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  • Al Qaeda Steps Up Recruitment Efforts

    Al Queda is now interviewing for a new #2.

    With another Al Qaeda #2 biting the dust, the evil terrorist network has decided to turn up the heat in recruitment efforts.

    Following Saeed al-Shihri’s encounter with a bomb recently in Yemen, the #2 Al Qaeda position is once again open. Reports from a secret source in the no goodnik organization say that there is little interest in being promoted into the vacant position. “No one wants to step up to #2. From #3 through #99, not one person wants the promotion,” said the deep cover source.

    So, Al Qaeda has turned to LinkedIn, Facebook and Monster.com in an effort to recruit a solid second in command. The ads read in part “Like adventure? Excitement? Bombs in your undergarments? Come join ‘The A-Team’ and learn how thrilling a job can be. Handsome pay package, rich retirement package and scads of virgins post-retirement.”

    No reports as yet if the effort is soliciting many qualified candidates.

  • Convention Speech

    Great Grandpa in his Spit & Gravel Emporium

    Thank you ladies and gentlemen, fellow Americans, patriots.

    Mine is a simple story. A truly American story. A story that is completely unique but also altogether familiar.

    My great grandparents came to this country from a place called The Old Country. They came here for that new country smell. And they came to America for a better life. They came to pursue their American dream. And they found it.

    They found it working hard labor 21-hours a day for a half cup of spit and gravel. Was it hard back-breaking soul-crushing work? You betcha. Did they give up? Never!

    No, they established a spit and gravel store and raised a family. A family they called their own. They taught their children that hard work pays handsome dividends. Their children worked 22-hours a day for sawdust and a shiny nickel. They lived in sewers and ate dirt to save money. And when they grew up, they raised families. American families who bought bootstraps and raised themselves by those bootstraps out of the sewers to work 23-hours a day for metal shavings and slugs that worked in vending machines.

    They raised families who worked hard and learned the joy of working 24-hours a day for crumpled newspaper and lawn clippings. We learned to economize by giving up weak habits like eating, sleeping or living within the cozy confines of shelter. Food, rest, shelter are for the weak. And we made it. Made it without the luxury of bootstraps.

    That is my story. And today I tell you that if you put your mind to it and work hard, you can make it. Make it like I’ve made it and make it like so many before me have made it.

    Thank you. And, uh, you sir–– in the second row, you going to eat the rest of that soft pretzel?

  • Not Funny! Ironic Humor Killer Goes Digital!

    Ironic Killer now slaughters digitally with this deadly instrument!

    Willis Hargrain, the alleged ‘Ironic Killer’, is the primary suspect in the tragic death of a 36-year old Boone, North Carolina woman who laughed herself to death following an exchange with him on a popular dating site.

    Mindy Breeminder, a sales manager for Mungwhip’s Lugnuts & Pastry Shoppe, had an on-line dialogue going with Hargrain on Perfect Soulmates, a singles website. The petite woman was found dead at her computer keyboard by her sister, Patricia Goomy, early this morning.

    The only clue to the death of Ms. Breeminder was her last exchange on the computer screen. Hargrain is suspecting to have written the following exchange under the alias “Manhunk,”and Ms. Breeminder wrote under her dating site name of “Sexpot.”

    MANHUNK: Tell me about yourself. What do you look like?
    SEXPOT: No, you first. What do you look like?
    MANHUNK: I’m pretty handsome, I guess.
    SEXPOT: Oh, how handsome?
    MANHUNK: I’m so handsome, mirrors want to look like me.
    SEXPOT: That’s pretty funny. LOL.
    MANHUNK: I’m so good looking, I want to date me.
    SEXPOT: LOL!
    MANHUNK: I’m so sexy, I’m saving myself for marriage.
    SEXPOT: LOL!!!
    MANHUNK: Saving myself, sure, but I’m afraid I’m losing.
    SEXPOT: LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL L…………………….

    Police suspect Ms. Breeminder laughed herself to death. K. Edgar Haver, a Boone County Sherriff, warns all people on-line to avoid any exchanges with anyone named “Manhunk.”

