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  • LBJ: Werewolf Killer

    Not even the charismatic JFK could subdue LBJ’s white hot hatred of werewolves!

    The new movie LBJ: Werewolf Killer opened this past weekend with an astounding $1.2 billion in worldwide ticket sales. The movie is based on Robert Caro’s 2008 bestseller Ascent to Hairy & Vicious Fangs of Death!

    While I thought the film was very good, I did question the casting of Peter Dinklage as LBJ. He appeared to have some trouble with the Texas accent to me.

    The film accurately depicts the struggles Johnson faced with both the Viet Nam war and the invasion of an army of werewolves every full moon. Yet, somehow, LBJ kicked some werewolf ass and kept our country safe.

    Charlize Theron was a particularly inspired choice in the role of Lady Bird Johnson. One of the highlights of the film is her impassioned speech to her husband and a full session of Congress admonishing the littering of dead werewolves across the nation. This famous speech became the bedrock for her ‘beautify America’ campaign. Ben Kingsley turns in one of the strongest performances of his distinguished career as Hellcat Hairy, the leader of the werewolves who had the iconic catchphrase, “Let’s eat some faces, wolvies, me hungie!”

    All in all, a good flick that ranks right up there with other prez bio classic like James C. Polk: Zombie Slayer and U.S. Grant: Ghost Whacker. Catch this flick now!

  • Bag o’ Fritos Eaten, Out of Race!

    Presidential hopeful tragically gobbled to death. A nation mourns, hungrily.

    Tragedy struck the nonhuman presidential campaign today as the winner of the Iowa primaries, Bag o’ Fritos, was eaten to death.

    The salty snack was scheduled to give a speech in Akron, Ohio, when a young man rushed the stage, ripped open the candidate’s skin and quickly ate his deliciously addictive innerds. The assasin was immediately taken into custody by local authorities as Bag o’ Fritos’ Secret Service detail was M.I.A. Missing in sexy, sexy action! Anonymous sources reported that the Secret Service was interviewing local prostitutes behind closed doors.

    “The agents seriously believe that ladies of the evening are always potential death threats, and since it’s their sworn duty to take one in the line of duty, they do whatever they have to do. It’s all about protection, and for safety’s sake, they usually use protection,” said the anonymous source as he thumbed his monogrammed shirt sleeve reading RLW (short for Robert Lawrence Worlythorten, III, of 612 West Market Street in Akron).

    The young suspect who greedily ate Bag o’ Fritos was not identified, but local law enforcement authorities read the following prepared statement: “The dude was apparently whacked out on the goof with a major case of the munchies and he seriously needed some snackin’, so when he saw Bag o’ Fritos, he just like totally freaked and attacked. The Dude said he’s like seriously sorry but that the ex-candidate was the absolute winner of the race for total deliciousness.”

    With Bag o’ Fritos eliminated and Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite recently withdrawing, the nonhuman presidential race is tightening. Stay tuned to The Lint Screen for all your in-depth reporting. It kind of what we do, what with our being serious journalists who sit at the Underwood with a lit Pall Mall danglin’ from our lips and half-eaten hamburger steak sandwich at our ink-stained elbows.

  • Granite Shatters Own Political Dreams

    Granite to exit politics to pursue career in commercial direction.

    As expected, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the New Hampshire primary winner in the nonhuman presidential race, has announced that it is withdrawing from consideration. The candidate announced weeks ago that it was considering thinking about maybe possibly withdrawing from the race. Granite was also recently the target of a savage attack ad created by the campaign for Ms. Pickles, a lovable monkey with very sharp teeth and a vicious competitive streak.

    In its statement, Granite said, “I believe the time has come to pursue my true purpose in life– directing TV commercials. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. Well, that, or driving a horse carriage through central park. Or, working the counter of a high end soda fountain. It’s time for me to wake up from my presidential dreams, rinse away the morning breath and get on with my life. I think this commercial directing thing is just the ticket, there appears to be a severe shortage of them out there.”

    No response was given by the Ms. Pickles political camp, but cackle barks, howls and screeches of joy were heard from behind closed doors.

  • Pickles Airs Attack Ad

    Pickles says Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite has big plans for American electorate.

