The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

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  • Analysts Blame Elvis Costello For Apple Stock Dip

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    What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and iPhones?

    Yesterday, Apple’s leader Tim Cook headed a special news conference where the rock musician Elvis Costello performed.

    Today, Apple stock is getting hammered on Wall Street.

    “Elvis Costello was a mistake,” said a Goldman Sachs tech analyst. “Cook should have picked someone hip and hot, like I don’t know, maybe Steve Perry from Journey or who’s that lead singer of Kansas–– ol’ what’s his name.”

    A Morgan Stanley analyst thought Miley Cyrus would have been a better choice. “She’s hot what with her twerking and all, and have you seen this new video she did for ‘Wrecking Ball’– man, Bruce Springsteen didn’t get naked or lick a sledgehammer when he did that song!”

    At the news conference, apparently Apple also had some new product news.

  • “The Man” Gets Finger Poke In Eye

    Take that, THE MAN! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
    Take that, THE MAN!
    Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

    The Man has been trying to put The Lint Screen down.

    We’ve experienced lots of technical difficulties over the past couple weeks with our site hosted on GoDaddy servers. Now maybe GoDaddy was taking all that server space to stockpile the brainpower necessary to create its Super Bowl spots known for their intellectual stimulation (among other forms of stimulation). Whatever, it just wasn’t working so well for TLS.

    Or, it could have been the NSA dropping the hammer on all sites related to clothes dryers and their accessories. Why? It’s the government–– don’t ask, don’t tell.

    So we’ve switched servers to HostGator and it appears all systems are go. Sorry for any difficulties you might have experienced, please stay tuned as we ramp back up to our irregular and irresponsible postings.

    Thanks.
    The Management
    Sticking It To The Man

    PS: Here’s something from our archives you may have missed. Enjoy.

  • Miley Cyrus Story Runs With No Picture

    Yes, you’re right– what idiot approved that idea?

    Sorry.

  • World Grieves Dead Bird

    Beloved bird flew the coop.
    Beloved bird flew the coop.

    Waves of grief are gripping the globe at the news of the death of Flappy Wings Birdie-Boo, a beloved bird known, respected and revered for its ability to “fly in the sky, way up high.”

    “The body was discovered this morning,” said Capt. Brian Ferriswheel of the Atlanta Police Department. “Until the autopsy report is completed, we cannot rule out fowl play.”

    Calls into the morgue were met with equal parts anger and bitterness. “Leave me alone,” shouted an irate Kenneth Tiltawhirl, the county medical examiner, “I’m only one man and last time I checked I haven’t received a pay raise in seven years. And this morning, my toaster crapped out and I spilled coffee on these new off-white linen slacks. How you like them apples, mister smartypants?”

    Meanwhile, many mourned the tragic news.

    “Flappy Wings Birdie-Boo was a very popular birdie-poo,” said Rex The Talking Dog. “He had over 3,200 Facebook friends, over 460,000 followers on Twitter and a very robust Google+ account. It’s a real loss. Wish I could talk more, but I have to go to elocution class.”

  • Selling The Publicis-Omnicom Merger

    This year, some of the slickest marketing the agencies involved with this merger will do is selling why the merger is good to their clients.

    We think it might go something like this…

  • Rachel Strips For Laughs

    Oh, Rachel, have you stripped in vain?
    Oh, Rachel, what will Ross think?

    If you’ve seen the trailer for We’re The Millers, you’ve seen the best bits. There’s a couple more laughs in the full-length film, but not many. Which is a damn shame because the trailer is pretty funny, but it’s only a couple minutes long. The movie runs a flabby 110 minutes.

    This movie’s loaded with comedic talent: Jennifer Aniston, