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  • N.R.A. Wants Law To Make It Easier To Get Guns

    Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is a good idea says N.R.A.
    Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is a good idea for Americans says N.R.A.

    The National Rifle Association is mad!

    The powerful organization is urging lawmakers to pass legislation that will make it much easier for people to acquire guns.

    “It’s ridiculous the hoops we make law abiding Americans jump through to get a weapon,” said an N.R.A. spokesman. “We force people to go to gun shows or even strain themselves by shopping on-line to get their weaponry protected by the Second Amendment. I don’t think our forefathers would stand for such ridiculous restraints coming between freedom lovers and semi-auto weaponry to protect ourselves from evil forces. So we want Congress to pass sensible laws like ‘Take A Gun, Leave A Gun’ that will make it easier for citizens to arm themselves!”

    Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is an idea inspired by “take a penny, leave a penny” popular at many convenience stores. Rather than pennies, a basket would be used so that people could leave firearms for others, and take the weapons they need.

    “It just makes sense for there to be a hassle-free way for citizens to arm themselves,” said the N.R.A. spokesman as he slapped a new clip into his Glock. When asked if Take A Gun, Leave A Gun might lead to more convenience store armed robberies, the spokesman became irate. “Look, if the guy or girl behind the counter ain’t packing some heat, what in the blue blazes do they expect?”

  • Death in The Morning

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    Death was lying on the grass. I was out for a morning walk on the beautiful wide walkway running along South Miami Beach, listening to a podcast with headphones on, living in my own space when I was interrupted by death.

    A man’s body, with a sheet not quite covering all of it. The right arm stuck out with the hand upturned and still. Still in an erie way that broadcast one thing: this soul is gone. The bottoms of his feet were also visible, the well worn soles of shoes that will walk no more.

    A fire rescue vehicle was there and an attendant was by the dead man’s side. There was nothing for the fire department paramedic to do. He was waiting, for what I don’t know.

    The dead man was homeless, all his worldly possessions in a plastic bag by his side. Close by, another fire rescue worker was talking with an elderly homeless man, I assume trying to get to the bottom of what happened.

    I didn’t want to stop and gawk at this tragic scene. I kept walking and thought of a life lost. An anonymous dead man covered head to toe by a white sheet with an exposed dead hand reaching up to a beautiful morning blue sky. A fresh day full of possibilities for the living.

    Who was he, this dead man?

    He was someone’s child. What was his story, what were his hopes, dreams, ambitions, joys, disappointments and regrets? Who was he and how did he come to this unglamorous exit on a grassy area by a sidewalk by a beach? What was the life he lived and how was it processed in his head? Was he happy, sad, tortured, haunted or oblivious? Who woud remember him and how would he be remembered?

    I’ll never know. Who could possibly know?

    I walked by. Death in the morning is a hell of a wake up call.

  • April Fool’s Joke Ends Tragically

    Chet Woodstrom is not laughing-- because Chet Woodstrom dead!!!
    Chet Woodstrom is not laughing– because Chet Woodstrom is D-E-A-D!!!

    Tom Mundyfort and Chet Woodstrom had been friends since the age of five, but that friendship ended tragically this morning when Mundyfort shot Woodstrom dead, the unfortunate victim of an April Fool’s Day prank gone awry.

    “We always tried to one up each other,” said a sobbing Mr. Mundyfort handcuffed in the back of a patrol car, “and I guess I one-upped him one too far.”

    Mundyfort explained that last year Mr. Woodstrom had pranked Mr. Mundyfort by throwing a water balloon at him. “He got me good. I was drenched! Well, I told him, I said, ‘Tom, next year I’m going to pay you back but good for getting me wet!’” And this year he did.

    Mundyfort glued a $5 bill on the floor of the office garage by Mr. Woodstrom’s parking spot, then he lay in wait hiding behind the corner. When Mr. Woodstrom pulled into his spot, he got out of his car and spied the $5 bill. The unsuspecting man bent over to pick up the Lincoln when Mr. Mundyfort unleashed his April Fool’s joke– he shot him four times with his Glock.

