In a classic case of misunderstanding, comedian Zach Galifinakis heard that Russian leader Vladimir Putin wanted to appear on his show “Between Two Ferns” because “he wanted to kill.” The chubby comic thought this meant that the top commie wanted to “kill” in the comedy sense of making the audience laugh. Instead, Putin appeared on the show and bludgeoned Galifinakis to death with a dull machete.
Insiders say that the Russian leader was upset that President Barack Obama recently was a guest between the ferns and was considered funny by many people. Putin wanted “to appear strong, not like a pantywaist clown-man-child.”
Obama appeared on “Between Two Ferns” to promote his signature legislation, The Affordable Care Act. Although the jury is still out if his appearance boosted enrollment, one body was conspicuously absent: the dead body of Zach Galifinakis.
Ironically, he died with no insurance which was tragic since paramedics were available to treat him but instead let him bleed out due to lack of insurance.
In a historic first, a representative of the powerful feline force has agreed to embark on peace talks with a member of the mice coalition.
Gemini, a two-year old mix breed cat, has agreed to discuss a settling of age old disputes with the mice population.
“If they come to terms, this could be a real game changer for animal relations,” said Dr. Benjamin S. Boxtopz of the Rodney King School of Political Science at Stanford University. The doctor propped his feet on the desk and continued his lecture.
“In 1962, talks were scheduled between Tom and Jerry but they never materialized due to the lady of house putting Tom outside. Of course, there were rumors of a peace settlement between Wile E. Coyote and The Road Runner in 1980, but those rumors were squashed when an anvil mysteriously landed on Wile E. Coyote’s head.” The good doctor lit his pipe and puffed on it reflectively. “If these cat and mouse talks come to fruition, one can only hope it leads to peace talks between cats and dogs. They’ve been fighting like Arabs and Jews for eons.”
Imagine this shaped like an Oscar statuette. Wouldn’t that be something?!
Tonight’s the big show in L.A. where Hollywood honors its own, and while The Lint Screen doesn’t have a clue how the statues will be dealt, this is a quick round up of what we (I) liked.
Best picture: Philomena. A movie that’s got a great, true story with wonderful performances. Judi Dench can rip your heart out with one eye tied behind her back. It’s got heart, big heart. Close runner up: Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah, it shows greed, drugs, sex, overindulgent narcissistic pricks on parade. We’re talking Wall Street, dammit! The script by Terrence Winters is the best. Three action-packed hours with nary a wasted scene. Oh, and this Marty Scorsese fellow, well, let’s just say the guy’s got a future in film.
Also in the top tier: Nebraska. Bruce Dern and Will Forte bring a colorful strained family relationship to life in this black and white beauty. A damn fine film.
Dallas Buyers Club. McConaughey and Leto are probably locks for Oscars, and they deserve it. This is a moving movie made sadder by the fact that it’s mostly true.
Inside Llewyn Davis. Hollywood and the public didn’t give this flick much love, but it’s a rich story of the struggles of the artistic journey. Think art sells itself? Think again. The Coen brothers once again deliver the goods, and T. Bone will have your toes a-tapping.
American Hustle. Yes, the performance are a feast. A fun film that’s confusing at times, and a satisfying ride. But when it’s all over, well, there you are. A must see, but not one for the ages.
Here is a drive by of other major films.
Captain Phillips is gripping and Hanks and Barkhad Abdi own their slabs of silver screen. But the Cappy’s backstory feels forced. And we all know the ending. Good film, but not great.
Gravity is an incredible film for technical whizbangery, and the acting’s fine, but the dialogue and the story are pretty thin. (Probably also not a good idea to see this film with a N.A.S.A. engineer, like I did, who explained all the logic and physics flaws.)
Her is a film that I liked quite a bit. Actually, I like the idea of the film better than the film itself. It makes some very good points, societal commentary while you wait, but it’s somewhat labored and repetitive after awhile. It is frightening to see our future with Sans-a-belt slacks up to our bellybuttons. Still, this is a movie worth watching for the ideas and performances.
