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Oops! The Lint Screen Corrections

Reporters at The Lint Screen work hard to get the scoop. Sometimes we goof–– oopsie daisies!

Enterprises are made by people and people make mistakes, so every enterprise is mistaken. The Lint Screen is no different.

We’ve had our share of boners over the years, and we’d like to correct some of them today. We humbly beg you your forgiveness–– for as ‘The Situation’ of “Jersey Shores” famously said, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.”

The Lint Screen Corrections:

– A guy named Alexander Pope wrote “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Not ‘The Situation.’

– Abraham Lincoln was the 16th President of The United States of America, not “The Secretary of Beards & Cool Headwear” as previously reported.

– The professional baseball team in Cleveland, Ohio is called “The Cleveland Indians” and not “The Buffalo Whippersnappers” as we previously reported.

– Socrates was a Greek philosopher who lived from 469 BC – 399 BC. The Lint Screen mistakenly reported that he was the host of “Jeopardy” from 1974-79.

– The Theory of Relativity has something to do with physics, not whether first cousins can marry as we previously published.

– The first words spoken by Neil Armstrong when he landed on the moon July 20, 1969 were not “They put a man on the moon, you think my wife could make me a decent plate of waffles.” Apparently, The Lint Screen researchers were given bogus information.

– The poet Robert Frost is not mentioned in a famous Christmas song as the one “nipping at your nose.” That would be a character called Jack Frost, no relation.

– We’re pretty sure that Wikipedia is not a sexually transmitted disease.

– President Gerald Ford did not “conduct important cabinet meetings while seated on a purple Shetland pony and handing out candy apples and comically large cowboy hats.” We’re still not sure where our reporter got that information.

– The Bay of Pigs refers to something or other that happened in Cuba, not “a magical place where bacon flows freely and the shores are hammalicious!” as we mistakenly disclosed recently.

We’re sorry if these little mishaps cost you money in bar bets or caused term paper grades to drop. We will do our best to get the story straight in the future, and we thank you for your forgiveness of past mistakes. We’re only hormone.

January 10, 2013
Le Miserable

Someone please give this poor girl a decent song to sing.

My holiday movie bender ended yesterday with a viewing of Les Miserables, a classic story by Victor Hugo published in 1862 and made into a theatrical musical in the 80’s that’s earned a bazillion bucks on stages worldwide. Amazingly, it took Hollywood until now to make the blockbuster musical into a movie.

So, here’s the deal. Fine acting, great costumes, beautiful cinematography, art direction and pretty good singing. But unfortunately, the songs themselves aren’t terribly catchy. A musical should be about music. This production has about three songs with hooks, making the 157 minute running time feel like almost three hours of incessant warbling.

West Side Story this ain’t.

Yeah, yeah, some people are crazy for this show. I never saw a stage production but I imagine the attraction is to the theatrics and not the music. This score is skinny, babes. Jean Valjean would have been better served to steal some catchier tunes.

January 2, 2013
Holiday Movie “Mehs”

How to make Tom look big? Cast small, shoot low camera angles.

Life of Pi. No, I didn’t read the book which many describe as a beautiful experience, but this film just didn’t do much for moi. Special effects tiger is cool, some great CGI work, acting is fine, but overall, this Ang Lee extravaganza just wasn’t very moving.

Jack Reacher. Yes, I’ve read over a dozen of the Reacher books and am a huge fan of Lee Child’s heroic ex-MP-drifter-crime-solving-avenger-dispenser-of-justice.

You’re probably thinking the problem is Tom Cruise, who is hardly the 250 lb, 6’5″ tough ass that Jack Reacher is supposed to be, but I’m willing to suspend some disbelief for a good time. Cruise sells it O.K. The real problem is the script and confused plot, and the fact that what makes a Jack Reacher book so fun to read is Lee Child describing how Reacher analyzes and reacts to his world. It’s not done in this movie, there is no interior Jack Reacher life, so it’s just like every other action hero fare–– fistfights, car chases and shootouts. Sorry, but Jack Reacher deserves better.

Hell, we didn’t even get to see his toothbrush– the only thing Jack Reacher packs as he drifts from town to town.

It’s a pity both these movies weren’t better.

December 31, 2012
Django Off The Chain

Oh boy, looks like trouble’s come to town.

Like Orson Welles, Quentin Tarantino will live in the shadow of an early masterpiece. His Citizen Kane is Pulp Fiction, a movie that like Kane broke so many rules it will stand as enduring art.

Tarantino’s latest film, Django Unchained, is an incredible film that like Inglourious Basterds, is history re-imagined and staged for maximum entertainment. Whereas Steven Spielberg spent his creative energy this year making Lincoln, a well-acted rather dry history lesson (“Don’t go to the theatre, Abe– the play’s not that good!”), Tarantino goes for a fascinating tale driven by unforgettable characters and riveting plot points.

Yes, there’s gratuitous blood and guts, this is Tarantino after all, but it’s the story that makes Django Unchainedsuch a kick. Jamie Foxx is terrific as Django, the slave who becomes a bounty hunter to gain his freedom, but the film really belongs to Christoph Waltz, the German actor who also played “The Jew Hunter” in Inglourious Basterds. Here, he is a dentist/bounty hunter, and his performance is certainly one of the year’s best. He owns every scene he appears in, resplendent facial hair and all.

You’ll also enjoy Leo DiCaprio as a sadistic Mississippi plantation owner, and oh my goodness golly how Samuel L. Jackson delivers an incredibly fun performance as his sycophantic manservant. Ummm ummm ummm, mighty fine acting.

See Lincoln as your civic duty, then treat yourself to Django and set yourself free.

December 27, 2012
The Truth Behind The Legends

What becomes a legend most? Some fanciful story that warms the cockles of your heart. But sometimes cockles need to be jump started with truth. Here’s an animated defibrillator.

Happy, merry to you and yours from us and ours at The Lint Screen.

December 25, 2012
Santa Busts Out Of Jail

Santa escaped from “The Den” in the Monroe, Louisiana jail last night.

The Monroe, Louisiana city jail is known for one quirk: a jail cell called The Den, complete with leather furniture, wall of books and a fireplace. Unfortunately, this was the cell used to confine Santa Claus, and the convict escaped some time after the midnight bedcheck.

“I reckon he went up the chimney,” said Sheriff Terrance Tarbuttoun. “I believe that big ol’ boy might have some substantial experience in the chimney-squeezing department.” When asked why the jail has a cell with a fireplace, the Sheriff laughed and said, “Why, that cell was constructed when C. Morris Rawdeal was mayor, and when he was convicted of fixing elections, collecting kickbacks and other such shenanigans, C. Morris served his hard time in that very cell. Of course, back then it also had a wet bar, home entertainment center, massage table and a jacuzzi.”

There are no clues as to Santa’s whereabouts, and local officials are warning residents to keep all doors and windows locked. “I’d also suggest plugging your fireplaces,” said Sheriff Yarborough, “that Santa is one sneaky ol’ cuss, he is.”

December 24, 2012