The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

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  • A 2015 Conversation With Don Draper

    Don Draper opens up during a $234 bar tab conversation
    Don Draper opens up during a $1,258 bar tab conversation

    “Mad Men” has officially retired, but its star, Don Draper (AKA “Tricky Dickie Whitman”) is still alive and well. The suits he wears these days are sweatsuits, but he still cuts a handsome, if wrinkled figure in his walker outfitted with Penn tennis balls on the feet. The Lint Screen recently pulled up a barstool next to this advertising legend for a candid conversation.

    TLS: Hello, Don. It’s good to see you.
    DD: Enough of the chit-chat. Buy me a drink.
    TLS: Sure. So, how old are you now?
    DD: Don’t know. 89. 90. Something like that.
    TLS: And how’s retirement?
    DD: Retirement? From McCann? I wish. I’m freelancing now. Need some help?
    TLS: No.
    DD: I was a superstar, a legend. (TO BARTENDER) Keep pouring. and keep that bottle here– he’s buying.
    TLS: We’re not looking for any freelance help right now.
    DD: If you do, I’m your man.
    TLS: What did you think of the “Mad Men” finale?
    DD: What kind of a stupid question is that? It’s my story. It was incredible. Brilliant!
    TLS: So, you really created the “I’d like to buy the world a Coke” spot?
    DD: Of course, you idiot. Weren’t you watching?
    TLS: Well, some questioned the ending. It was a little ambiguous.
    DD: The spot’s on my reel. What more proof do you need?
    TLS: Was that a big moment for you?
    DD: What do you think? The biggest commercial in the world, and I did it.
    TLS: Was that the highlight of your career?
    DD: Hard to say. I had a lot of great spots.
    TLS: Such as…
    DD: Apple Computer’s “1984” spot. Came up with that in ’78. I was that good.
    TLS: Wow.
    DD: Steve Jobs was an ass. He wanted a talking dog spot.
    TLS: Any other big spots or campaigns?
    DD: Nike “Just do it.”
    TLS: You worked at Wieden & Kennedy?
    DD: Who?
    TLS: Wieden & Kennedy in Portland. I thought they created that campaign.
    DD: It’s in my book. End of discussion, okay, weisenheimer?
    TLS: Anything else?
    DD: McDonald’s “You Deserve a break today.”
    TLS: You did that, too?
    DD: Yeah. The clients wanted to change it to “You deserve delicious McDonald’s food every single day.” I talked them out of it. Idiots!
    TLS: Amazing.
    DD: That’s nothing. I did a bunch of classic campaigns–– Volkswagen Beetle, Fed Ex, Energizer Bunny, Budweiser Frogs, Marlboro Man, Wendy’s “where’s the Beef?”, Mini “Let’s Go”, Rolling Stone “Perception/Reality” print campaign, ESPN SportsCenter stuff, Got Milk, Dumb ways to die. If it’s famous, chances are I did it.
    TLS: That’s amazing, you created some of the most iconic ad campaigns of all time.
    DD: Damn right. (SHOUTING TO BARTENDER) Another bottle down here! And bring me a couple more to go. The good stuff.
    TLS: How are your contemporaries? How’s Roger Sterling?
    DD: Dead.
    TLS: Peggy Olson?
    DD: Dead.
    TLS: Stan…
    DD: Dead.
    TLS: Joan…
    DD: Dead.
    TLS: Pete Campbell?
    DD: Dead. The weasel.
    TLS: Duck Phillips?
    DD: He’s alive. Sells digital ads.
    TLS: Amazing. You’ve outlasted so many.
    DD: Yeah. Still in the game. Freelancing. Need any help? I’ll give you a break on my day rate.
    TLS: Uh, no thanks.
    DD: If you ever do, remember the Don. Don Draper.
    TLS: Will do.
    DD: (SHOUTS) Barkeep, where’s my bottles?!

  • Fertilizer For Ivy Leaguers

    You could hear a pin drop if you had really good hearing.
    You could hear a pin drop if you had really good hearing and I was clumsy with pins.

    The following is my commencement address to the Princeton University Class of 2015.

    Good afternoon. Sit, please. Enough applause already, please sit. Thanks.

    That was a lovely rendition of “Pomp & Circumference”–– let’s it hear it for the PU band! You guys rock.

    As I look out on all those fancy robes, colorful sashes, Mortar Board skull caps and big foam fingers with “We’re #1” printed on them waving madly, I feel your sense of pride, accomplishment and excitement.

    Your investment of hundreds of thousands of dollars has finally come to an end, unless you re-up for another hit of higher education in the ol’ academia incubator.

    Either way, if you have piles of student debt and need some relief, or, you need a little loan, my friend Sal is in the parking lot. He’s the husky guy sitting in a gold Buick Riveria with a two-day beard and a Lucky Strike in his mouth. Sal has some exceptional terms. And if you act today, he’ll throw in a pair of Isotoner gloves when you pay your loan back, providing you still have all your digits. Take a sit down with Sal and let your troubles float away.

    So, what about life? What are the keys to success? How can you find your true purpose, your happiness?

    To quote a great philosopher, the answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind. And if you can’t find answers there, remember the idea that drove Fox Mulder in “The X-Files”–– THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

    Find it, graduates. Find the truth. How? Try The internet, that thing has damn near everything you ever need to know and it’s all true. Believe it!

