With another Al Qaeda #2 biting the dust, the evil terrorist network has decided to turn up the heat in recruitment efforts.
Following Saeed al-Shihri’s encounter with a bomb recently in Yemen, the #2 Al Qaeda position is once again open. Reports from a secret source in the no goodnik organization say that there is little interest in being promoted into the vacant position. “No one wants to step up to #2. From #3 through #99, not one person wants the promotion,” said the deep cover source.
So, Al Qaeda has turned to LinkedIn, Facebook and Monster.com in an effort to recruit a solid second in command. The ads read in part “Like adventure? Excitement? Bombs in your undergarments? Come join ‘The A-Team’ and learn how thrilling a job can be. Handsome pay package, rich retirement package and scads of virgins post-retirement.”
No reports as yet if the effort is soliciting many qualified candidates.
Great Grandpa in his Spit & Gravel Emporium
Thank you ladies and gentlemen, fellow Americans, patriots.
Mine is a simple story. A truly American story. A story that is completely unique but also altogether familiar.
My great grandparents came to this country from a place called The Old Country. They came here for that new country smell. And they came to America for a better life. They came to pursue their American dream. And they found it.
They found it working hard labor 21-hours a day for a half cup of spit and gravel. Was it hard back-breaking soul-crushing work? You betcha. Did they give up? Never!
No, they established a spit and gravel store and raised a family. A family they called their own. They taught their children that hard work pays handsome dividends. Their children worked 22-hours a day for sawdust and a shiny nickel. They lived in sewers and ate dirt to save money. And when they grew up, they raised families. American families who bought bootstraps and raised themselves by those bootstraps out of the sewers to work 23-hours a day for metal shavings and slugs that worked in vending machines.
They raised families who worked hard and learned the joy of working 24-hours a day for crumpled newspaper and lawn clippings. We learned to economize by giving up weak habits like eating, sleeping or living within the cozy confines of shelter. Food, rest, shelter are for the weak. And we made it. Made it without the luxury of bootstraps.
That is my story. And today I tell you that if you put your mind to it and work hard, you can make it. Make it like I’ve made it and make it like so many before me have made it.
Thank you. And, uh, you sir–– in the second row, you going to eat the rest of that soft pretzel?
Ironic Killer now slaughters digitally with this deadly instrument!
Willis Hargrain, the alleged ‘Ironic Killer’, is the primary suspect in the tragic death of a 36-year old Boone, North Carolina woman who laughed herself to death following an exchange with him on a popular dating site.
Mindy Breeminder, a sales manager for Mungwhip’s Lugnuts & Pastry Shoppe, had an on-line dialogue going with Hargrain on Perfect Soulmates, a singles website. The petite woman was found dead at her computer keyboard by her sister, Patricia Goomy, early this morning.
The only clue to the death of Ms. Breeminder was her last exchange on the computer screen. Hargrain is suspecting to have written the following exchange under the alias “Manhunk,”and Ms. Breeminder wrote under her dating site name of “Sexpot.”
MANHUNK: Tell me about yourself. What do you look like?
SEXPOT: No, you first. What do you look like?
MANHUNK: I’m pretty handsome, I guess.
SEXPOT: Oh, how handsome?
MANHUNK: I’m so handsome, mirrors want to look like me.
SEXPOT: That’s pretty funny. LOL.
MANHUNK: I’m so good looking, I want to date me.
SEXPOT: LOL!
MANHUNK: I’m so sexy, I’m saving myself for marriage.
SEXPOT: LOL!!!
MANHUNK: Saving myself, sure, but I’m afraid I’m losing.
SEXPOT: LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL L…………………….
Police suspect Ms. Breeminder laughed herself to death. K. Edgar Haver, a Boone County Sherriff, warns all people on-line to avoid any exchanges with anyone named “Manhunk.”
“Near as we can tell, he’s a pretty good looking guy. Be careful out there,” the lawman said.
As The Games of The XXX Olympiad come to a close, The Lint Screen presents some secrets that the world media have missed, or refuse to report because of some evil plot involving dry cleaners and the banking industry.
1. The reason so many running world records were shattered is that the athletes were told that if they lost, they’d be forced to watch full episodes of the fall season of new NBC shows.
2. Bob Costas has been juicing himself with the blood of Dick Clark to achieve his eternally youthful appearance.
3. The dressage competition was fixed. Some of the horses ‘threw’ their performances for extra apples and the promise of new Nike Air horseshoes.
4. The United States of America topped China in the total medal count. In retaliation, China has jacked-up the vig on our debt to it.
5. Eighteen horses drowned in water polo competition.
6. These Games set a record for comically large “WE’RE #1” foam finger sales and bangers and mash served in plastic Beefeater hats.