    The nonhuman presidential race has turned ugly as lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, has taken to the airwaves to slam a key opponent.

    Witness this recent spot that aired in swing states:

    OPEN ON VIDEO OF HUMAN REMAINS FOLLOWING EARTHQUAKES. OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS, A DRAMATIC VOICEOVER IS HEARD.

    ANNCR: Why does Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite want to be president? Could it be it wants to fall on you and your family and crush you all to painful death? Why would Granite want to kill innocent God-loving Americans? The answer is simple.

    CUT TO SCENES OF GRAVE MARKERS IN A CEMETERY.

    Granite is used to make grave markers.

    CUT TO SCENE OF CRYING LITTLE BOY AND GIRL AT A GRAVE MARKER. FREEZE FRAME ON THEIR TEARY FACES.

    Don’t let Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite know your name. Vote for life. Vote for Ms. Pickles.

    CUT TO VIDEO OF MS. PICKLES WEARING A PINK BOW ON HER HEAD. SHE SQUAWKS.

    SUPER: “I’m Ms. Pickles and I approved this ad.”

    FADE TO BLACK.

    Pundits wonder if this hard hitting commercial may give Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite motivation to finally withdraw from the race.

  • Commencement Address 2012

    The best and brightest, the hangers-ons, and the squeak-on-bys are being sent forth unto this world to make their marks. I recently gave the commencement address to the graduating class of Eternal Optimists University. Here is the transcript of my inspirational talk.

    Today it is my honor to address this graduating class. I look out and see the expectant, eager faces of tomorrow’s progress. The generation who will leave their marks on the world, like a coyote marking his territory with urine.

    And I feel pride. Pride in your ignorance of the great Mayan calendar predicting our end of days later this year.

    Word to the wise, pass on buying a 2013 day planner. And don’t join any organization ending with the words “… of the month club.”

    But do not be sad, grads. You should be happy. Happy that because the world is ending, you will not have to pay back your student loans– which average $24,000 for a typical graduate.

    You should also feel joy. Joy that there is no need to sweat over an impossibly improbable job hunt. The employment outlook is bleak. Chances are, you would find bupkis and head into grad school for protection– only to amass more student debt.

    Speaking of debt, be glad that you also won’t have to foot the bill for our nation’s debt, which of of today amounts to 50,253.21 for each and every one of you.

    You also won’t have to pay off your credit card debt, which is well over $1,000 for the average American. And I suspect many of you are well above average.

    Look, I don’t mean to be a buzz kill here, because I think the message is pretty clear– since we’re going out anyway, let’s go out with a bang. Let’s make the Class of 2012 a class to remember, even if our memories will be short lived thanks to our evil Mayan overlords.

    So my suggestion to you, dear graduates, is live it up with what precious little life you have left.

    Charge those credit cards to the max. Live with reckless abandon. Upgrade to an unlimited Netflix account.

    Make your last days count. Get out of those silly robes and square hats. Put on some cargo shorts, tank tops and flip flops. Take a road trip. Enjoy your short lives to their fullest.

    And if, by chance, the Mayans were wrong, well, best of luck. Thank you.

    Um, who do I talk with to get my parking validated?

  • More From OBL’s Secret Diary

    Deviled eggs tortured the evil maniac, Osama bin Laden. Good!

    The Lint Screen has received more details about the contents of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary discovered in the raid on his pad last year, including the following startling entries:

    – “Am sick and tired of all my friends sending me requests on Facebook to join Farmville. Why would I care to tend crops? Has the world gone nuts?”

    – “Wanted to order some chinos from J. Crew, but for the life of me couldn’t recall my inseam size. Is this what growing older is all about, forgetting everything?”

    – “Can’t recall the name of wife #4. Will just call her ‘snoogums’ and be done with it. Cursed, stupid, wretchedly useless brain!”

    – “Constipated. Again. Deviled eggs and goat casserole do not agree with me.”

    – “My porn collection feels far too familiar. Need variety. Amish?”

    – “If it ever snows, I swear I’m making angel wings, then people will see I’m not such a bad guy.”

    – “I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable, lonely and fat.”

    – “Diary, you are only one who understands me. Maybe I should capture Dr. Phil.”

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