The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

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  • Anguished Woman Lied To Her 893 FB Friends

    Tears of regret and remorse beg for mercy and forgiveness.
    Tears of regret and bitter remorse from Pam Dockwinker beg for mercy and forgiveness.

    Pam Dockwinker is being shunned by humanity following her confession that she recently issued a “Like” on Facebook when it wasn’t true. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” the distraught 22-year old resident of Madison, Wisconsin said. “I have got to be like the worst human being ever.”

    Yesterday Ms. Dockwinker saw a picture posted by her friend Mandy Stewbimb of a cute black kitten playing with a tennis ball. “I saw that the picture had 126 ‘Likes’,” admitted Ms. Dockwinker, “so I joined the crowd and went ahead and hit the ‘Like’ button.”

    But in fact, Ms. Dockwinker did not like the photo. “I’m really afraid of cats,” she told The Lint Screen. “I’m very allergic to all cats, even kittens, and the picture, while very cute, kind of creeped me out.”

    In the interest of maintaining the integrity of Facebook, The Lint Screen pressured Ms. Dockwinker to confess her lie, which she did in an FB post. Now she awaits the judgment of her 893 Facebook friends.

    “I hope I can survive this,” Ms. Dockwinker sobbed. “I honestly couldn’t feel worse. I’m so ashamed I am physically sick and really totally mental about my deception. And I sincerely hope I don’t lose any of my 893 close Facebook friends because of my dishonesty.”

    Time will tell who is a friend of Pam Dockwinker and who actually “likes” a dirty rotten liar!

  • The Missing McConaughey Super Bowl Scripts

    images-1

    This is a scoop so big, it’d bankrupt Baskin Robbins. The Lint Screen has acquired three scripts of TV spots produced by The Lincoln Motor Company using Matthew McConaughey that were supposed to have aired in last Sunday’s Super Bowl Game. The spots were pulled at the last minute due to a prank done by the mischievous ghost kid from the Nationwide spot. The Lincoln scripts are revealed below in their entirety.

    “Cake”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKZ. HIS CAR IS ENTERING AN AUTOMATIC CAR WASH. WE WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE SITS. WE SEE THE SCRUBBERS WORKING, RINSING, WAX BEING APPLIED, ETC.

    MMVO: I remember some good cake I had one time.
    All the sweet, green icing flowing down.
    But then…
    someone left the cake out in the rain.

    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF MM. WE SEE TEARS WELLING UP IN HIS EYES. IN THE BACKGROUND, WATER POUNDS AGAINST THE VEHICLE. VISUAL METAPHOR!!!

    I don’t think I can take it
    ’cause it took so long to bake it
    And I’ll never have that recipe again…

    MM BEGINS SOBBING INTO HIS HANDS AS THE CAR IS BEGINNING TO BE BLOWN DRY.

    CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR WASH. SUPER LOGO.
    —————————————————

    “Who Am I?”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. HE IS DRIVING AT NIGHT DOWN A LONELY ALLEYWAY. IT IS DARK, WITH SPORADIC POOLS OF DINGY YELLOW LIGHT. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES. THERE ARE FOUR COINS IN HIS RIGHT POCKET–– A 1996 DIME, 2009 NICKEL, 2012 QUARTER, 2014 QUARTER.

    MM VO: Who am I? Why am I here?

    They’re big questions.
    We all search for identity.

    MM TURNS TO CAMERA AND WINKS.

    I could use more lumbar support.

    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS HAND ADJUSTING LUMBAR SUPPORT BUTTON ON SIDE OF HIS SEAT.
    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS FACE IN ECSTASY.

    That’s much better.

    CUT TO WIDE ANGLE CRANE SHOT ABOVE ALLEYWAY AS THE VEHICLE DRIVES OUT OF FRAME.

    SUPER LOGO

    ———————————————–

    “What’s Ahead”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES THROUGH BEAUTIFUL COUNTRYSIDE.

    MM VO: What is life? What’s ahead? I’ve been wondering lately.
    Why do baristas rarely acknowledge tips?
    How do magicians do their tricks?

    (SFX: LOUD THUMP OUTSIDE VEHICLE)

    What the heck was that?
    I could use a latte.

    MM TURNS ON THE RADIO, JOYFUL MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS.

    That’s nice.
    What is life? What’s ahead?

    SUPER LOGO

  • Norm Grey: Godfather, Hall of Famer

    The Don Corleone of the advertising industry
    The Don Corleone of the advertising industry

    Tonight in New York City, Norm Grey will be inducted into The One Club’s Advertising Hall of Fame. Norm is cofounder of Creative Circus, and only the third educator to receive this prestigious honor (Rob Lawton, another Circus cofounder is already in the Hall).

