The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Woodstock Memories

    See me? 481st row, 134th from left, wearing a porkpie hat. Winking.
    See me? 281st row, 134th from left, wearing a porkpie hat. Winking.

    It was supposed to be a little concert in upstate New York. Just some friends, some music, some good times. It became a legendary rock concert and historic event. Even though I was just a kid from northeastern Ohio, I was there and kept a haphazard journal. Here are my notes from 40 years ago (scribbled on a Big Chief tablet):

    Met some black dude named Jimi. Says he’s playing guitar on Sunday and wants to make a political statement. Says he’s thinking of playing “The Hokey-Pokey” because in Vietnam, you’re either in, you’re out, or you’re shaking it all about. I tell him it seems kinda heavy-handed. I suggest he plays “The Star Spangled Banner” and let people draw their own conclusions. He threw me his guitar and said, “Thanks, kid.” I wonder if he’s really playing or just kidding me…

    Some of the younger kids are talking. Rumors going ’round is that the yellow Pez are cool. Orange are nice. BUT DO NOT take the purple Pez. They’re really, really sour.

    Have given up on the idea of introducing myself to everyone here. After 14 straight hours of doing it, feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface. It’s also nearly impossible to remember all their names.

    Rain. Mud. Stink like a wet monkey riding a wet donkey. Apparently there is no deodorant concession stand. Moisture also makes hair unmanageable.

    Met a dude named Willie and his old lady Mildred. She was having a hard time getting her walker through the mud.

    Where’s The 1910 Fruitgum Company? I thought they were playing… No Cowsills, yet, either… Herb Alpert & The Tiajuana Brass?

    A Woodstock Poem: Love is in the air. Love is everywhere. Love to love this loving love. Love. Love. I hate those who can’t love. Love or die. Love or die. Love or I spit in your eye. Love, for crying out loud–LOVE!!!

    Been holding this pee in for nine hours. I wish this bathroom line would move.

    All these incredible young people, free spirits, open minds, all gathered together– baptized by rain, rock, and love. This world is going to be such a trippy, beautiful, peaceful place when these hippies take over and everyone just loves everyone and digs on everything. No more war, hate, pollution, prejudice, pain, flat tires, hunger, fallen arches, poverty, charlie horses in the middle of the night… no, man, it’s all going to be better. The world will change and it’s all going to be cool. Of this I am sure.

  • Alien Prez!!!

    Rush warned us, now Lou Dobbs confirms it: President Barack Obama is an illegal alien. But that’s only half the story, morning glories.

    It’s not just that Obama wasn’t born in these United States, perhaps he’s not even from our planet– making him an illegal alien alien!

    Cripes, people– what if when he loosens his tie, takes off the suit and peels back his skin, he’s some sort of hideous creature from another galaxy here for our tasty healthcare, delicious salty snacks and refreshing protoplasm.

    Look, I don’t want to sound alarmist here, but RuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuN!

    What have we done?!

  • Man on Moon?

        On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong allegedly became the first man to walk on the moon. I say allegedly because 6% of the U.S. population believes it was a government hoax; that it was actually two chimps in the spacesuit and it was shot on Mars, dressed to look like the surface of the moon. You truly cannot fool all of the people all of the time.

        Be that as it may, I’ve come across some of the other options the alleged Neil Armstrong had as his first words to accompany his first steps on the alleged moon. I share because I care.

    "Look at me, everyone-- look at me!"   
    "Look at me, everyone– look at me! Lookit!!!"

        “That’s one small step for man and a really big leap forward for the human race of which the man is a part of, you know, the man who made the small step in the first place. That guy… me.”

         “Hey, is everyone buying me being on the moon? I mean, really, this looks pretty authentic, right, because this is not a government hoax, I swear. I am on the moon! For real.”

        “Now then, what was I going to say?”

         “You just can’t beat a good BLT sandwich, no siree bob!”

        “I’m on top of the world being on top of the moon. Did I just blow your mind, or what?”

        “Looks like a full earth tonight. I love a full earth.”

        “Hey, this ain’t no green cheese! It was all a lie! An awful, horrible lie!!!”

        “They put a man on the moon, you’d think they’d be able to make a denture adhesive that didn’t slip. Well, now they have. Try new and improved PoliGrip…”

        “All earthlings beware, bow to your new leader– Neil Armstrong!”

        “I sure hope this moon dust comes out of carpets because I didn’t pack a second pair of shoes.”

  • Falling In Love (Again)

     

    Sometimes a guy has to leave his lover for his wife and kids
    Sometimes a guy has to leave his lover for his wife and kids.

        Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina recently admitted to engaging in extramarital hanky-panky with an Argentinian woman. The following is a conversation Mr. Sanford had with his wife after his press conference confession.

