A look inside what’s what in the big holy roller race
Here are some safe bets as the Papal conclave to replace retired Benedict XVI begins in Rome:
– The new Pope will be Catholic (or at least a very conservative Methodist)
– The new Pope may look into securing a new Pope Mobile as attractive financing rates are available for a limited time only during Pope-A-Thon Daze
– Chances are the new church leader will not select the following names: Pope Awesome, Pope Spike, Pope Jimmy T., Pope Coolness or Pope Slappy
– The smart money is on the winner being male
– Although campaigning will be intense, Karl Rove and James Carvelle will not secure consultant fees
– The winning candidate will most likely not moondance and trash talk competitors
Feisty freshman Texas Senator Ted Cruz has accused First Lady Michelle Obama of “possibly cheating the world out of the legitimate winner of the Oscar for Best Picture, Lincoln by instead naming Argo as the winning film.”
Cruz noted that because the First Lady read the winner’s name from a sealed envelope, “who knows what was really printed on the card as the Oscar-winning film? She could have said anything, and what she did say was that a film that glamorized the failed presidency of liberal Democrat Jimmy Carter beat out a glorious film about the presidency of the first Republican, Abraham Lincoln.”
Cruz snapped the neck of a squirrel and continued his tirade. “Obviously, this cheating would be another attempt by her husband’s administration to deflect attention away from what really happened in Benghazi, and the fact that Chuck Hagel may keep ‘I Hate Israel’ signs in his basement, hidden behind his possible enormous collection of Nazi artifacts. I and the American public want to know the truth about what really happened last night at the Oscars, in Benghazi, in Hagel’s basement and in that Kenyan hospital where her husband may have been born!”
The White House refused calls from The Lint Screen, then again, most houses do the same.
“The Big Guy resents that creepy bare-chested Rooskie peacocking about being attacked from outer space,” said the heavenly source who wished to remain anonymous for fear of banishments to lakes of fire for eternity. “The commie leader believes in aliens but he doesn’t believe in a Greater Power?! I mean, come on, what’s the Boss supposed to do? The G-Force called a meeting and told everyone to get the word out to Putin to ‘bring it.’ Hey, let’s face it, He can take him and his puny country out at any minute. I’d say God’s a pretty safe bet in this fight.”
There has been no response from the former Soviet Union.
Putin declares war after “hostile attack” of meteor on Friday.
Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia, has declared war on outer space following what he called “an obvious hostile attack on our great nation.”
A meteor struck near Chelyabinsk, Russia, on Friday and injured 1,200 people while damaging 4,000 buildings. According to secret sources, Putin has been “angry as a lanced boil” ever since the incident.
“We shall not let this aggressive, premeditated attack on our fair country stand,” said Putin in a televised speech earlier today. “As of today, Russia is at war with the milky way galaxy. We have thousands of nuclear weapons and we intend to use them all with extreme prejudice. And because I’m crazy for Kubrick, I plan to have Slim Pickens look a-likes riding each nuclear missile into outer space. We’ll see how funny these hostile outer space creatures think that is!”
The world stands at the ready as Russia prepares to go to war.
Following the sensation caused by the popularity of the Dodge Ram Truck Super Bowl Spot last week, the entire ad industry is abuzz trying to find the commercial’s copywriter and voice talent named Paul Harvey.
“I never heard of the guy,” said one unnamed advertising headhunter, “but I’d sure like to get a piece of this Paul Harvey character. I’ll bet I could get him into Wieden, Crispen, Goodby– you name it! This Harvey kid threw the long ball, and the first recruiter to get him is going to get a handsome payday!”
Others are excited to find Harvey for his vocal skills. “Sure, it was a nice tone poem, kid’s got some writing chops for sure,” said one agency executive, “but it was his voice that was so captivating. The guy dripped of sincerity, humanity, all that warm touchie-feelie crap, that’s money in the bank. Harvey could be the next Hal Riney, I think!”
To date, efforts to discover Paul Harvey have failed. “The guy is doing the smart thing,” said an east coast headhunter. “Slow play the hand and let the pot keep getting bigger. This Paul Harvey is nobody’s fool!”
Anyone who knows the whereabouts of Paul Harvey should contact The Lint Screen so that we may put him in touch with the proper authorities and maybe enjoy a taste of the action.
As the media blitz rages for upcoming Super Bowl commercials, The Lint Screen looks back at history’s most famous and loved big game commercial, Apple’s legendary “1984” spot that announced the introduction of the MacIntosh computer.
Here are some little known facts about this classic spot.
1. Steve Jobs invented television enabling the airing of the commercial.
2. Originally, the rebel in red shorts running with a sledgehammer was cast to be Mean Joe Green, an effort to milk his famous Coca-Cola “Towel” commercial that aired in the 1980 Super Bowl. The deal fell through when Apple officials would not give in to Green’s demands that the sledgehammer be replaced with a ball-peen hammer “because that big old sledgehammer is way too heavy.”
3. The actor playing the Big Brother-like character on the large screen was George Lindsey, better known for his portrayal of “Goober” in “The Andy Griffith Show.”
4. The rough cut of the commercial used the original name for the MacIntosh computer–– “Revolutionary-Magic-Box-For-Computation-Tasks.”
5. Ridley Scott, the director of the commercial, shot it in one take on location at an Elks Lodge in Paramus, New Jersey.
6. Believe it or not, there were no M&M’s on the craft services table during production.
7. The original script had the following announcer copy: “On January 24th, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh… and you’ll see why we don’t think George Orwell was such a great author after all.”
8. The crowd of people seated watching the projection of Big Brother thought they going to see a preview episode of “Family Ties.” Their dour expressions reflect their disappointment.
9. The spot was originally finished with a soundtrack of a barbershop quartet singing “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” from the Broadway musical “Gypsy.” It was edited out at the last minute.