7. The International Olympic Committee is suing Tomlinson Pest Control of Oil City, Pennsylvania for advertising itself as “The Olympic Champion of Rodent Killing.”
Willis strikes again, this time using funny words and irony!
The dragnet was set. Cops felt confident. The locals were terrified. But Willis Hargrain, the alleged ironic humor killer of two in Anderson, South Carolina, is still at large and apparently leaving more bodies in his deadly wake!
This morning, two employees of Sole Bros. Footwear in Ashville, North Carolina, were found dead at the store. A customer who was in the store at the time, reported that a man fitting Hargrain’s description entered the store and was approached by two employees who asked if he needed help. Hargrain said, “I suppose with this record hot summer, you’re not doing much business in the snowshoe and mukluks department, are you?” The two employees realized the man had wielded a razor wit and immediately convulsed with laughter–– a laugh fest that tragically ended in their deaths. Hargrain reportedly became nervous, grabbed some nylon dress socks, waxed shoelaces and two pair of shoe trees and fled the scene.
The eyewitness heard the joke at a distance laughed himself into intensive care at a local hospital. Doctors say he will be fine following a regimen of watching C-SPAN. The eyewitness released the following statement: “That man, that Willis joker, is a cold blooded killer. What kind of a homicidal maniac uses funny words like ‘mukluk’ with such brazen disregard for human life? He is as big a threat to mankind as is Snooki. That girl is K-R-Aaaaaazy!”
Police have intensified their search for Hargrain.
Embarrassment, shame and humiliation were back in the saddle again in ’72 Games
As The Games of The XXX Olympiad get underway in the London, The Lint Screen is proud to present a gold medal-worthy dose of Olympic Games trivia.
The Olympics were invented by Thomas Edison in 1892 as a way for his company, General Electric, to sell advertising time on its broadcast network called NBC. The first major sponsor was Dr. Genuflect’s Amazing Consumption, Diphtheria & Poliomyelitis Elixir. The company ran commercials with the famous slogan, “Take a spoonful or die.”
The 1896 Olympics ended tragically when all the athletes died of consumption.
In 1904, The Olympic Games were held in Rochester, New York. Jimmy “Legs” Killonry set a new world’s record running the first twelve minute mile. It is reported the crowd watching him had windburned faces after he passed by them.
Water was added to the 1912 Olympic Games held in Munich. Swimming events finally began to gain some popularity.
The 1924 Games held in Moscow are remember for the irresistible aroma of borscht that filled the air and a debilitating sense of gloom and dread that gripped all who attended.
History will never forget the 1936 Olympic Games held in Mexico City. Runner Jesse Owens from the U.S. beat Germany’s Adolf Hitler in all four races in which they competed. “He cheated,” claimed an enraged Hitler after the event. “He had more wind at his back and the ground was moving faster under his feet,” said a disgruntled Hitler as he kicked a brass spittoon across the floor and pouted. Many speculate this humiliating defeat led to WW II.
The 1960 Olympics held in Toronto are best remembered for its souvenirs. They were really cool with all kinds of pottery, cutlery and thimbles. Also, 12,432 new world records were set by an athlete from Mars named XOPLOWRQ ZAMBORDUK.
In 1972, embarrassment, shame and humiliation reigned o’er Chauncey Worthingshire IV when his Dressage gold medal was stripped upon the discovery that his horse was actually two men in a horse costume. “I thought I smelled cigar smoke,” the humiliated rider said. Both men within the suit smoked Cohibas. According to official Olympic rules, the men were taken to the glue factory and slaughtered.
The 1984 games were held in Toronto and are best remembered for Irishman Egor Rasmonovich, who pole vaulted a pretty incredible 236′ 4″, a record that still stands.
In 1992, the Games were held in Fiji. The athletes unanimously voted not to compete and “to chill” instead. Although world peace was achieved for 16 days, these Games had some of the lowest TV viewership in history.
The 1997 Olympic Games introduced Donkey Kong as an event. The U.S.A. dominated the competition. Suck it, rest of world!
Chimbote, Peru’s 2004 Olympic Games saw the unbelievable act of gold medalist Yancy Hububabba from Sweden as he won the 200 metre freestyle swimming event without using his arms or legs. These Games also are remembered for the delicious corn dogs, candy apples, carmel corn and funnel cakes served.
In 2008, the Olympics were held in China. All athletes were outsourced to China to save money. Amazingly, China only won one gold, one silver and three bronze medals, all made in China.
Now you know. Astound your friends, challenge your enemies– you are truly an Olympics Trivia Gold Medalist!
