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The Beatles & Me

They may not have changed the world as a barbershop quartet.

It was just over 50 years ago when the Fab Four released their first record to a square world and ushered in Beatlemania, moptops and you say you want a revolution–– well, you got it.

Sure, those Brit guys get the glory but a small kid from Ohio (me) had a bit of an influence on the band. Dig.

Here’s the original Lennon-McCartney lyrics to She Loves You:
She loves you,
yes, yes, yes
She loves you,
yes, yes, yes…

I suggested they get a bit more informal–– yeah, yeah, yeah.

The band originally wanted to sport crewcuts, wear cardigan sweaters and perform barbershop quartet music. I suggested they let their hair grow, suit up and play electrified rock and roll music.

The band wanted to drop acid–– sulfuric acid. A punk kid talked them out of it.

The same kid helped them change the lyrics to some of their most famous songs. See if you can guess what those songs were from these original titles the band had: I Am The Wombat, Baby, You’re A Financially Sound Man With A Diversified Portfolio, Carry That Freight, Revolution 7, Penny Loafers, Very Attractive Sadie, Let It Pee, A Day In Wife, Glass Pearl Onion, Cathy Rigby, Everybody’s Got Something To Ride Except Me And My Orangutang, Get Plaque, The Day Before Today, She Came In Through The Coal Chute, While My Guitar Takes Imipramine To Boost Its Spirits and Here Comes That Big Yellow Circle Thingy In The Sky.

Yes, the band changed the world, but it might not have been without some guidance in the shadows from a midwestern youngster.

March 23, 2013
Dude to Get Drunk on St. Patrick’s Day

Brian Patrick Flannigan plans on being hungover March 18. “I’m getting totally wicked wasted on St. Paddy’s Day,” said the 21-year old Lawrence, Massachusetts native, “I think he would have expected me to get blotto in honor of his birthday.”

Flannigan says he plans to wear all green on St. Patrick’s Day and drink only green beer. “St. Patrick invented green beer so I’m going to hoist a couple dozen in his honor. Green beer tastes better because it’s fresher. It’s green!”

The young man says he’ll also be sporting a “Irish Me Kiss I’m” button. “It’s hilarious because the words are all scrambled like they’re drunk or something. It’s a real conversation starter, for sure, and I think the ladies will be all over me. Can’t fail.”

The ambitious man states he will be training tonight for his St. Patrick’s Day celebration. “Me and the boys are pub crawling tonight, priming the pump for tomorrow. We’re training like athletes getting the old liver in shape. I think St. Patrick would be proud. He was the patron saint of partying! Wooooo!”

March 16, 2013
6 Pope Predictions

A look inside what’s what in the big holy roller race

Here are some safe bets as the Papal conclave to replace retired Benedict XVI begins in Rome:
– The new Pope will be Catholic (or at least a very conservative Methodist)
– The new Pope may look into securing a new Pope Mobile as attractive financing rates are available for a limited time only during Pope-A-Thon Daze
– Chances are the new church leader will not select the following names: Pope Awesome, Pope Spike, Pope Jimmy T., Pope Coolness or Pope Slappy
– The smart money is on the winner being male
– Although campaigning will be intense, Karl Rove and James Carvelle will not secure consultant fees
– The winning candidate will most likely not moondance and trash talk competitors

Remember, you read it here first!

March 12, 2013
12 Magical TV Spots For The Ages

“Hey, get a load of these cool spots!”

As many fools proclaim the death of TV spots, here is a sampling of classic commercials for all time selected by Mark Andrews with m-a-d-e in London.

Click here, little darling and prepare to enjoy the wonders of brilliant concepts that are well-written, art directed, directed and produced.

The Lint Screen cribbed this gem from that magnificent bastard who speaks unvarnished truth about the advertising biz (such as it is), George Parker of AdScam fame. Thanks, George, for spotlighting this great post.

Enjoy–– these desert island picks by Mr. Andrews are some mighty fine cheese.

March 4, 2013
Michelle Obama Possibly Cheated Oscars, Cruz Claims

Feisty freshman Texas Senator Ted Cruz has accused First Lady Michelle Obama of “possibly cheating the world out of the legitimate winner of the Oscar for Best Picture, Lincoln by instead naming Argo as the winning film.”

Cruz noted that because the First Lady read the winner’s name from a sealed envelope, “who knows what was really printed on the card as the Oscar-winning film? She could have said anything, and what she did say was that a film that glamorized the failed presidency of liberal Democrat Jimmy Carter beat out a glorious film about the presidency of the first Republican, Abraham Lincoln.”

Cruz snapped the neck of a squirrel and continued his tirade. “Obviously, this cheating would be another attempt by her husband’s administration to deflect attention away from what really happened in Benghazi, and the fact that Chuck Hagel may keep ‘I Hate Israel’ signs in his basement, hidden behind his possible enormous collection of Nazi artifacts. I and the American public want to know the truth about what really happened last night at the Oscars, in Benghazi, in Hagel’s basement and in that Kenyan hospital where her husband may have been born!”

The White House refused calls from The Lint Screen, then again, most houses do the same.

February 25, 2013
The Envelope, Please

“What’d you say? You know I’m a vampire killer…”

Tonight’s the 85th Academy Awards and while 2012 was a pretty terrific year for movies, I hope just one thing–– that Lincoln doesn’t get crowned king.

Yes, Lincoln was a great president but this was not a great movie. It wasn’t bad, mind you, it just didn’t live up to the incessant hype. Let’s just say the emperor has no stovepipe hat and leave it at that.

I still haven’t seen Armour, Beasts of the Southern Wild or Zero Dark Thirty, but have caught all the other nominated films. Of them, I’d pick Silver Linings Playbook for best film. I would also cheer for Argo or Django Unchained as best pic. Just no Lincoln, please!

For best actor, I’d go Joaquin Phoenix in The Master, a desperately under appreciated film. Give me Christoph Waltz for supporting role in Django, and give Quentin his gold statue for writing the original screenplay. For adapted screenplay, David O. Russell deserves the little man for Silver Linings Playbook.

I won’t pick in the other categories since I haven’t seen the majority of the nominees, but please, Academy, let Lincoln be. While this film was not a great moment in cinema, we did have a better time in the theatre than ol’ Abe did.

February 24, 2013