The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • More From OBL’s Secret Diary

    Deviled eggs tortured the evil maniac, Osama bin Laden. Good!

    The Lint Screen has received more details about the contents of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary discovered in the raid on his pad last year, including the following startling entries:

    – “Am sick and tired of all my friends sending me requests on Facebook to join Farmville. Why would I care to tend crops? Has the world gone nuts?”

    – “Wanted to order some chinos from J. Crew, but for the life of me couldn’t recall my inseam size. Is this what growing older is all about, forgetting everything?”

    – “Can’t recall the name of wife #4. Will just call her ‘snoogums’ and be done with it. Cursed, stupid, wretchedly useless brain!”

    – “Constipated. Again. Deviled eggs and goat casserole do not agree with me.”

    – “My porn collection feels far too familiar. Need variety. Amish?”

    – “If it ever snows, I swear I’m making angel wings, then people will see I’m not such a bad guy.”

    – “I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable, lonely and fat.”

    – “Diary, you are only one who understands me. Maybe I should capture Dr. Phil.”

  • Osama bin Laden’s Diary Discovered

    Diary proves bin Laden contemplated a surprising career change in later years.

    The Lint Screen has received a copy of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary captured in the raid by Navy SEALs on his compound May 2, 2011. The unannounced visit resulted in bin Laden’s nagging painful death.

    The details of the diary are surprising. The diary, measuring 4″ x 6″ has a shiny illustrated cover depicting unicorns and large doe-eyed children holding bunches of colorful balloons. bin Laden wrote in block letters at the bottom of the cover “KEEP OUT, THIS MEANS YOU!”

    Some nuggets contained within include the following:
    – “I feel fat. I look at my blubber butt in the mirror and just want to cry. I’m such a pig and I hate swine. I get so bummed, I eat another pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I feel better. Chunky Monkey make Osammy happy!”

    – “Love those reruns of Andy of Mayberry. Otis the drunk cracks me up. Aunt Bea is kind of hot, too. And that Barney, he is something else! He’s smarter than Goober but not as sweet as Gomer. How I’d love to have terrorized that small town!”

    – “Saw a spot for that Gillette Mach 3 razor. I may just chop this Brillo pad off my face. No, no I won’t. I have a weak chin and horrible acne scars. I am shamed, I am shamed.”

    – “How I hate QVC. This place is filled with useless crap I’ve bought. How many chip and dip sets does one man need anyway?!”

    – “I wish I were more like Horatio on “CSI: Miami”– I should get some shades. Maybe they have them for sale on QVC.”

    – “Come on Weather Channel. Give me my ‘Local on The 8’s!’ Oh, here we are. Going to be hot as hell, again…”

    More details will be released at a later date.

  • Granite Announces It May Consider Thinking About Dropping Out of Race

    Could Big Ol' Slab O' Granite go to work in Georgia?

    The nonhuman presidential race is shaking with the announcement that Big Ol’ Slab O’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire primary, may be thinking about dropping out of the race in the next week or two.

    “Granite is contemplating maybe thinking about the possibility of perhaps dropping out of the race maybe some time in the near future or so,” said a spokesman on the condition of anonymity. “Granite had a sweet sugar daddy backer who was pumping-up his war chest, but it has been informed that the money well is drying up. If Granite does drop out of the race, it would like to see it he could go to work on Stone Mountain, Georgia, or perhaps do some kitchen countertops. Worse case scenario, maybe it would do bathroom countertops, although Granite has always tended to have bigger plans for its future. We’ll have to wait and see.”

  • Fritos Pledges to End “Nanny State” of Currency

    If salty snack elected, your U.S. currency becomes toast!

    In a bold political move, nonhuman presidential candidate, Bag o’ Fritos, has promised to end “the nanny state of government forcing a dependency on paper.”

    Hank Wentrom, the popular salty snack’s campaign spokesman, delivered a prepared statement to members of the press in which Fritos proclaimed, “Too many humans have become slaves to the almighty dollar. It drives humans to distraction. It is a perfect example of the government’s nanny state, forcing itself and its scraps of paper with its name on them into all transactions of human interaction. My first order as president will be to have a big bonfire and burn all U.S. currency. This symbol of liberation will illuminate our freedom from the tyranny of governmental monetary dependency!”

    When asked how the economy would operate without a monetary system, Wentrom stormed off the stage in what some described as “a huff” and others as “an angry tizzy.”

  • Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches

    "Hello, citizen, let’s get to know you better!"

    The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates.

    “I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”

    “We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans.

    “I just like seeing naked people,” said bag of Fritos.

    “I’ve got a development deal with Fox for a reality series of cops conducting strip searches,” said Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite. “It’s going to do huge ratings.”

    And Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey, says that she’d like to strip search the Supreme Court. “What are they hiding beneath those big black robes? Could be anything. Let’s see justice served and have a thorough look-see!”

  • Pollywog, Stilts & Salt Water Taffy Trust Fund Money To Enter Political Fray

    The Turley Sisters are out to make it a competitive race!

    When it was announced recently that Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservatives behind ALLIED ACME Industries, were deciding on which nonhuman presidential candidate to back with their Super PAC, another power group surfaced with its own Super PAC ideas.

    The Turley Sisters of Tulsa, Oklahoma, who are listed in the nation’s top 100 wealthiest families, have decided to form a Super PAC because “they don’t trust that liberal Hudsinger couple to do right by God-fearin’ folks. They dress in far too revealing a manner and appear to have no earthly control over their ravenous libidos. The Hudsingers shant taint the political waters with their wantonness ways,” said a Turley family spokesperson.

    The Turly fortune was made by great grandfather Augustus Turley who revolutionized retail with his Turly Pollywog, Stilts & Saltwater Taffy Emporium in 1892. His retail empire spread like wildfire on fire and soon every American city with a population over 10 had a Turley Emporium. With a fortune amassed, the Turley empire eventually crumbled as Americans lost interest in baby frogs, height enhancing sticks and salty confections.

    “The Turley family has always believed in good clean living,” said a spokesperson, “and the Turley Sisters will not allow political libertines like Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger to pollute the purity of our nation’s soul.”

    It is rumored the Turley Sisters are holding extensive interviews with all nonhuman candidates before deciding on where to put their Super PAC money support.