“The Big Guy resents that creepy bare-chested Rooskie peacocking about being attacked from outer space,” said the heavenly source who wished to remain anonymous for fear of banishments to lakes of fire for eternity. “The commie leader believes in aliens but he doesn’t believe in a Greater Power?! I mean, come on, what’s the Boss supposed to do? The G-Force called a meeting and told everyone to get the word out to Putin to ‘bring it.’ Hey, let’s face it, He can take him and his puny country out at any minute. I’d say God’s a pretty safe bet in this fight.”
There has been no response from the former Soviet Union.
Putin declares war after “hostile attack” of meteor on Friday.
Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia, has declared war on outer space following what he called “an obvious hostile attack on our great nation.”
A meteor struck near Chelyabinsk, Russia, on Friday and injured 1,200 people while damaging 4,000 buildings. According to secret sources, Putin has been “angry as a lanced boil” ever since the incident.
“We shall not let this aggressive, premeditated attack on our fair country stand,” said Putin in a televised speech earlier today. “As of today, Russia is at war with the milky way galaxy. We have thousands of nuclear weapons and we intend to use them all with extreme prejudice. And because I’m crazy for Kubrick, I plan to have Slim Pickens look a-likes riding each nuclear missile into outer space. We’ll see how funny these hostile outer space creatures think that is!”
The world stands at the ready as Russia prepares to go to war.
Following the sensation caused by the popularity of the Dodge Ram Truck Super Bowl Spot last week, the entire ad industry is abuzz trying to find the commercial’s copywriter and voice talent named Paul Harvey.
“I never heard of the guy,” said one unnamed advertising headhunter, “but I’d sure like to get a piece of this Paul Harvey character. I’ll bet I could get him into Wieden, Crispen, Goodby– you name it! This Harvey kid threw the long ball, and the first recruiter to get him is going to get a handsome payday!”
Others are excited to find Harvey for his vocal skills. “Sure, it was a nice tone poem, kid’s got some writing chops for sure,” said one agency executive, “but it was his voice that was so captivating. The guy dripped of sincerity, humanity, all that warm touchie-feelie crap, that’s money in the bank. Harvey could be the next Hal Riney, I think!”
To date, efforts to discover Paul Harvey have failed. “The guy is doing the smart thing,” said an east coast headhunter. “Slow play the hand and let the pot keep getting bigger. This Paul Harvey is nobody’s fool!”
Anyone who knows the whereabouts of Paul Harvey should contact The Lint Screen so that we may put him in touch with the proper authorities and maybe enjoy a taste of the action.
As the media blitz rages for upcoming Super Bowl commercials, The Lint Screen looks back at history’s most famous and loved big game commercial, Apple’s legendary “1984” spot that announced the introduction of the MacIntosh computer.
Here are some little known facts about this classic spot.
1. Steve Jobs invented television enabling the airing of the commercial.
2. Originally, the rebel in red shorts running with a sledgehammer was cast to be Mean Joe Green, an effort to milk his famous Coca-Cola “Towel” commercial that aired in the 1980 Super Bowl. The deal fell through when Apple officials would not give in to Green’s demands that the sledgehammer be replaced with a ball-peen hammer “because that big old sledgehammer is way too heavy.”
3. The actor playing the Big Brother-like character on the large screen was George Lindsey, better known for his portrayal of “Goober” in “The Andy Griffith Show.”
4. The rough cut of the commercial used the original name for the MacIntosh computer–– “Revolutionary-Magic-Box-For-Computation-Tasks.”
5. Ridley Scott, the director of the commercial, shot it in one take on location at an Elks Lodge in Paramus, New Jersey.
6. Believe it or not, there were no M&M’s on the craft services table during production.
7. The original script had the following announcer copy: “On January 24th, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh… and you’ll see why we don’t think George Orwell was such a great author after all.”
8. The crowd of people seated watching the projection of Big Brother thought they going to see a preview episode of “Family Ties.” Their dour expressions reflect their disappointment.