    I’ve known Norm for over 20 years through mutual friends. I remember when they started Creative Circus–– a band of renegades breaking off from The Portfolio Center determined to succeed as the premier advertising school in the country.

    Norm had the passion, wisdom, empathy, compassion and caring to nurture talent and attract great teachers. He had vision, determination and patience. Legions of talented people came out of the circus with their logo ball caps and heads filled with knowledge, discipline and imagination that would change and charge the advertising industry worldwide.

    You know the alums, their names are in the index of award show books. Their work is everywhere, their network of influence both incredible and pervasive.

    And every grad can trace her/his roots back to Norm, the head of the Circus family. He’s the Don Corleone of modern communications, without all the bloodshed.

    Congratulations, Norm, you are a true Mensch among men and an inspiration. Long may you reign.

  • Dude Lies To Friend, Sorrow Ensues

    Man told truth; he does not take it very well.
    Man told truth and does not take it very well.

    Teddie Scondpitt and Don Burmmon have known each other for over sixteen years, yet, in a surprising move, Teddie lied to his best friend yesterday The Lint Screen has learned.

    Don has been recording some original songs on his MacBook Pro’s Garage Band, and yesterday he played a few compositions for his friend. “I told him the songs were cool,” confessed a distraught Teddie, “but I was lying. The music was like the soundtrack you might hear driving into Sucktown where everything sucks. The stuff was awful, heinous on parade. The worst ever. My ears were choking back vomit.”

    “Teddie said that–– really?” Don asked this reporter when told his pal’s quotes. Don had no idea he’d been lied to by his alleged friend. “I thought the dude was totally into it. He was bobbing his head and smacking his thigh. Dude acted like he was digging it with two shovels. But now I hear he was faking it, feeding me a line of B.S. Well, that’s not cool,” Teddie said as he lowered his head and began sobbing. “That’s not cool at all.”

    It appears honesty has ruined another healthy relationship.

  • PTA Meeting Notes

    Doc prepares to bust open the case.
    After doing research, Doc prepares to bust open the case.

    Paul Thomas Anderson (“PTA” in the trade) is one of those people. If he’s behind a camera, I’m in front of the screen. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

    A few months back, the trailer for his latest film Inherent Vice was released. Joaquin Phoenix, Josh Brolin, Owen Wilson, Katherine Waterston, Benicio Del Toro, Martin Short and a slew of other interesting actors in the trippy tale of Doc Sportello, a gumshoe in sandals, as he smokes dope, snorts blow and tries solving a corker of a case set in 1970 L.A.

    The movie’s based on Thomas Pynchon’s novel of the same name. Pynchon is a writer with a cult following. I never waded into those waters, so I got the book and dove in. The guy can write, some passages are transformative. That said, I got a little over half way through the book and it was a confusing mess. I laid the novel down and never picked it up again. I just didn’t care.

    I liked the movie much better– liked it enough to finish it at least. The performances PTA gets from his cast make the confusing tale fun to watch. Robert Elswit’s cinematography makes you want to pack a bag for the L.A. sun, and Jonny Greenwood’s score pluses the pretty pictures and powerful performances. Everyone delivers the goods, and Joaquin shines as usual.

    Is it perfect film? No. It’s not a perfect story. It’s like an impressionist painting, there are strokes all over the place and with some distance, you get the true beauty and artistry of the picture.

    Inherent Vice may try you at times, but it’s worth the ride.

  • Garfield Not to Publish Mohammed Comics

    The edited Garfield-Mohammed comic strip
    A sample censored Garfield-Mohammed comic strip

    The world’s most popular cartoon cat, Garfield, will not feature the prophet Mohammed in upcoming comic strips as planned following the tragic slaying of twelve people by religious zealot kooks who can’t take a joke.

    “After what happened in the Paris offices of satirical magazine ‘Charlie Hebdo’, we just didn’t think it was a good idea,” said an anonymous source close to the popular cartoon feline.

    Insiders report that there was an upcoming series of comic strips detailing the adventures of Mohammed and Garfield.

    “It was going to be some pretty biting satire,” said a source close to the colorful cat. “You know, like finding the perfect lasagna recipe while trying to maintain a sensible deity diet. Or Ordie wanting to snuggle with the M-man, and it drives him bonkers. Just some wacky hijinks. We were looking forward to showing a different, edgier side of Garfield, but after what’s happened, it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

    Truth. FYI: If you are an upset terrorist, the offices of The Lint Screen are closed.

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