Oh, how I wanted to love 12 Years a Slave. If ever there was a subject more ripe for moving one emotionally, this was it. But, the movie missed. Again, it’s a very good film, but not a great one. A pity. Something was off.
Saving Mr. Banks was surprisingly good. Emma Thompson is terrific, and the story is engaging, entertaining and compelling. Hanks as Disney is fun, too. Give it a go.
Ron Howard’s Rush is also a film to seek out. A very interesting true story about Formula 1 racing in the 1970’s is a wild ride. It’s well-told, well-acted, well-shot. Well, see it already!
And then there’s Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine, a film that’s fun with a character who is hard to take. A good flick.
I also liked Lee Daniels’ The Butler, well worth renting for Forest Whitaker’s performance and lots of fine cameos. Interesting tale and true. Plus Oprah, who never once asks us to look beneath our seats.
That’s it. A pretty great year for film. Now, let’s see what the industry recognizes.
The Downton crew will soon be scattering for dear life as hungry walkers invade. Guess who’s coming to dinner?
Julian Fellowes, creator and writer of the popular series Downton Abbey has been under fire recently for the boredom he’s brought to the usual scintillating programing of PBS. Season Four has been lambasted as “a snooze fest” and “a royal bore.”
But Fellowes has a plan to kick up the action.
“In last week’s episode, Mr. Bates went off and suddenly his wife’s rapist, Mr. Green died by mysteriously stepping in front of a lorry,” said Fellowes as he made formed his long figertips into church steeples. “Well, this week, Mister Green returns–– as a zombie,” the British writer said with an evil cackle.
Fellowes explained that Mr. Green will seek revenge for his murder at the hands of Mr. Bates, and that his appetite for human flesh will cause a chain reaction of death and zombie re-birth that will make Downton Abbey popular and gripping again for fans and critics alike. He is confident it will silence his critics.
“The thing is, these zombies have the most atrocious dining manners. It will be positively repulsive for the Dowager Countess and Lord and Lady Grantham to tolerate. Oh, Mr. Carson and Lady Mary will be quite beside themselves. It will be delightful fun watching as the zombie plot unfold.”
His face may be plastic, but that doesn’t mean Barbie doll’s main man, Ken, can’t cry.
“I can’t believe she did this to me,” said a visibly distraught Ken as he drank from a bottle of Wild Turkey. “You think you know someone, and she goes and does something like this–– parading herself almost nude to the world. It’s outrageous. I mean, I’ve been with her like half a century. Cripes, I got myself fixed and everything. Now she goes and does this. I can’t believe how she’s betrayed me,” Ken said lighting a Lucky Strike and gulping from his liquor bottle like a ‘lil Baby Burpee doll.
“I’ve got half a mind to dump her. I mean, come on, I know what guys do when the swimsuit issue comes out, and that’s no sport that needs illustrated.” Ken fell off his bar stool and sobbed as he wet himself.
Vlad struts his stuff after scoring first Olympic gold medal
Rooskie #1, Vladimir Putin, has scored a first for world leaders by snagging the first gold medal at the Sochi Olympic Games.
“I defy anyone to find another country’s president who ever won any medal in Olympics history,” said a beaming Putin as he wore his gold medal on his bare chest with erect nipples responding to the cool Sochi breezes. “You think Queen Elizabeth, Obama, Merkel, Peres or Pope Francis could compete on the same level I can? And what of these so-called athletes who train their entire lives? Yes, they too are made to look foolish by my magnificence and humble, giving nature,” Putin said lighting a cigarette and kicking a stray dog.
Indeed, fact checkers with The Lint Screen could find no record of a world leader even competing in the Olympics, except for Calvin Coolidge who had a tepid performance in the wrestling competition of the 1924 Summer games in Paris.
As for Putin, the audience did not witness what he did to earn his medal, but the judges awarded it to him in a unanimous decision. “President Putin is truly a marvel of athleticism,” said one Russian judge. “If he chose to, I have no doubt he would win all the gold medals and in fact we would have to mine for more gold–– his glory is that impressive!”
Putin bowed his head as he listened to the compliments laid at his altar. The Russian leader looked up and added, “Yes, and I am also not gay!”
