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  • 6 Pope Predictions

    A look inside what's what in the V-City Race
    A look inside what’s what in the big holy roller race

    Here are some safe bets as the Papal conclave to replace retired Benedict XVI begins in Rome:
    – The new Pope will be Catholic (or at least a very conservative Methodist)
    – The new Pope may look into securing a new Pope Mobile as attractive financing rates are available for a limited time only during Pope-A-Thon Daze
    – Chances are the new church leader will not select the following names: Pope Awesome, Pope Spike, Pope Jimmy T., Pope Coolness or Pope Slappy
    – The smart money is on the winner being male
    – Although campaigning will be intense, Karl Rove and James Carvelle will not secure consultant fees
    – The winning candidate will most likely not moondance and trash talk competitors

    Remember, you read it here first!

  • 12 Magical TV Spots For The Ages

    "Hey, get a load of these cool spots!"
    “Hey, get a load of these cool spots!”

    As many fools proclaim the death of TV spots, here is a sampling of classic commercials for all time selected by Mark Andrews with m-a-d-e in London.

    Click here, little darling and prepare to enjoy the wonders of brilliant concepts that are well-written, art directed, directed and produced.

    The Lint Screen cribbed this gem from that magnificent bastard who speaks unvarnished truth about the advertising biz (such as it is), George Parker of AdScam fame. Thanks, George, for spotlighting this great post.

    Enjoy–– these desert island picks by Mr. Andrews are some mighty fine cheese.

  • Michelle Obama Possibly Cheated Oscars, Cruz Claims

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    Feisty freshman Texas Senator Ted Cruz has accused First Lady Michelle Obama of “possibly cheating the world out of the legitimate winner of the Oscar for Best Picture, Lincoln by instead naming Argo as the winning film.”

    Cruz noted that because the First Lady read the winner’s name from a sealed envelope, “who knows what was really printed on the card as the Oscar-winning film? She could have said anything, and what she did say was that a film that glamorized the failed presidency of liberal Democrat Jimmy Carter beat out a glorious film about the presidency of the first Republican, Abraham Lincoln.”

    Cruz snapped the neck of a squirrel and continued his tirade. “Obviously, this cheating would be another attempt by her husband’s administration to deflect attention away from what really happened in Benghazi, and the fact that Chuck Hagel may keep ‘I Hate Israel’ signs in his basement, hidden behind his possible enormous collection of Nazi artifacts. I and the American public want to know the truth about what really happened last night at the Oscars, in Benghazi, in Hagel’s basement and in that Kenyan hospital where her husband may have been born!”

    The White House refused calls from The Lint Screen, then again, most houses do the same.

  • The Envelope, Please

    "What did you say?"
    “What’d you say? You know I’m a vampire killer…”

    Tonight’s the 85th Academy Awards and while 2012 was a pretty terrific year for movies, I hope just one thing–– that Lincoln doesn’t get crowned king.

    Yes, Lincoln was a great president but this was not a great movie. It wasn’t bad, mind you, it just didn’t live up to the incessant hype. Let’s just say the emperor has no stovepipe hat and leave it at that.

    I still haven’t seen Armour, Beasts of the Southern Wild or Zero Dark Thirty, but have caught all the other nominated films. Of them, I’d pick Silver Linings Playbook for best film. I would also cheer for Argo or Django Unchained as best pic. Just no Lincoln, please!

    For best actor, I’d go Joaquin Phoenix in The Master, a desperately under appreciated film. Give me Christoph Waltz for supporting role in Django, and give Quentin his gold statue for writing the original screenplay. For adapted screenplay, David O. Russell deserves the little man for Silver Linings Playbook.

    I won’t pick in the other categories since I haven’t seen the majority of the nominees, but please, Academy, let Lincoln be. While this film was not a great moment in cinema, we did have a better time in the theatre than ol’ Abe did.

  • A Sadder World

    God called another great man from the bullpen and I am sad. Paul Decker is dead at age 75.

    I never met Paul, only spoke to him on the phone a couple of times, but I was a huge fan of his work. Paul lived in Portland, Oregon, and was married to the lovely Kitty O’Keefe, a financial guru who I got to know when she hunted heads in advertising.

    Paul was an adman in the tradition of gadflies like Howard Gossage. An interesting man with a bouquet of varied interests. He was a terrific copywriter, creative director, producer. He once wrote a brochure for a fictitious multi-national ad agency called “Mammoth, Pervasive and Bland” as a promo piece for L.A.’s keye/donna/pearlstein. I remember straining my eyes to read his brilliant copy when it was reproduced in ad award show books.

    Paul had many other interests: he DJ-ed a jazz program on a public radio station in Portland, developed radio acting classes for a high school, created animated film projects and was working on a reality TV show featuring the music and food of New Orleans. These are just some of his Cliff notes.

    But his real genius was evidenced by his creation of Modern Meats, a company that allegedly manufactured tasty meat (and meat-like) creations. Paul wrote hilarious company newsletters and product announcements with wit as dry as a turtle’s tongue in the Sahara.

    Paul Decker was a true humorist, a spark for a world that desperately needs more fire. He will be missed, but I’m sure many memories of the joy Paul spread to others will be served along with Modern Meats at his wake.

    Goodbye, Paul, and thanks for spreading some joy.

  • God Tells Russia, “Bring It!”

    Putin may get more than he bargained for following his recent rant.
    Putin may get more than he bargained for.

    Unnamed sources close to God report that He is upset at the recent tirade that Russia president Vladimir Putin staged following a meteor landing in his country.

    “The Big Guy resents that creepy bare-chested Rooskie peacocking about being attacked from outer space,” said the heavenly source who wished to remain anonymous for fear of banishments to lakes of fire for eternity. “The commie leader believes in aliens but he doesn’t believe in a Greater Power?! I mean, come on, what’s the Boss supposed to do? The G-Force called a meeting and told everyone to get the word out to Putin to ‘bring it.’ Hey, let’s face it, He can take him and his puny country out at any minute. I’d say God’s a pretty safe bet in this fight.”

    There has been no response from the former Soviet Union.

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