    MARK:   Hello, Jenny.

    JENNY:  Mark, honey, you’re home! How was your hike on the Appalachian Trail?

    MARK:   It was good, but geez, that thing’s longer than I thought… I ended up in Argentina.

    JENNY:   Oh, you poor dear. Are you all right?

    MARK:    I’m fine. Funny story, though– at the end of my hike, I met this woman and she cared for me.

    JENNY:   That’s nice.

    MARK:   And, well, I felt this connection with this woman. 

    JENNY:   Connection?

    MARK:   She’s my soulmate, Jenny. My true love. My destiny. My heart’s desire and my soul’s purpose. She’s my everything and I have never felt such intense emotional love in my entire life. And don’t even get me started on how hot the physical attraction and lusty acrobatics were. It was incredible!

    JENNY:   She sounds wonderful, dear.

    MARK:   But, here’s the thing, Jenny. The more I thought about it and the more the media hounded me, well, the more I realized that maybe I shouldn’t be with this Argentinian goddess– what with me being married to you and everything. Plus the fact we have like what, four kids together. 

    JENNY:   So she’s not your soulmate?

    MARK:    Don’t be silly– she’s my soulmate, that’s for sure. But you see, Jenny, I think maybe I shouldn’t have a mistress, so I’m going to do something very brave and very, very strong. I am going to resolve myself to falling in love with you, my wife, again!

    JENNY:   But she’ll always be your soulmate?

    MARK:   Absolutely. But you’ll always be my wife, Jenny, because a politician needs a wife to be all Tammy Wynette for him. And besides, a husband should love his wife, right?

    JENNY:  Oh, Mark, you’re so romantic, I think I’m going to cry.

    MARK:   Yep, I’m an incurable romantic, for sure, but no waterworks, please, Jenny. Now listen, I got to make a quick call to South America, then we can go out for a nice romantic dinner. How’s that sound?

    JENNY:   It sounds wonderful, Mark. I love you, dear, I love you so much!

    MARK:    And I’m working on it, babe.

  • Sweetening The Deal

     

    An Offer Too Good To Be True?
    An offer too good to be true… or too good to pass up?

        Sources close to the Treasury Department say the U.S. government has yet to act on the proposal made recently by a mysterious man named “Bernie M. Adoff” claiming he can save our suffering economy. So the anonymous financial wizard has done what anyone does in a tough economy: he’s offering a better deal.

        His original offer was  “a foolproof plan to earn 20% annually on your money” in return for $2.4 trillion delivered to a prison address. In a letter sent early this morning, the man “guarantees to triple your money in less than three years, or, your money back. If it doesn’t happen, I guarantee I’ll be mightily disappointed!”

        The letter continues, “There’s never been a better way to lock-up guaranteed returns on a rock solid investment designed specifically with the U.S. Government in mind so you can sleep easy knowing your money’s working overtime.” 

        The new proposal also has a time sensitive bonus. “And if you act before midnight Tuesday, July 7th, I’ll give you Michael Jackson’s sequined glove and a mint conditioned autographed copy of ‘Thriller’ with a $1 million bill attached. You get priceless Michael Jackson memorabilia, plus a more robust economy. But wait, there’s more! If you act NOW, I’ll even enroll every American lifetime membership in the Gold Brick Bullion of the Month Club. Imagine the joy of having your mailman hand deliver a gold bullion brick to your doorstep every single month! Don’t miss this incredible once in a lifetime opportunity to secure an address on Easy Street. Act now, if not sooner!” 

        An anonymous government source said, “I just don’t know how we can pass up this deal. I mean, saving the economy and getting the glove! Holy sammyzoni!”

  • White Knight Proposes Rescue

     

    Can this mysterious man save the U.S. economy?
    Can mysterious man save our economy?

        In a startling development, a mysterious white knight has come forward with a proposal to rescue the United States economy from the flushing swirly bowl.

        The mysterious man goes by the name “Bernie M. Adoff” and has contacted government officials with what he describes as “a foolproof plan to earn 20% annually on your money, easy as pie, with no worries, headaches or hassles”… “just give me your money and watch it grow, GRow, GROW!!!”

        The magical money multiplier says he has a “proven track record of making fortunes literally overnight.” In a two-page letter sent to President Barack Obama, the self-proclaimed economic recovery hero claims “and putting your money with me is safer than putting it in the bank because I don’t need a stinking bailout to pay you back!”

        In his letter, the man requests the government deliver the money (reportedly $2.4 trillion) to a federal prison address. “I’ll pay the government back a very, VERY handsome return over the next few years… up to 150 years. I’m in no hurry, your honor, I’ve got plenty of time to make the U.S. rich again.” 

        Government officials refused comment on whether the proposal is being considered.