The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Santa Claus Is Not Coming to Town

    Santa swaps his red getup for an orange one.

    Is Ol’ Nick a Saint… or a demented perv? That’s the question billions of people are asking themselves today as news broke of the jolly fat man being thrown into the hoosegow where he’ll stay over the holidays.

    Santa Claus (a.k.a. Earl “Pudgy” Vartondablatt) was arrested today outside of a house in Monroe, Louisiana. He was lurking in a bush when officers wrestled him and slapped a pair of security bracelets on his wrists.

    “I saw that creep peeking through my window,” said home owner Sheila Jambars, “I was getting undressed for my shower and I heard some moaning outside my window. I turned, and there he was, that fat, bearded degenerate. He smirked and winked at me. I screamed and called the cops. My daughter, who’s only 16, has been saying for weeks that she felt like someone had been watching her.” The young woman entered the room and agreed with her mother. “The dude’s totally a freak! I know the fat slob’s been stalking me.”

    Claus in an official statement issued through his attorney said that “I need to know who’s been naughty or nice and surveillance is essential to doing my job. It’s not an invasion of anyone’s privacy. I was simply doing my job. I’m innocent.”

    No bail has been set in the Claus case.

  • Man Receives Spam E-Mail, Is Discouraged

    A spam e-mail has shaken a man’s world to its very core!

    Phil Whaddit is a generally optimistic fellow. He believes that found pennies, a rabbit’s foot and unattached horseshoes bring good luck, and that acts of kindness will garner entry through the pearly gates in the after-gig. Mr. Whaddit recently received an e-mail in his personal account that perplexed him and allowed a ray of pessimism to permeate his sunny disposition.

    “The subject line read ‘Act Fast & Save!‘,” recalled the 38-year old electrical contractor in Chubbuck, Idaho, “so I was excited thinking it was from a friend or relative who was selling something of genuine value, but that wasn’t the case. Not the case at all,” said the visibly sad man.

    “The letter was all about saving money on Viagra and Cialis and other such medications that enhance what I guess the medical community would call ‘the male arousal-ness zones.’ But the thing is, I never requested any such a thing and it got me to thinking how did these people, whoever it was who sent me this blasted e-mail, how would they even know if I needed help in the down-under department any which-a-way– and even if I did need a little boost in the erroneous zone from time to time, what business is that of theirs anyhow?!” Mr. Whaddit said as he lifted a kitchen chair and hurled it across the room breaking an ice sculpture of Pegasus and Hercules shopping for tires.

    “It’s like strangers are living in my e-mail box,” he said as he flung a flower vase against a wall, smashing it to smithereens. “I feel like my privacy has been violated,” he shouted as he heaved over his kitchen table and dove through a window. He landed on a bush, got up and began running from his house shouting “What am I going to do?!”

    If you receive any unsolicited e-mails, please try to contain yourself.

  • Arizona Considers Teaching Arithmetic

    Arizona considers learning how to count. A nation watches anxiously.

    The state of Arizona is seriously considering passing a law that would teach its citizens “the mysteries of arithmetic” according to state officials.

    The state is still counting votes in elections that took place almost two weeks ago. “It’s pretty embarrassing,” said Randy Fomsert, a Maricopa County resident, “I mean, even Florida was able to count its votes by now.”

    “I guess we’ve never put much stock in cyphering and such numeric mumbo jumbo magic,” said a state official who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being deported. “But a person only has so many toes and fingers to count on before you run plum out of digits.”

    Another Arizona politician who wished to remain anonymous had a differing point of view. “The problem isn’t not knowing how to count, the problem is all these damn elections. Democracy is what’s hurting us in Arizona, that’s the problem pure and simple!”

  • Viewing Deck To Be Added To Fiscal Cliff

    Fiscal cliff to get viewing deck like Grand Canyon’s (in theory).

    As Washington heats up to rattle sabers over the impending drive toward the ‘fiscal cliff’, an ambitious carnival company has begun construction on a viewing deck for the public.

    “We figure don’t nobody know how far a piece that drop over the edge of the fiscal cliff is,” said F. “Cronk” Tastersall, the owner of A-Plus+ Amusements, “so we figured we’ve give ’em a window ‘neath their feet so they could have themselves a look-see.”

    Many Washington politicians are upset at that action being taken by the aggressive amusement company. “Seems to me that the American public should benefit from this attraction,” said an unnamed Congressman, “not some carnies with corny dog breath.” “We should be using those revenues from the viewing deck to do something good, like I don’t know, something or other,” said an irate Senator.

    Despite the criticism, Mr. Tastersall remains resolute in his commitment to the project. “I got six or seven boxes of extra parts from rides we’ve built over the year,” said the 58-year old entrepreneur. “Why, I’m pretty sure we can cobble us together a fine viewing deck with ’em.”

  • Low Information Voter Interviewed

    Should Yancy Turmunder be trusted with the power to vote? Hmmm...

    Recently, Yancy Turmunder, an assistant manager of Best Buy and a self-described “undecided” (low information) voter sat down to be interviewed about voting in the upcoming election.

    “Where do I go to vote and what do I do?’ he asked with his head cocked. When told his local voting location, his eyes glazed over. “Is that the bricky place by the sidewalk and the pretty trees?” he asked with furrowed brow.

    When told that it was the school just down the street, he asked, “So, we’re supposed to vote for school president? I’m kind of old for that. I don’t know many kids.”

    It was explained that Tuesday was a national election, to elect an adult the President of the United States of America. Yancy nodded his head slowly.

    “And the President’s the top dog of the country, right?”
    Yes, was the response.
    “What are my choices? Do any of them wear nice clothes or talk good?” he asked.

    The interviewer exited the room quietly and left Yancy to decide who would be the next leader of the free world.

  • The Presidential Race Heats Up!

    Punctuation may hold the key for winning the 2012 campaign.

    Last week, President Barack Obama’s campaign shifted into hyper-gear as it added an exclamation point to its longstanding slogan of “FORWARD!”

    An advisor for Mitt Romney says that his candidate will not take such aggression lysing down. “We’re officially going to counter by adding two exclamation points to our slogan “BELIEVE IN AMERICA!!” said the advisor. “Consider this checkmate, Mr. President. Pack the oval office and rent the U-Haul, you’re kaputski.”

    The Obama campaign is rumored to be conducting focus group testing of what is described by one insider as “a nuclear response” to the crafty Romney response–– a slogan with three exclamation points. “No presidential campaign has ever been so bold, so declarative. We think we can put this race away once and for all if ‘FORWARD!!!‘ tests well.”

    The Romney camp did not return phone calls, but anonymous sources within the campaign report that campaign leaders are seriously exploring a variety of punctuation options going forward!!!!!!!!!