The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

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  • Santa Attempts Plea Bargain

    Santa allegedly will sing like a canary to get sprung from the joint.
    Santa allegedly will sing like a canary to get sprung from the joint.

    It’s not over until the fat guy sings.

    The latest from the jail holding Santa Claus is that the merry man has made overtures through his attorney to the district attorney that the convict would like to plea bargain for reduced sentencing.

    Rumors are circulating that the big man is prepared to drop a dime on Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and tell officials how the antlered wonder developed his famous cherry red snorter through sniffing snow, and not the cold kind.

    Also, Claus apparently has heavy dirt to tell about the sexually deviant behavior of his elves and how they have secretly outsourced most of their labor to China where working conditions are deplorable and pay is pitiful.

    When confronted by reporters, the attorney for Mr. Claus, “Mugsy” Talkinfine said, “Say, get outta my way, see? Don’t make me slug ya inkstains in yer kissers, see? I ain’t talkin’ to no one no how, my lips are zippered, see?” The legal beagle walked away in what one observant reporter described as “a huff.”

  • Children Unfazed by Incarceration of Santa

    Kids don't seem to care there'll be no Santa in 2012.
    Kids don’t seem to care that there will be no Santa in 2012– they’ll just get an app for that.

    The journalistic community of Earth is crestfallen by the indifference of children worldwide. The news goon squad was expecting a dramatic narrative of crying kiddies and despondent youth saddened by Santa Claus being sequestered in an Louisiana jail cell on a stalking/sexual deviancy rap, where he’ll be until well after December 25th. But, the world’s youth could seem to care less about the news.

    “Whatevs,” said a 7-year old boy in Mapleton, New Jersey, “I’ll still get all the stuff I want, even if my old man has to buy it.”

    An 11-year boy in Lima, Peru said “That old dude always kinda creeped me out anyway. It’s really no biggie he’s not coming. I got Blacks Ops II on order. It’s all cool.”

    A 5-year old girl in Nagoya, Japan said “I’ll just get my toys sent directly to me from China.”

    An 8-year old girl in Perth, Australia said, “I always thought it was freaky that some old guy would want youngblood to sit on his lap. I’m not going to miss that tradition–– not at all.”

  • Santa Claus Is Not Coming to Town

    Santa swaps his red getup for an orange one.

    Is Ol’ Nick a Saint… or a demented perv? That’s the question billions of people are asking themselves today as news broke of the jolly fat man being thrown into the hoosegow where he’ll stay over the holidays.

    Santa Claus (a.k.a. Earl “Pudgy” Vartondablatt) was arrested today outside of a house in Monroe, Louisiana. He was lurking in a bush when officers wrestled him and slapped a pair of security bracelets on his wrists.

    “I saw that creep peeking through my window,” said home owner Sheila Jambars, “I was getting undressed for my shower and I heard some moaning outside my window. I turned, and there he was, that fat, bearded degenerate. He smirked and winked at me. I screamed and called the cops. My daughter, who’s only 16, has been saying for weeks that she felt like someone had been watching her.” The young woman entered the room and agreed with her mother. “The dude’s totally a freak! I know the fat slob’s been stalking me.”

    Claus in an official statement issued through his attorney said that “I need to know who’s been naughty or nice and surveillance is essential to doing my job. It’s not an invasion of anyone’s privacy. I was simply doing my job. I’m innocent.”

    No bail has been set in the Claus case.

  • Man Receives Spam E-Mail, Is Discouraged

    A spam e-mail has shaken a man’s world to its very core!

    Phil Whaddit is a generally optimistic fellow. He believes that found pennies, a rabbit’s foot and unattached horseshoes bring good luck, and that acts of kindness will garner entry through the pearly gates in the after-gig. Mr. Whaddit recently received an e-mail in his personal account that perplexed him and allowed a ray of pessimism to permeate his sunny disposition.

    “The subject line read ‘Act Fast & Save!‘,” recalled the 38-year old electrical contractor in Chubbuck, Idaho, “so I was excited thinking it was from a friend or relative who was selling something of genuine value, but that wasn’t the case. Not the case at all,” said the visibly sad man.

    “The letter was all about saving money on Viagra and Cialis and other such medications that enhance what I guess the medical community would call ‘the male arousal-ness zones.’ But the thing is, I never requested any such a thing and it got me to thinking how did these people, whoever it was who sent me this blasted e-mail, how would they even know if I needed help in the down-under department any which-a-way– and even if I did need a little boost in the erroneous zone from time to time, what business is that of theirs anyhow?!” Mr. Whaddit said as he lifted a kitchen chair and hurled it across the room breaking an ice sculpture of Pegasus and Hercules shopping for tires.

    “It’s like strangers are living in my e-mail box,” he said as he flung a flower vase against a wall, smashing it to smithereens. “I feel like my privacy has been violated,” he shouted as he heaved over his kitchen table and dove through a window. He landed on a bush, got up and began running from his house shouting “What am I going to do?!”

    If you receive any unsolicited e-mails, please try to contain yourself.

  • Two With Sticking Power

    Well-told human stories endure longer than special effects.

    So many movies live only in the time they take to be projected. They are light, fluffy entertainment that exist only in the moment. When you rise from your seat, they are left behind like the popcorn kernels on the floor.

    This isn’t a bad thing, these films are just momentary entertainment. Escapism with little of substance to take away after they’ve run.

