The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Big Tex Departs Earth In Blaze Of Glory

    Sometimes riding off into the sunset hurts.

    Big Tex, the legendary mechanized 52-foot-tall cowboy who greeted patrons attending the State Fair of Texas, died tragically yesterday morning when he was engulfed in flames. Big Tex (real name, Giorgy Sean vanHootendanglerry) was 60 years old. He leaves no wife, survivors or horse.

    His fiery demise is still being investigated by authorities. One carny who worked a booth near Big Tex reported that he suspected the legendary cowboy may have been drunk at the time of the fire.

    “I hear tell the big boy liked him his bottle,” said the tatted five-toothed young man. “Seems to me like he slurred an awful lot when he jabbered at folks. He was probably wasted and torched his ownself lightin’ a blunt, some rock or a smoke or somethin’.”

    The wiry carny surveyed the midway and began to tear-up. “Gonna miss that ol’ boy. I always looked up to him and that big ol’ belt buckle he wore.” He wiped his red eyes and turned his full attention to this reporter. “Say, buddy– you wanna win you a big ol’ teddy bear for your sweetheart? Just toss this here big ol’ ring over any little old Coke bottle over yonder. Why, it’s easy as pie. You can’t hardly help but win yourself a gigundo stuffed critter!”

    $348 later, this reporter walked away with a 4″ plastic unicorn past the sad remains of Big Tex. The old cowhand will be sorely missed.

  • Presidential Debate Questions Not Asked

    A scrappy debate, but questions still remain.

    In last night’s second Presidential Debate, a group of 80 undecided voters gathered in a town hall setting at Hofstra University. They came with questions for President Barack Obama and G.O.P. challenger Mitt Romney. Many questions were asked and answered– or used as tees for well-rehearsed talking points. But what of the questions left un-asked? The Lint Screen has unearthed some of those by using the time-honored investigative journalistic technique of rooting through the trash following the debate (and eating perfectly good food some idiot threw away). Here are some of the questions we found written on crumpled scraps of paper thrown in the trash.

    “Have either of you seen any good movies lately, and if so, what would you recommend as a good date movie? I’m into action adventure but my girlfriend likes romantic comedies. I should mention that she doesn’t think Adam Sandler is funny. Have any picks for me?”

    “Exactly how much do you guys hate each other?”

    “Sometimes I have trouble sleeping at night. Do you have any plans for how to keep the underside of my pillow cooler?”

    “I like to laugh. Would each of you tell me a funny joke or anecdote?”

    “Two trains leave Chicago for San Francisco. If train A is going 70 miles an hour and Train B is going 90 miles an hour, that’s pathetic. Why can’t America have a high speed rail system like so many other industrialized countries?”

    “What is your all-time favorite sandwich? And please, no vegetarian answers.”

    “My husband never shares his feelings. What is it with you men anyway?”

    “Your first names, ‘Barack’ and ‘Mitt’ are awfully funny-sounding. If elected, would you change your first name to something more American like ‘Duke’ or ‘Butch’ or ‘Skeeter’ or something?

    “Who was your favorite Beatle? And why?”

    “I’m thinking of a number between one and ten. What is it? Guess correctly, and you’ve won my vote. It’s that easy, fellas.”

    “Do you love America? I mean really, really love America? And if so, why don’t you just marry it?”

  • Big Bird Flies The Coop

    A.P.B. issued– if you see this Big Bird, please drop a dime on him.

    Sesame Street’s elder statesmen, Big Bird, has been missing from this community since Thursday morning, said local resident, Rabbie Rodent.

    “Big Bird’s on the lam,” said the large rat with a foaming mouth. “He said someone had put a contract out on him and that he had to take a powder. Said he might be going to Salt Lake City and maybe changing his religion. He was really nervous, sweating, all jittery dropping f-bombs like he was being scripted by Tarantino. Sort of like when he was coming down from his vowel addiction a few years back. I kind of felt sorry for the big yellow fellow, but then he hit me upside the head with a lead pipe and stole my wallet and stash of prime numbers. That sucker needs to get put down, plucked and made into pillows.”

    Rabbie Rodent then bit this reporter, apologized and went back to his trash can.

  • NFL Owners Take Decisive Action: Replacement Players

    This could be the new face of NFL officiating if people don’t get with the program!

    The owners of NFL teams carry a bit more clout than God, and they are tired of hearing players bellyache about the crappy calls being made by replacement referees who are subbing for the real refs who were locked-out by owners for requesting a few more coins.

    “Look, I’ve had it with these big, beefy crybabies,” said one anonymous owner, “so I suggested we lock them out and hire replacement players instead.” And that is what the NFL owners have decided to do.

    Because they feel college players wouldn’t want to take a pay cut, the NFL is recruiting from middle and high schools nationwide to assemble new teams for play on Sunday.

    “It serves them right,” said a billionaire owner from one team. “These NFL players have gotten too big for their britches. Some younger players will love having the caliber of officiating we’ve hired. And if those young punks don’t, well, we’ll fire them and get some more. And if the fans don’t like it, hell, we’ll get some replacement fans, too. And if no one likes our replacement refs, we’ll hire some zebras. It don’t matter to us. The bottom line is this: you peons better get the message– the NFL rules all, and we rule the NFL!”

  • Al Qaeda Steps Up Recruitment Efforts

    Al Queda is now interviewing for a new #2.

    With another Al Qaeda #2 biting the dust, the evil terrorist network has decided to turn up the heat in recruitment efforts.

    Following Saeed al-Shihri’s encounter with a bomb recently in Yemen, the #2 Al Qaeda position is once again open. Reports from a secret source in the no goodnik organization say that there is little interest in being promoted into the vacant position. “No one wants to step up to #2. From #3 through #99, not one person wants the promotion,” said the deep cover source.

    So, Al Qaeda has turned to LinkedIn, Facebook and Monster.com in an effort to recruit a solid second in command. The ads read in part “Like adventure? Excitement? Bombs in your undergarments? Come join ‘The A-Team’ and learn how thrilling a job can be. Handsome pay package, rich retirement package and scads of virgins post-retirement.”

    No reports as yet if the effort is soliciting many qualified candidates.

  • Convention Speech

    Great Grandpa in his Spit & Gravel Emporium

    Thank you ladies and gentlemen, fellow Americans, patriots.

    Mine is a simple story. A truly American story. A story that is completely unique but also altogether familiar.

    My great grandparents came to this country from a place called The Old Country. They came here for that new country smell. And they came to America for a better life. They came to pursue their American dream. And they found it.

    They found it working hard labor 21-hours a day for a half cup of spit and gravel. Was it hard back-breaking soul-crushing work? You betcha. Did they give up? Never!

    No, they established a spit and gravel store and raised a family. A family they called their own. They taught their children that hard work pays handsome dividends. Their children worked 22-hours a day for sawdust and a shiny nickel. They lived in sewers and ate dirt to save money. And when they grew up, they raised families. American families who bought bootstraps and raised themselves by those bootstraps out of the sewers to work 23-hours a day for metal shavings and slugs that worked in vending machines.

    They raised families who worked hard and learned the joy of working 24-hours a day for crumpled newspaper and lawn clippings. We learned to economize by giving up weak habits like eating, sleeping or living within the cozy confines of shelter. Food, rest, shelter are for the weak. And we made it. Made it without the luxury of bootstraps.

    That is my story. And today I tell you that if you put your mind to it and work hard, you can make it. Make it like I’ve made it and make it like so many before me have made it.

    Thank you. And, uh, you sir–– in the second row, you going to eat the rest of that soft pretzel?