    Thanks. Now please commence with the thunderous applause, foot stomping and lighters in the air, and I may come back out for an encore.

    Rock on, Princeton, I love you!

  • An Open Letter To End “Fight of The Century”

    A plea to these two fine men.
    An impassioned plea to these two fine men to settle their differences rationally.

    The Lint Screen has learned that Floyd Mayweather, Jr. is scheduled to fight Manny Pacquiao tomorrow in what many are calling “The Fight of The Century”–– and we are worried sick.

    In the interest of humanity, TLS is offering $10 (an Abe per-man) if they lay down their gloves and shake hands.

    We believe there is too much violence in this world and that canvas should be used for painting pony and rainbows, not splattering with blood, mucus and sweat.

    We want you two guys to sit down and rationally discuss any conflicts you may have. We are happy to monitor and referee your spirited debate.

    Please, gentlemen, settle your disputes like proper gentlemen!

    If you do fight tomorrow night, Mr. Mayweather, we’d appreciate your taking a dive in the eighth round. We’ll make it work your while (a crisp Jackson!).

    Thank you.

  • Person Found Who Didn’t Know About Bruce Jenner’s Blockbuster Story

    Man discovered deep in Amazon jungles, claims no knowledge of mega-news story!!!
    Man discovered deep in Amazon jungle, claims no knowledge of mega-news story!!!

    The Lint Screen has made the startling discovery of a man claiming no knowledge of Bruce Jenner’s stunning sex change story.

    “Nope, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said the man who refused to identify himself on the condition it would destroy his anonymity. “And why would anyone care?”

    When he was told of Jenner’s connection to the Kardashian family, he shrugged. “Who’s that?”

    Obviously the news media needs to work much, much harder.

  • Popeye Busted For Harshing Bluto’s Mellow

    Popeye has trouble controlling his emotions.
    Popeye has trouble controlling his emotions.

    Popeye, the sailor man, has been arrested and jailed following a savage beating of his nemesis, Bluto, who was hospitalized and pressed charges.

    “I wasn’t doing nothing,” Bluto said. “I’ve been dealing with my anger management issues for the past ten months. I changed to a vegan diet, I’m drinking soy milk, meditating, getting therapy, listening to Yanni and lighting Yankee Candles. I’m feeling chill. So, I was just sitting at a table minding my own business when Popeye comes in and accuses me of hitting on his gal, Olive Oyl. Right, me hitting on her. Anyway, I stand up and before I could open my yap, the pipe-smokin’ bully starts giving me a facial with his fists. I’m tellin’ ya, that guy’s got some serious rage issues.”

    An emergency medical team was dispatched to care for the burly mountain of a man as police worked to subdue the raging sailor. “Popeye looked like he was really whacked out on the green,” reported police chief Hank E. Samppy. “He reeked of the leafy stuff. The guy had to be a couple cans to the wind.”

    Olive Oyl told The Lint Screen that Popeye has been very depressed lately. “He’s been upset because Bluto’s been so mellow. He said he needed an adversary and it wasn’t fair. Said it’d be like Tom and Jerry having a peace accord. Popeye didn’t feel it was natural.”

    Asked to comment on his violent explosion, Popeye said, “Look, I yam what I yam. Wanna make something of it, punk?”

  • The New Tax Man

    No new taxes mean you'll be seeing a lot more of him.
    No new taxes mean you’ll be seeing a lot more of him.

    Americans greet the prospect of raising taxes as if it were a bubonic plague-HIV-leprosy-cancer cocktail. A fate worse than death itself.

    But if local governments can’t get money through taxes, they’ll get their dough a different way–– through badge-wearing-revenue-generators. Those flashing cherry tops are like cash registers ringing for the locals, and if you think you’ve been seeing a lot more speed traps and cop-feeding frenzies, it’s because you have eyes.

    This reporter for The Lint Screen got busted yesterday in a small South Carolina town. I turned off an interstate, was on a two-line highway where I saw no speed limit sign, and BAM, had a cop flashing his lights in my rear view mirror. I was speeding, quite a bit according to him (for the record, there were no animals or children in the front grille). He wrote me up and told me I had to appear in court, or, I could pay by mail with a certified check and, if I acted fast, he’d do me a solid and reduce the fine and correlating points. It was like getting busted by a telemarketer. At the golf tournament I was going to (in such a hurry), I met another guy who was popped by the same cop in the same place.

    The last speeding ticket I got was in North Carolina. In that case, I hired an attorney by phone who went over to the courthouse and magically got my ticket price and points reduced. All it took was money to pay him his legal fees.

    I suppose I could obey your laws and stay out of trouble, but it’s getting to be a police state out there, a natural byproduct of our anti-tax obsession. I believe cash-strapped municipalities put it to the cops simply–– if you don’t generate $XXXXX in fines, we may have to cut your position.

    It’s a boon for the insurance industry who will jack premium rates 20-30% for a speeding ticket. It’s a huge business for “billboard attorneys” who advertise themselves as ticket fixers. It’s a big business feeding off the citizenry.

    But me, I’d rather just pay a little more in taxes. Going to go play some Bobby Fuller Four now…

The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

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