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Super Un-Bowled

A few lessons learned from watching Super Bowl commercials (huh?)

Chalk another Super Bowl ROMAN NUMERAL SOMETHING OR OTHER into the history books. The Seahawks blew the Broncos off the field. When your opening snap leads to a safety, you know you’re in for a long night.

Since the game was a blow-out, America was ready for the Super Bowl of commercials, and they got served a tepid bowl of meh.

In year’s past, The Lint Screen has done a blow-by-blow of all the spots aired, but not this time. No, I’m on an Atlanta Ad Club panel discussion tomorrow night of the S.B. spots so I wanted complete and total focus (or at least the best I can muster).

I will say precious little impressed and I have these few observations after sitting through the gaggle of spots.

1. Celebrities does not a concept make. It would be nice if star power met idea power.
2. Wrapping your brand in the American flag can feel very cloying and disingenuous.
3. You’d better tell your story visually. Many people watch the game at parties or in bars or other public places meaning they may not hear your voiceover copy. So what are you communicating visually?
4. Relevance is key. There were so many spots where the product’s relevance was M.I.A. Bill Bernbach said “Be provocative. But be sure your provocativeness stems from your product. You are NOT right if in your ad you stand a man on his head JUST to get attention. You ARE right if you have him on his head to show how your product keeps things from falling out of his pockets.”
5. You can’t rely on the Hail Mary of a product shot to seal the deal. See point #4.
6. Maybe the best way to create a Super Bowl spot is to not create a Super Bowl spot. Yes, it’s Zen, but I suspect because the stakes are so high creatives and clients fall into these bad habits of trying to do things in an even more spectacular fashion. Ideas first. Ideas first.

That is all, for now. Try and make it to Monday Night Brewing if your Atlanta tomorrow. Thanks.

February 3, 2014
Punxsutawney Phil Refuses to Show

Punxsutawney Phil fears for his life, say he’ll am-scray!

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, and the guest of honor has said he won’t show.

Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who the world watches every February 2nd, has issued a press release stating he won’t cast a shadow (or not) tomorrow morning. “Look, I’m not an idiot,” the marmot’s release states, “I’ve read about all these drone attacks. I’m not about to be a target.”

A doctor close to the famous groundhog said that he has been suffering panic attacks lately and fears for his life.

Punxsutawney Phil goes on to state, “I see what happens to guys who live in caves. I read how Edward Snowden has to hide. Why of Earth should I show myself and attract attention? No thanks. Want to know the forecast? You bastards can watch the locals on the 8’s on The Weather Channel like everyone else. This furry fella’s outta here!”

Will he show or will he surface on WikiLeaks casting tall shadows? Time will tell.

February 1, 2014
The Bieb Claims Chickens Caused Arrest

The Biebster taken down, but still stylin’!

Pop sensation Justin Bieber claims “fowl play” as the cause of his recent arrest for drunk driving, resisting arrest, driving without a valid license and felonious assault of boyish cuteness.

Bieber, 19, was released on $2,500 bond and told The Lint Screen that he was “set up like a bowling pin by irate chickens.” JB claims the chicken were upset that Bieber had egged a neighbors house in the recent past and that “the chickens were kind of close to the eggs I used so they wanted revenge.”

The pop star said that the chickens slipped moonshine liquor into his evening milk and then asked him for a ride downtown. Bieber said he liked being kind to animals and agreed to drive the chickens. He got into the car, drove, and soon after was busted. Police reports make no mention of chickens in the car or traces of feathers.

Nonetheless, Bieber stands by his story. “Chickens did this to me. I’m innocent. Innocent and absolutely adorable,” he said combing his hair and pouting into a wall mirror.

January 25, 2014
McConaughey Day Lewis

He’s scary good.

Matthew McConaughey used to be cast as eye candy, a guy who’d remove his shirt and let his chest do the talking. Now, he may be the most interesting actor working the screens.

In recent years, McConaughey has built an incredible body of work by selecting interesting roles of complex characters. From The Lincoln Lawyer, to Killer Joe, to Mud, to Dallas Buyers Club to HBO’s True Detective, he has portrayed disturbed characters with pasts that make living in the present a challenge and facing the future a chore.

He acts completely with face, eyes, body posture and voice–– a rich baritone stewed in bourbon, cigarettes, Texas heat and filtered through regrets, lost bets and tortured existence. He makes every line he speaks a self-contained story, and milks the silences as he contemplates and reveals glimpses of a wounded soul.

Matthew McConaughey has become the real deal, an actor worth watching no matter what role he’s assuming because we know he will plumb depths of the human condition to explore and expose what it means to live.

Matthew McConaughey may be the American Daniel Day Lewis.

January 17, 2014
Spam, Scam, Malware Hell

Inspecting internet traffic at The Lint Screen offices.

Cyberbots, the NSA or evil no goodniks have apparently been attacking this website. I say apparently because I don’t really know, but some web security guard called recently from cyberspace (or San Francisco) and said he’d monitored an infection on The Lint Screen and offered his services to make the problem go away (in return for a sack of cash).

He said it looked like some hacker placed malware on select TLS pages that may cause a Viagra ad to pop-up. Boner ads popping up? What next–– a call from the ironic pun police?

I haven’t seen any problems, except for the usual deluge of spammers (comments like “I surprised with the research you made to create this actual post incredible. Fantastic activity!” and “es möglicherweise ein Tiffany & Co e verdammte notwendigkeit Pandora Schmuck” and “扥⁴桥籩猠浯獴⁬楫敬礠瑨敼灥牨慰猠扥⁴桥籣潵 football clubs manchester united iphone 5s case 汤⁰潳獩扬礠扥” show an appreciation of our in-depth journalism and high artistic standards–– it’s enough to make an editor get all rainy-eyed. But as for the site itself, well, everything seems to working fine under the hood. The content seems contented.

Are you experiencing any difficulty collecting Lint?

Please let me know if you are. The security call could be a scam, or, in the future this site could be your portal to amazing discounts on all your erectile dysfunction medications.

For now, I’m standing pat. Thanks for your vigilance in life during wartime.

January 8, 2014
2013 Gets Bum’s Rush

Retiring 2013 greets new year before getting das boot on der ass

Traditionally, the new year is ushered in with great fanfare as the departing year enjoys the perks of riding off into the sunset of a secure retirement and fond memories of a life well-lived. But such is not the case for 2013!

Thanks to new stringent laws, the retiring year will not receive any governmental support in its old age and its unemployment benefits will be bupkis. “Look, we don’t need no freeloaders,” said a congressional member enjoying his 128-day holiday break from the strains on halting progress in Washington, D.C.. “The old man will have to figure out how to feign for himself!”

As the lawmaker scooped Bulgarian caviar onto an imported French cracker made from the bones of paupers, he continued his discourse. “The problem is that everyone these days has their hands out for some government dole. Well, I’m happy to say those days are gone. 2013’s a lazy old coot whose time has passed and he’d better learn how to pull himself up by the bootstraps and earn his keep,” the congressman said as he gulped Krug 1928 Champagne from a jewel encrusted 24-karat gold flute.

The lawmaker then chortled as a manservant brought him broiled lobster tails and aged Kobe beef filet steaks. Infant 2012 was heard crying in the distance, fearful of being thrust into this world.

Happy New Year!

December 31, 2013