Dan Brown’s blockbuster new book The Lost Symbol was recently released and the human race can’t stop its collective heart from racing like a thoroughbred on a greased track with wind machines at its back! Here’s my early review. The Book That’s Got The World (And Those Kooky Masons) Reading This time around, hero Tom Hanks (played in the book by Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon) is in Washington, D.C. trying to unravel all sorts of ominous shenanigans, probably involving ancient Masonic stuff like secret handshakes, bare-ass paddling, the art on U.S. currency with eyeballs over pyramids and what-have-you, and grown men whispering to each other in scotch and cigar breath… that sort of thing.
It’s all some sort of plot that probably leads to a passel of no goodniks. Not unlike modern day tea baggers running amok searching for monsters in every shadow and shouting paranoid stuff.
SPOILER ALERT: Langdon probably solves the mystery and lives!
2nd SPOILER ALERT: His attractive female sidekick will probably fall for him along the way.
3rd SPOILER ALERT: There’s probably no talking dragon, dancing elk, evil Pope, dude with a mullet smoking a hookah or reference to Roberto Clemente’s podiatrist.
The Lost Symbol is probably a taut thriller that I’ll probably read some day, just so I can go to the movie version of it and be majorly disappointed.
Last week, Kanye West caused a stir at the MTV Music Video Awards when he interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech to declare, “Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time.” This week he did it again, interrupting every single acceptance speech at The 61st Primetime Emmys with his energized pleas for recognition of Beyoncé’s video.Kanye worked the refs hard at The Emmys Some of the various outbursts included tackling Alec Baldwin as he accepted his Emmy for 30 Rock, grabbing the mike and screaming, “30 Rock’s funny, no lie, but I’m tellin y’all, Beyoncé’s got one of the best videos ever!”
A startled Jon Stewart was smacked in the head by the Emmy he’d won as Kanye shouted, “You people aren’t hearing what I’m talking about here– got to check out Beyoncé’s video. It’s the full package, yo!”
Kristin Chenoweth, who won an Emmy for best supporting actress in a comedy series for Pushing Daisies was pushed aside by Kanye as he grabbed her Emmy and screamed, “We all gotta give every award in the land to Beyoncé for that killer video she made! You feel me, people?”
And so it went the entire evening as every Emmy Award recipient was knocked over, shoved aside or pushed off stage by Kanye as he made his impassioned pleas that included: “You don’t deserve this award. Beyoncé made that awesome video, man, she deserves this!” “We should all sell our worldly possessions and give it all to Beyoncé. She made that video! All hail Beyoncé!” “Why you getting this award, punk? You ain’t Beyoncé! She made the greatest video of all time– get outta here!”
By the end of the ceremony, host Neil Patrick Harris was brushed aside by an exhausted Kanye as he finally collapsed with dozens of tranquilizer darts and taser electrodes protruding from his body. In a last gasp he said, “Y’all got to give it up for Beyoncé, I mean come on, man– she made that amazing videoooo…”
As usual, it was a very long evening with the Emmy Awards.
Many people are shocked to learn that in a recent test, 77% of Oklahoma high school students could not name the first president of these United States.
It’s obvious we are failing our children by expecting them to know way too much intellectual stuff, so I propose a slight modification to the design of our one dollar bill to assist education. My re-designed $1 bill will help kids learn. I hope.
What do you think? Any ideas on how to help the 90% of students who didn’t know how many Supreme Court justices there are?
We need ideas, people– it’s takes a village to ensure we don’t raise village idiots.
The world is abuzz, aflutter, a-something, with the recent release of the entire recorded catalog of The Beatles, meticulously digitally remastered.
While many will wrestle with the decision of paying almost $300 for the remastered set, you should know some of the hidden gems unearthed by these incredible technological wonders. Oh, you saucy lads– let’s rock again, shall we? Yes, let’s do! Play that funky music, white boys!
1. “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” is restored with the missing Gregorian chant track featuring The Monks of the Benedictine Abbey Road. While producer George Martin thought the background vocals dragged the pace of the song down, they do lend an interesting texture and depressing patina that sells the intense yearning for holding ‘your hand.’