    Then there are movies that engage, entertain, confound and confuse at times, and toy with your emotions. They don’t give you all the answers–– they demand that you participate and bring your life to them and think about the story being told and why things are the way they are and why people act the way they do.

    These movies plant seeds in your brain and give you something to think about long after the final reel has flickered into darkness. They are the movies that explore the human condition, pique curiosity and encourage thought. They’re human stories, not mega-special-effects-driven wonders. They don’t feed, they nourish.

    I love these kinds of films, and here are two candidates for your consideration from a pair of the most compelling and interesting directors working today. First is David O. Russell’s Silver Linings Playbook with stellar performances from Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. It’s a rom-com of a different sort, one that explores characters haunted by fragile mental states and some driven mad through their obsessions. It’s a terrific ride and one that you’ll find yourself thinking about long after the movie has run.

    Some pictures and performances live on a long, long time.

    Then there is Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master, a film that explores damaged psyches and the art of manipulation. Joaquin Phoenix, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams deliver amazing performances worthy of little gold statuettes (as do Cooper and Lawrence).

    Russell and Anderson both explore with film for the benefit of self-discovery. No, you won’t always find all the answers, but you will definitely find questions that illuminate.

    Both films of these two auteurs (that’s French for ‘artsy-but-not-too-fartsy’) are well worth seeing. Give them a look and see if you don’t agree they’ll be strong Oscar contenders.

  • Surgical Deja Vu


    Call me Robo-Man. I’ve got a matching set of these suckers.

    Three weeks ago, I went under the knife for my fourth hip replacement surgery in five years. Arthritis was the cause for the first two total hip replacements, faulty equipment was the cause for the subsequent “revision” hip surgeries. Seems that the parts they put in me tend to flake off titanium bits into soft tissue, blood and such. I’ve got very high levels of cobalt chromium in my blood. Heavy metal is fine for listening to, not so much to have coursing through your body. Now it’s up to my kidneys to purify my body to its former temple-like self.

    Spo dee oh dee oh! At least I’m on the right side of the soil. I’m very thankful for that.

    The good news is that if you get enough hip surgeries, you eventually get a free 12″ Quiznos sub, large beverage and free Blockbuster movie rental. Actually, the good news is that if you undergo the same surgery enough times, your body will get better at rehabilitating itself. Practice, practice, practice!

    I’m on the mend, faster than the previous three surgeries, and I’ll soon ease back into society. The Lint Screen has an entire category dedicated to hip replacements, begin the story of surgery #2 here. Here are some closing thoughts about the entire ordeal (that I hopefully will not have to experience for 15-20 years) that you may find helpful should you ever have to go on a surgical vacation.

    — It could be the meds or your body’s self preservation, but your very painful experience will be softened in your memory. Rest assured, the pain that you do remember was pretty damn painful if you recall it.

    — During this last surgery, I had a catheter inserted when I was under anesthesia. In other surgeries, I did not. Anesthesia causes your body to shut down, but medical science wants you to expel your wastes. So, if you cannot pee on your own after some time, they will insert a catheter post-surgery. This is a pain that you will remember all your days. I was relieved I had a catheter in place when I awoke from surgery, but eventually it must be pulled out. This experience results is another pain that you will remember all your days, along with the pain of trying to pee for hours on end with great difficulty doing so. Enough about #1, let’s talk #2.

    — Anesthesia and pain killers also constipate you. It’s a horrible experience to have bodily functions you desperately want to do but cannot. Your body is upset with you (“WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!), and you’re upset with it (“WHY WON’T YOU DO WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO?!”). It’s going to take awhile to sort this out…

    — The term “painkiller” is false advertising. At best, they are “take the edge off my goddamn pain!” pills. These little white wonders also have nice side effects like constipating you. They also can bring about depression (as if you needed medical help to lower your spirits after this ordeal). Yes, you need these pills, they do do some good. But they also do some evil. When you feel you can get off them– do so and downshift to OTC meds.

    — And another bad side effects of painkillers is this: they make you itchy. As you can imagine, itching and pain do not mix well.

    — Sweats are your friends. Screw fashion. You’re homebound for awhile. Keep loose, baby.

    — Try as long as you can to avoid looking at your scar. You will see it eventually, and when you do you’ll know why you hurt so much. You’ll also see why hip surgeries really are a royal pain in the ass.

    — Some surgeons use surgical staples to bind the wounds they make. Others use surgical glue with a clear protective cover. Surgical glue is much easier on the body. Surgical staples have to be removed and that’s not fun.

    — Physical therapists all have their own style, but for God’s sake do what they tell you to do. Yes, physical therapy hurts, but if you don’t strengthen the surgical area, you could be in for a lifetime of pain and suffering. Do the work now to avoid trouble down the road.

    — Your body is not 100% and your mind is nowhere near 100%. Don’t think you can think very well even if you think you are thinking well. You’re on drugs, remember? Rest up, champ. Give your mind and body a break. Neither is up for much of a challenge.

    — It’s hard to look cool when you’re ambulating in a walker. Who knew?

    — Your cane is your friend.

    — Never, ever, ever, ever fall. Be very careful on stairs. You can very easily muck up all the medical science applied to your healing body, and the last place you want to go again is a hospital. Be careful out there!

    My final word of advice, avoid surgery if you can, but if you are living in constant pain, well, bite the bullet and get the surgery. Just ask the anesthesiologist for something stronger for pain relief than a bullet to chomp down on during the procedure.

    Stay healthy.

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