Punctuation may hold the key for winning the 2012 campaign.
Last week, President Barack Obama’s campaign shifted into hyper-gear as it added an exclamation point to its longstanding slogan of “FORWARD!”
An advisor for Mitt Romney says that his candidate will not take such aggression lysing down. “We’re officially going to counter by adding two exclamation points to our slogan “BELIEVE IN AMERICA!!” said the advisor. “Consider this checkmate, Mr. President. Pack the oval office and rent the U-Haul, you’re kaputski.”
The Obama campaign is rumored to be conducting focus group testing of what is described by one insider as “a nuclear response” to the crafty Romney response–– a slogan with three exclamation points. “No presidential campaign has ever been so bold, so declarative. We think we can put this race away once and for all if ‘FORWARD!!!‘ tests well.”
The Romney camp did not return phone calls, but anonymous sources within the campaign report that campaign leaders are seriously exploring a variety of punctuation options going forward!!!!!!!!!
Ohio goes Canuck, what will the political system do?
After being pummeled with non-stop political ads for months on end, pestered by pollsters and pundits, and being yammered at by candidates from both political parties, Ohio is calling off the jams. The Buckeye State has formally declared that it is no longer one of these United States of America. It is now officially a Canadian province.
“We had our fill, eh,” said former Ohio state representative Horace N. Hubbard. “The constant barrage of ads slinging mud, the never-ending parade of pols and their idiotic photo ops, the polling people and nonstop video remotes–- it just made life unbearable. We looked across Lake Erie and saw our solution: Canada, the most loved country on Earth. Good healthcare, virtually no gun violence, sane and cordial people. A country so confident in its inherit coolness, it even has a big ol’ honkin’ red leaf on its flag. So we decided to go for it, we Ohioans have become Canadians, eh.”
In celebration, Ohioans stormed polling places and broke all voting machines. “After they tried to suppress the vote,” said Becky Tumberdon a former election official, “we said to hell with it. Let the other 49 states decide who runs the country. We’ll be watching hockey and drinking good beer, eh.”
Both campaigns are at a loss with what to do with their free time now that Ohio has seceded. One campaign manager said that the candidates may scour Virginia in search of dirty pots and pans. “Candidates scrubbing seems to test very well with focus groups,” he said.
Big Tex, the legendary mechanized 52-foot-tall cowboy who greeted patrons attending the State Fair of Texas, died tragically yesterday morning when he was engulfed in flames. Big Tex (real name, Giorgy Sean vanHootendanglerry) was 60 years old. He leaves no wife, survivors or horse.
His fiery demise is still being investigated by authorities. One carny who worked a booth near Big Tex reported that he suspected the legendary cowboy may have been drunk at the time of the fire.
“I hear tell the big boy liked him his bottle,” said the tatted five-toothed young man. “Seems to me like he slurred an awful lot when he jabbered at folks. He was probably wasted and torched his ownself lightin’ a blunt, some rock or a smoke or somethin’.”
The wiry carny surveyed the midway and began to tear-up. “Gonna miss that ol’ boy. I always looked up to him and that big ol’ belt buckle he wore.” He wiped his red eyes and turned his full attention to this reporter. “Say, buddy– you wanna win you a big ol’ teddy bear for your sweetheart? Just toss this here big ol’ ring over any little old Coke bottle over yonder. Why, it’s easy as pie. You can’t hardly help but win yourself a gigundo stuffed critter!”
$348 later, this reporter walked away with a 4″ plastic unicorn past the sad remains of Big Tex. The old cowhand will be sorely missed.
In last night’s second Presidential Debate, a group of 80 undecided voters gathered in a town hall setting at Hofstra University. They came with questions for President Barack Obama and G.O.P. challenger Mitt Romney. Many questions were asked and answered– or used as tees for well-rehearsed talking points. But what of the questions left un-asked? The Lint Screen has unearthed some of those by using the time-honored investigative journalistic technique of rooting through the trash following the debate (and eating perfectly good food some idiot threw away). Here are some of the questions we found written on crumpled scraps of paper thrown in the trash.
“Have either of you seen any good movies lately, and if so, what would you recommend as a good date movie? I’m into action adventure but my girlfriend likes romantic comedies. I should mention that she doesn’t think Adam Sandler is funny. Have any picks for me?”
“Exactly how much do you guys hate each other?”
“Sometimes I have trouble sleeping at night. Do you have any plans for how to keep the underside of my pillow cooler?”
“I like to laugh. Would each of you tell me a funny joke or anecdote?”
“Two trains leave Chicago for San Francisco. If train A is going 70 miles an hour and Train B is going 90 miles an hour, that’s pathetic. Why can’t America have a high speed rail system like so many other industrialized countries?”
“What is your all-time favorite sandwich? And please, no vegetarian answers.”
“My husband never shares his feelings. What is it with you men anyway?”
“Your first names, ‘Barack’ and ‘Mitt’ are awfully funny-sounding. If elected, would you change your first name to something more American like ‘Duke’ or ‘Butch’ or ‘Skeeter’ or something?
“Who was your favorite Beatle? And why?”
“I’m thinking of a number between one and ten. What is it? Guess correctly, and you’ve won my vote. It’s that easy, fellas.”
“Do you love America? I mean really, really love America? And if so, why don’t you just marry it?”
A.P.B. issued– if you see this Big Bird, please drop a dime on him.
Sesame Street’s elder statesmen, Big Bird, has been missing from this community since Thursday morning, said local resident, Rabbie Rodent.
“Big Bird’s on the lam,” said the large rat with a foaming mouth. “He said someone had put a contract out on him and that he had to take a powder. Said he might be going to Salt Lake City and maybe changing his religion. He was really nervous, sweating, all jittery dropping f-bombs like he was being scripted by Tarantino. Sort of like when he was coming down from his vowel addiction a few years back. I kind of felt sorry for the big yellow fellow, but then he hit me upside the head with a lead pipe and stole my wallet and stash of prime numbers. That sucker needs to get put down, plucked and made into pillows.”
Rabbie Rodent then bit this reporter, apologized and went back to his trash can.