2. The re-mix on “I Feel Fine” reveals the previously hidden lyrics: “I’m in love with her and I feel fine/ well, actually I’m a bit congested and have some flu-like symptoms/ best to get to a chemist’s shoppe after this session/ got no time to get sick/ hope I’m not coming down with something…”
3. A refreshed, revitalized“Eleanor Rigby” unearths a hidden track of Marcel Marceau pantomiming the sorrow that Eleanor feels throughout the song. Although one must strain to hear the masterful mime at work– frowning, pretending to wring his sopping hankie of tears and walking against the wind to go to her grave in the cemetery– the impact is felt deeply. The song achieves new poignancy, sadness, depth, and announces to the world “It truly sucks to be Eleanor Rigby.”
4. McCartney’s classic song “Yesterday” enjoys a new day in the sun with the alternate lyrics mixed in: “Yesterday/ saw a movie starring Danny Kaye/ it was good, I have to say/ oh, I really love my Danny Kaye.” Although McCartney has long denied an infatuation for Danny Kaye, these lyrics prove otherwise.
5. While you probably know Eric Clapton plays the guitar solo on George Harrison’s “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” you’ve never heard it like this. The re-mastered version allows you to hear Clapton’s stomach growling during his performance. Following his solo, you can clearly hear Clapton’s voice off-mike asking “What’s a fellow have to do for a sandwich, some chips, a kidney pie, or something? A bowl of gruel, a bite of something, please. I’m starving here!”
6. Despite the long time rumor that at the end of “Strawberry Fields Forever”, John says, “I buried Paul”, the newly re-mastered version clearly has Lennon saying, “I cremated Paul.”
7. The stories of the rifts among The Beatles comes to clear audio life with some of the re-mastered songs. In the revised “Yellow Submarine” you can hear Ringo call McCartney “an overbearing codger” and Paul responding “shut up, you gormless git!” In the re-engineered “Long And Winding Road”, one can actually hear a fistfight break out between Lennon and McCartney, along with the sound of Yoko Ono being thrown through the air and crashing onto an amp, cursing McCartney and knocking over Ringo’s drum kit while accidentally stepping on a cat and dragging her nails across a chalkboard and tripping a fire alarm.
8. On Lennon’s “Revolution 9” track from The White Album, the re-mastered version reveals the following previously unheard lyric, “mumbler mime” instead of “number nine.” Apparently, this was an insulting reference to Marcel Marceau who was a notorious low talker. When Marceau heard about the snide insult, he pretended to punch Lennon. John decked him.
There are many more audio gems to be discovered in this digital dive. Grab your wallets and go!
For those parents cruel enough to subject their children to the speech made by President Barack Obama in schools today, you’d better start a shrink trust fund. The damage is done!Hope you’re happy, Mr. President! You’ve ruined millions!
“My kid’s upstairs now crying his little eyeballs out,” reported an upset father in Texas. “He came home and said that mean ol’ president said that he had to study hard and that education was real important to get ahead in life. My boy got his little heart busted into a million tiny pieces by Obama’s talk! I wished we’d of home schooled the boy instead of sending him to that no good school, I surely do. I could teach him his gozintas. Two gozinta four twice times. See that? Teaching’s easy as pie. ”
A third grader in Alabama had this to say following the speech: “The president said we got to respect our parents and teachers and grown ups and I don’t need him giving me sassmouth and telling me what to do!”
A sixth grader in Pennsylvania was outraged by what he heard. “Who does this guy think he is, anyway? If I don’t like homework, I ain’t going to do it just ’cause he says so. Who died and made him God?”
A fourth grade girl in Florida said, “Obama kept talking about working hard to be successful but I don’t like working. And he didn’t say anything about getting more allowance if I did work hard. What a gyp! He’s trying to trick us.”
Finally, a seven grade boy in Georgia said, “I kept telling the teacher to change the channel to ESPN, but she wouldn’t. And my stupid parents wonder why I hate school so much.”
What will become of this lost generation? Only time and their psychiatrists will tell.
