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Job Hunters: Pimp Thee Well

Got to give it some lovin’.

Advertising is supposed to be a creative business, yet most creative people hunting for a job take an unimaginative approach. They don’t create good ads for themselves.

I recently came across some of the work I used early in my career and share it now for your enlightenment or amusement. There was a simple reason I did these creative letters of recommendation–– my advertising work was bad. When I opened my portfolio, the work sucked so much it created a vacuum.

But my letters got attention and usually led to interviews where I often heard the same comment: “Why isn’t your work as good as your letters?” Good question. It would take me awhile to find the ability to express myself in ads.

Years ago, I wrote about my Ed McMahon letter of recommendation.
Here’s that letter in all its PDF glory: Ed McMahon:Scullin

Ed wasn’t the only guy singing my praises. I also enlisted legendary adgod, Jay Chiat. Here’s what he had to say: Jay Chiat:Scullin

And, finally, a couple of brothers with a pollywog & stilts store: Turley Bros:Scullin

All of these self-pimps under the pen of others was my way to show what my work did not–– that I was creative. Stupid? Yes.
Childish? Certainly.
Effective? Absolutely.

These letters got noticed, remarked on, and led to interviews. Eventually, I even proved myself somewhat worthy.

So, prospective creative job hunter, how could you pimp yourself more creatively? Do so, because you can’t get any less hired and you may find your dream job.

June 23, 2014
“World’s Greatest Dad” Snaps, Loses Title

Cup of disappointment leads to loss of prestigious title for hothead father

Teddy Willspeed was expecting to enjoy a great Father’s Day with his family yesterday. Instead, “The World’s Greatest Dad” revealed himself to be a Class-A Jerk when his son Brian, age 13, served him a lukewarm cup of coffee with his breakfast.

“I took a sip of the coffee and told Brian that it was a little cool,” said Papa Willspeed, “and Brian grabbed the mug from me and flung it against the wall. The mug shattered and the coffee made a mess. Then my son exploded at me.

‘Really, Dad–– seriously, the coffee’s not hot enough for you?! Unbelievable,’ Brian said. He stormed out of the room, turned around and threw his iPhone at me. I ducked just before it hit me in the head. I guess I did overreact a little,” the senior Willspeed confessed.

Following ‘the coffee incident’, son Brian called the headquarters of “World’s Greatest Dad” Inc. and had his father’s title revoked.

“I’m thinking of suing the old man,” an irate Brian told reporters. “I really think I may have some psychological damage from his abuse.”

June 16, 2014
Congressman Disputes Climate Change

During his climate change press conference, Gurgglemin burst into flames

Rep. Tim Gurgglemin (R-Oklahoma) held a press conference today where he lambasted “Shrill-voiced alarmists squawking about climate change.”

The congressman said, “Those people who are voicing concerns about carbon emissions and melting glaciers are like evil parents telling their kids that there’s monsters under the bed and raging maniacs with long, sharp knives hiding in the bedroom closet. These people aren’t helping anything. Heck, I think all their hot air and heated rhetoric is what’s causing global warming–– if there even is such a thing.”

As the congressman shuffled the pages of his speech, his body ignited and he was engulfed in flames. He ran off the stage screaming, “No questions, please. Keep cool. Vote Gurgglemin!”

June 6, 2014
Book Review of Timothy Geithner’s “Stress Test”

The big book he done wrote.

TLDR

May 30, 2014
9 Secrets About The Kimye Nuptials

Getting their wedding vowels on, Kim & Kanyeah!!!

The wedding of the century went down Saturday as Kim Kardashian and Kanye West married in Florence, Italy, and The Lint Screen was there for every adrenaline-filled second. Here are some of the highlights that no other news media has reported:
+ Kanye said, “E” and Kim replied “O” as the couple exchanged vowels and were officially made the most glamorous couple in the universe in front of 600 A-list guests including Garrison Keillor, Howie Mandel and Jaleel White (Urkle!)
+ Love was in the air along with a strong scent of Pine Sol after a few of the guests got sick from the Tilt-A-Whirl ride set up at the entrance to the wedding garden
+ There was a life-size statue of the happy couple constructed of candy corn, clay, pitted olives and plaster of Paris
+ Kim’s wedding dress was designed by Felicity Gucci Givenchy de Le Target and was made from feathers, silk (spun by live silk worms still working as the bride strode down the aisle) and angel eyelashes–– the beautiful gown was valued at well over $62
+ Kim’s march down the aisle was preceded by a procession of little people on albino goats whose shins trickled with bright blood seeping from where the sharp spurs had dug in
+ Tears of joy flowed like a sad Niagara Falls after a heavy rainfall of sorrow
+ After the wedding ceremony, a flock of owls, hummingbirds, bald eagles and a bow-legged ostrich were released as the groom bumped and grinded on the bride
+ The love couple’s love child North asked her parents to change her name to South–– she was spanked and sent to her room
+ The menu included Vienna sausages, Deviled Ham on Premium Saltines, popcorn balls, beef stew (no carrots–– Kim hates carrots!) cotton candy and raspberry-lemon-quail tarts

You read it here first.

May 27, 2014
Le Creme de Elite Superior Gifted Children Academy Commencement Address

A student is stimulated by my inspiring words.

It’s a school that charges $34,600 tuition for the education of brilliant preschoolers, and I was privileged to deliver the commencement address to Le Creme de Elite Superior Gifted Children Academy in Belvedere, California.

Here is the text of my speech.

Good morning boys and girls, proud parents and esteemed teachers. What a beautiful day we have with Mr. Sun in all his gold circular glory and Miss Blue Sky presenting a canvas of peaceful tranquility! Thank you, God–– in the deity of your choice. Or, for the more scientific among you, props to the big bang theory!

As I look out on your happy and innocent faces, I know that our country is in great shape because I see the future of America! And I am absolutely confident that somewhere in this room is a child who will grow up and find a solution to Earth’s changing climate problem. One of you will have to, kiddies, or the ice caps will melt and oceans will rise so that we’ll all be underwater and soon eaten by hungry killer sharks.

Gee, that doesn’t sound like much fun, does it?

And someone in your class will have to come up with a solution to the problem of war. If not, we’ll all be burned by horrific nuclear explosions melting our skins and flesh right off our faces. Ouchie, that’s going to hurt!!!

Then there’s disease, my young friends. Who has the big brains to figure out how to protect all of humanity from the millions of deadly germs and bacterias out there waiting to ravage our bodies and wrestle us into ugly and very painful deaths?! Who will protect us?

How about you, sweetie, in the front row? You look smart. Oh, now don’t cry, you don’t have to solve that problem. Let someone else do it.

There’s an ice cream sandwich to whoever figures it out!

Look, kids, it is a dangerous world but all the grown-ups here have complete confidence that you will fix all the problems we’re leaving behind for you. Think of it as a game and play whack-a-mole with all the troubles in this kooky world. It’ll be fun!!!

It’s like you’ve always been told–– you are very, very special. And that’s why the adults are counting on you to clean up the problems we’re leaving behind. All it takes is an expensive education with lots of crushing student debt because of rising tuitions and paying the vig on student loans to the government!

Now then, who’s ready for some cake and ice cream?!

May 18, 2014