    “I only meant to wing him in the shoulder,” said a visibly distraught Mundyfort, “but I guess my aim was off and I capped his noggin. Man, I’ll bet he never even saw it coming. It looks like I won but I never wanted to win this way.”

    The police drove off with the gunman to enter the legal system where he will be served a heaping hot dish of justice.

  • Kim Jong Un Threatens Attack of Killer Dragon

    Kim Jong Un reveals secret weapon, threatens USA.
    Kim Jong Un reveals secret weapon, threatens USA.

    North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is so upset with the United States of America, he is threatening an attack of “the biggest, nastiest most lethal and deadly flying dragon ever, breathing killer fires of death and destruction to murder terrible, evil imperialists! We will win this game of thrones game with our superior dragon weaponry!”

    Un, or “The Greatest Person Ever To Walk The Earth” to his friends, says that he must take a stand against the U.S. because “I’ve got to prove myself even more batshit crazy than my old man was, and believe me, I’ve got a ways to go yet.”

    The North Korean dictator has dropped rumors that he may also have other weapons at his disposal including “an 800-foot cat who is hungry and has very sharp claws, a giant octopus that will throw children having temper tantrums and a mermaid that brews very weak tea and then detonates nuclear bombs that kill and destroy all living things. The weak tea disappoints, but the nuclear weapons hurt even more.”

    There has been no official U.S. response to Un.

    Un selects children for octopus launching
    Un selects children for octopus launching
  • The Beatles & Me

    They may not have changed the world as a barbershop quartet.
    They may not have changed the world as a barbershop quartet.

    It was just over 50 years ago when the Fab Four released their first record to a square world and ushered in Beatlemania, moptops and you say you want a revolution–– well, you got it.

    Sure, those Brit guys get the glory but a small kid from Ohio (me) had a bit of an influence on the band. Dig.

    Here’s the original Lennon-McCartney lyrics to She Loves You:
    She loves you,
    yes, yes, yes
    She loves you,
    yes, yes, yes…

    I suggested they get a bit more informal–– yeah, yeah, yeah.

    The band originally wanted to sport crewcuts, wear cardigan sweaters and perform barbershop quartet music. I suggested they let their hair grow, suit up and play electrified rock and roll music.

    The band wanted to drop acid–– sulfuric acid. A punk kid talked them out of it.

    The same kid helped them change the lyrics to some of their most famous songs. See if you can guess what those songs were from these original titles the band had: I Am The Wombat, Baby, You’re A Financially Sound Man With A Diversified Portfolio, Carry That Freight, Revolution 7, Penny Loafers, Very Attractive Sadie, Let It Pee, A Day In Wife, Glass Pearl Onion, Cathy Rigby, Everybody’s Got Something To Ride Except Me And My Orangutang, Get Plaque, The Day Before Today, She Came In Through The Coal Chute, While My Guitar Takes Imipramine To Boost Its Spirits and Here Comes That Big Yellow Circle Thingy In The Sky.

    Yes, the band changed the world, but it might not have been without some guidance in the shadows from a midwestern youngster.

  • Dude to Get Drunk on St. Patrick’s Day

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    Brian Patrick Flannigan plans on being hungover March 18. “I’m getting totally wicked wasted on St. Paddy’s Day,” said the 21-year old Lawrence, Massachusetts native, “I think he would have expected me to get blotto in honor of his birthday.”

    Flannigan says he plans to wear all green on St. Patrick’s Day and drink only green beer. “St. Patrick invented green beer so I’m going to hoist a couple dozen in his honor. Green beer tastes better because it’s fresher. It’s green!”

    The young man says he’ll also be sporting a “Irish Me Kiss I’m” button. “It’s hilarious because the words are all scrambled like they’re drunk or something. It’s a real conversation starter, for sure, and I think the ladies will be all over me. Can’t fail.”

    The ambitious man states he will be training tonight for his St. Patrick’s Day celebration. “Me and the boys are pub crawling tonight, priming the pump for tomorrow. We’re training like athletes getting the old liver in shape. I think St. Patrick would be proud. He was the patron saint of partying! Wooooo!”

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