    “Near as we can tell, he’s a pretty good looking guy. Be careful out there,” the lawman said.

  • Worst… Bar… Ever!

    How you’ll feel should ye be in need of a pint or two.

    In the world’s greatest city, there is a bar worthy of hell.

    A place that purports to be an Irish bar, but is instead an affront to anyone who has ever graced a barstool with their thirsty arse.

    The joint is called Lilly O’Briens Irish Bar, on Murray Street just off West Broadway in the hip TrBeCa area of Manhattan. What follows are a list of its sins.

    1. It is light and bright. I’m talking bright like if Stevie Wonder walked into the joint he’d say, “Dim it down, would you?!”

    2. The place is littered with hi-def TVs playing sports, and many of the feeds are standard def. Look, Irish bars aren’t sports bars. End of discussion.

    3. The Smithwicks was flat, and get a load of this, the place had Coors Light on draft! Lord help us all…

    4. There was a pair of Muhammad Ali’s boxing trunks mounted in a glass case and hanging on the wall. What this was doing in an Irish Bar was a mystery.

    5. Loud contemporary alt rock music was blaring on the sound system. Gotye is hardly the soundtrack for an Irish bar.

    Bottom line, this place may be an O.K. sports bar, but it’s a hell of a lousy Irish Bar and should be sued for false advertising.

    ‘Twas enough to drive a man to drink– elsewhere.

  • 7 Secrets of The London Olympics

    Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Queen Mum’s the word!

    As The Games of The XXX Olympiad come to a close, The Lint Screen presents some secrets that the world media have missed, or refuse to report because of some evil plot involving dry cleaners and the banking industry.

    1. The reason so many running world records were shattered is that the athletes were told that if they lost, they’d be forced to watch full episodes of the fall season of new NBC shows.

    2. Bob Costas has been juicing himself with the blood of Dick Clark to achieve his eternally youthful appearance.

    3. The dressage competition was fixed. Some of the horses ‘threw’ their performances for extra apples and the promise of new Nike Air horseshoes.

    4. The United States of America topped China in the total medal count. In retaliation, China has jacked-up the vig on our debt to it.

    5. Eighteen horses drowned in water polo competition.

    6. These Games set a record for comically large “WE’RE #1” foam finger sales and bangers and mash served in plastic Beefeater hats.

    7. The International Olympic Committee is suing Tomlinson Pest Control of Oil City, Pennsylvania for advertising itself as “The Olympic Champion of Rodent Killing.”

  • A Sad Day in Lint Land

    Curvin O’Rielly, a man who made the world a more tolerable place

    Curvin died yesterday. Cancer took him down. Damn cancer. Angels of mercy with a hospice in upstate New York guided him from this world to the next. Today this world feels more empty for the loss of Curvin O’Rielly.

    I never met Curvin. Never even spoke to him. But I knew Curvin.

    I knew him first by his work. Curvin was one of those gifted admen who wrote campaigns that were intelligent and soulful. He crafted copy for Saab, BMW, NutraSweet, Saturn and many more that spoke truth artfully and persuasively. I knew Curvin because as a young copywriter I strained my eyes to read his words reproduced in ad award show books. Curvin was a hero of mine, a copy god.

    I got to know Curvin thanks to a mutual Facebook friend. She thought we’d like one another. We became Facebook friends, and we liked one another immediately.

    We traded stories about working for Hal Riney in S.F. Anyone who ever worked for Riney can swap tales. In San Francisco, Riney stories are traded like baseball cards. Curvin had some very valuable cards.

    Curvin began reading this blog and quickly became its top commenter. Since March of 2010, Curvin’s wit and wisdom graced many of The Lint Screen posts. Take a look-see. Often his commentary was better than the entry commented upon. Copy gods do such things naturally.

    I urged Curvin to write a book. He had so many great stories, so much wisdom to share. He refused the book idea, but he did write a blog, Ace of Admen. There aren’t a ton of entries, but they are all well worth reading.

    While regret I never had the chance to meet Curvin or work with him, I feel fortunate for having known him. He will be sorely missed. The world needs the likes of him more than ever.

    Rest, Curvin and thanks. You will be missed.

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