9. The spot was originally finished with a soundtrack of a barbershop quartet singing “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” from the Broadway musical “Gypsy.” It was edited out at the last minute.
People dressed like John Wayne will protect us, says the N.R.A.’s Wayne LaPierre
Following the tragic slayings at an elementary school in Newton, Connecticut, National Rifle Association president Wayne LaPierre assembled a tactical think tank that included rocker Ted Nugent. Today, LaPierre and Nugent met with reporters to outline their plans to ensure safety. LaPierre read the following prepared statement:
“First, make it mandatory that every U.S. citizen of any age be armed with one loaded Glock with ten additional full clips and a Bushmaster ACR modified to accept high capacity magazines. In addition, six hand grenades and four small nuclear missiles and a launcher. Also, an iPod, loaded with Ted Nugent’s superb albums Cat Scratch Fever, Free-For-All and Love Grenade. If citizens bear these arms, that will eliminate the potential for trouble.
Second, all public places should have at least one very heavily armed guard dressed like John Wayne in Rio Bravo, with a white cowboy hat. It’s very important that the hat be white. Good guys always wear white hats. Good guys can protect us, they need white hats. And guns–– lots and lots of guns!
Lastly, we need to enhance all rights associated with ‘stand your ground’ laws. If you even think that maybe your ground could be, possibly perhaps even thought to be a potential victim of being stepped upon, fire first and fire heavily. Find out the answers later.
We believe these measures are the only sensible way to ensure safety for all Americans. It is a rational response. These proposals are also in the spirit of what our forefathers wanted when they gave us the right to bear semi automatic high powered weapons and gonzo capacity clips,” said Mr. LaPierre as he folded his prepared statement and picked up a Bushmaster BA50. He gave reporters in the front row ‘the stink-eye.’
“Damn straight, whoa yeah, babe!” shouted a shirtless Ted Nugent standing by LaPierre’s side wearing strings of bullets crisscrossing his bare chest with a .50 Browning Machine Gun in one hand and a Bowtech Invasion CPX bow in the other.
Reporters at The Lint Screen work hard to get the scoop. Sometimes we goof–– oopsie daisies!
Enterprises are made by people and people make mistakes, so every enterprise is mistaken. The Lint Screen is no different.
We’ve had our share of boners over the years, and we’d like to correct some of them today. We humbly beg you your forgiveness–– for as ‘The Situation’ of “Jersey Shores” famously said, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.”
The Lint Screen Corrections:
– A guy named Alexander Pope wrote “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Not ‘The Situation.’
– Abraham Lincoln was the 16th President of The United States of America, not “The Secretary of Beards & Cool Headwear” as previously reported.
– The professional baseball team in Cleveland, Ohio is called “The Cleveland Indians” and not “The Buffalo Whippersnappers” as we previously reported.
– Socrates was a Greek philosopher who lived from 469 BC – 399 BC. The Lint Screen mistakenly reported that he was the host of “Jeopardy” from 1974-79.
– The Theory of Relativity has something to do with physics, not whether first cousins can marry as we previously published.
– The first words spoken by Neil Armstrong when he landed on the moon July 20, 1969 were not “They put a man on the moon, you think my wife could make me a decent plate of waffles.” Apparently, The Lint Screen researchers were given bogus information.
– The poet Robert Frost is not mentioned in a famous Christmas song as the one “nipping at your nose.” That would be a character called Jack Frost, no relation.
– We’re pretty sure that Wikipedia is not a sexually transmitted disease.
– President Gerald Ford did not “conduct important cabinet meetings while seated on a purple Shetland pony and handing out candy apples and comically large cowboy hats.” We’re still not sure where our reporter got that information.
– The Bay of Pigs refers to something or other that happened in Cuba, not “a magical place where bacon flows freely and the shores are hammalicious!” as we mistakenly disclosed recently.
We’re sorry if these little mishaps cost you money in bar bets or caused term paper grades to drop. We will do our best to get the story straight in the future, and we thank you for your forgiveness of past mistakes. We’re only hormone.
