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Cute Cat Kills Cute Girl

“Cuddles” killed Sally to garner a larger share of the cuteness spotlight.

The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “There is only so much cuteness in this world to go around.” And, brother, maybe he was right!

This morning, a cute kitty named “Cuddles” ripped the face off its owner, a precocious and cute little girl named Sally Jeffers in Roanoke, Virginia. As a result of the cat-inflicted injuries, Sally bled out and will be retired to a plot in Mother Earth.

“It’s tragic,” said Dr. Vincent Dundersin, the emergency room physician who tried to save Sally’s life. “There were claws imbedded in her cheekbone. That cat went wild with fury, but let me tell you, that kitten looked so incredibly innocent when I pulled it off her face. In fact, the little bundle of fluffy fur and whiskers meowed and purred as it gently licked a ribbon of her dangling ripped flesh. It was precious and adorable. The nurses and me just said, “Aw, isn’t that the cutest thing! Kitty misses his master!”

“I believe Cuddles felt threatened by Sally’s cuteness,” said noted animal psychiatrist Dr. J. Sigmund Grengor, “and Cuddles took action for self-preservation. What else could he do? If an animal feels threatened, he acts.”

Perhaps the level of cuteness in the world is stable, for now.

July 1, 2013
Advice From An Old Fart

Pontification is good.

I was recently asked by the blog The Agency Post to give some advice to college grads interested in pursuing an advertising career. I did it but think the advice also applies to just about anyone in the market for a job, the kind with paychecks.

Please give it a read. Feel free to add your own advice. It’s fun to be philosopher king.

June 28, 2013
Sticky Fingers Putin

Putin stole my trophy!

Now that Robert Kraft has ratted-out Rooskie leader Vlad Putin as a no goodnik thief, I want to tell my story of how the commie head cheese stole from me.

It was April, 2004. I had been invited by the red bigwig because Facebook had recently been launched and the Vladster wanted to know if he should join–– and if so, what his “friending strategy” should be.

As was my habit back then, I traveled with my second place spelling bee trophy from the fourth grade class of St. Pat’s Elementary School in Hubbard, Ohio. Although I was a junior in high school when I had won the trophy, I was proud of my incredible accomplishment and recognition.

Anyway, I showed the trophy to Putin and he was impressed with its heft. “I could kill someone with this,” he quipped.

“Yes,” I said, “and then write a letter-perfect obituary for your victim.”

Vlad liked my joke and he crouched low and began doing that crazy Russin kicking dance. Then he kick-danced out the door with my trophy in hand. I went to follow him but six large K.G.B. agents surrounded me. “Bad idea, comrade,” one of them said to me. “Let it go, dude,” said another.

So I did nothing. Later at a meeting, I requested that the trophy be returned, but Putin just looked at me, cocked his head and said, “And you are?…”

Four years later, Putin finally did join Facebook and he “friended” me. I’ve yet to respond.

I want my Buster Buzzy Bee-Bee back!

June 24, 2013
Star Trek Stars Defy Time Space Continuum

William Shatner’s looks get better with age.

What’s the deal with these “Star Trek” actors? They never seem to age. In fact, like fine wine, marshmallows and certain strains to sauerkraut, they just get better with age.

Take William Shatner. Wait until you see him in this new movie Star Trek Into Darkness–– dude looks great. And Leonard Nimoy, well his ears haven’t lost their edges nor has he lost his legendary hunkiness. Plus, he’s still smart as the dickens and quick as a whip. He could vulcanize rubber for Goodyear.

Sulu, Doc “Bones” McCoy, Scotty, Uhura, Chekov, why they all look phenomenal in this movie, I mean for actors who have to be pushing 90 or 100 years old. Whatever they’re doing in Hollywood–– the legal weed, macrobiotic seaweed diet with seltzer enemas, yoga organic antioxidant kelp-infused orgies, hair plugs with vitamin-enhanced roots–– it’s working.

Why, these cats seem to be going back in age like some sort of Ponce de Leon party trick. Check out this movie and see for yourself.

Oh, and this film takes place in the future somewhere in outer space. Maybe that explains the space ships that seem to play a central role in the plot. Could be space travel is the secret to turning back the hands of time, like old Alfred Eistein said in his theory of relatives and their activities.

June 18, 2013
NSA Disclosure May Force Politicians to Read

Lawmakers may be forced to actually read.

The recent discloser by Edward Snowden, a defense contractor consultant, that the National Security Agency (NSA) has been monitoring phone calls of all Americans has caused a kerfuffle in Washington. Many citizens view the monitoring of calls made and duration of call times as an invasion of privacy, even though these actions are authorized by Congress under The Patriot Act.

Washington politicians are also up in arms. “Look, I voted for The Patriot Act three times but I had no idea that it gave the government the right to spy on us,” said an anonymous Senator. “It was a huge damn document and like all the other lawmakers, I didn’t read it because I figured there’d eventually be a Cliff Notes version of it or a movie, but now that I’m finding out the powers it grants the government– I’m outraged. I may have to actually read this sucker! I can’t believe we’ve freely given the government these powers to invade our privacy!”

Later that night, records show that the Senator called some escort services and surfed some porn sites.

June 12, 2013
Study Finds More People Read Headlines Than Body Copy

Ain’t that a bitch?

People also like pictures.

June 6, 2013