will be no Santa in 2012– they’ll just get an app for that.

    The journalistic community of Earth is crestfallen by the indifference of children worldwide. The news goon squad was expecting a dramatic narrative of crying kiddies and despondent youth saddened by Santa Claus being sequestered in an Louisiana jail cell on a stalking/sexual deviancy rap, where he’ll be until well after December 25th. But, the world’s youth could seem to care less about the news.

    “Whatevs,” said a 7-year old boy in Mapleton, New Jersey, “I’ll still get all the stuff I want, even if my old man has to buy it.”

    An 11-year boy in Lima, Peru said “That old dude always kinda creeped me out anyway. It’s really no biggie he’s not coming. I got Blacks Ops II on order. It’s all cool.”

    A 5-year old girl in Nagoya, Japan said “I’ll just get my toys sent directly to me from China.”

    An 8-year old girl in Perth, Australia said, “I always thought it was freaky that some old guy would want youngblood to sit on his lap. I’m not going to miss that tradition–– not at all.”