Many parents are outraged that President Barack Obama will soon be speaking directly to their children at schools via a “magic picture box” called TV.
Some parents are so upset, they are keeping their children out of school to avoid the political nature of Obama’s speech. Who could blame them?!Quick– duck, cover, hide, children! It’s The President!
The White House recently shared an advance copy of the speech in hopes of quieting angry parents. Fat chance! Listen to some of the outrageous things Obama will be telling our children:
“… get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV, or with that Xbox.” WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? THIS IS AMERICA, IF MY KIDS WANT TO WATCH TV OR PLAY XBOX INSTEAD OF DOING HOMEWORK, THAT’S THEIR RIGHT. IT SAYS SO IN THE CONSTITUTION!
Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. HEY, WHAT AM I PAYING TAXES FOR? WHY SHOULD MY KIDS HAVE TO DISCOVER WHAT THEY’RE GOOD AT? AND WHO DOES OBAMA THINK HE IS ASKING MY KIDS TO WORK? DOES MY TAX MONEY PAY THEIR ALLOWANCES?! I DON’T THINK SO.
“And no matter what you want to do with your life– I guarantee you’ll need an education to do it.” OH YEAH? WHAT IF MY KIDS WIN THE LOTTERY? THAT DON’T TAKE NO BOOK LEARNIN’… AND THEY MIGHT JUST DO IT, CAUSE IT’S THEIR RIGHT… SAYS SO IN THE CONSTITUTION!
“We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems.” OUR FOREFATHERS DIDN’T DIE TO MAKE OUR KIDS SOLVE DIFFICULT PROBLEMS. THEY SOLVED THEM AND PUT THE ANSWERS IN THE CONSTITUTION SO OUR KIDS COULD WATCH TV AND PLAX XBOX INSTEAD OF HURTING THEIR HEADS THINKING.
My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at time to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things other kids had. HEY, DUDE, YOU’RE BUMMING MY KIDS OUT! LIGHTEN UP, BUDDY!
“… I hope you’ll all wash your hands a lot, and stay home from school when you don’t feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter.” WHERE’S HE GET OFF TELLING MY KIDS TO WASH THEIR HANDS?! TELL THE GOVERNMENT TO KEEP THEIR GRUBBY SOCIALISTIC MITTS OFF MY KIDS’ SANITARY HABITS. AND IF THEY GO TO SCHOOL SICK AND SOME OTHER KID GETS THE FLU, TOUGH LUCK. THAT’S THE DEMOCRACY OF GERMS AND THEY ARE PROTECTED UNDER THE CONSTITUTION.
“If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.” IF MY KIDS ARE STUPID, THAT’S NONE OF THE LIBERAL GOVERNMENT’S BEE’S WAX. IF THEY DOESN’T WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME STUDYING, SO WHAT– XBOX IS MORE FUN AND THAT’S THEIR CHOICE! MAYBE THE GOVERNMENT SHOULDN’T GIVE BAD GRADES IN THE FIRST PLACE. I THINK IT SAYS IN THE CONSTITUTION THAT ALL AMERICANS ARE STRAIGHT-A STUDENTS!!!
“Don’t be afraid to ask help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new.” NOW THAT JUST PUTS A CHERRY ON IT! IF MY KIDS DON’T KNOW SOMETHING THEY SHOULD JUST ACT LIKE THEY DO… AND HOW DID WE EVEN ELECT A PRESIDENT WHO DOESN’T KNOW EVERYTHING? HE’S SUPPOSED TO. SAYS SO IN THE CONSTITUTION.
“I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down– don’t let your family or your country or yourself down.” IF MY KIDS WANT TO SERVE HEAPING DISHES OF DISAPPOINTMENT, THAT’S THEIR BUSINESS. THEY DON’T HAVE TO TRY JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SO, MR. SUIT-WEARING-LIVING-IN-A-BIG-WHITE-HOUSE GUY. QUIT PUTTING SO MUCH PRESSURE ON MY KIDS– IT’LL PLAY MIND GAMES ON THEM WHEN THEY’RE PLAYING XBOX!!!
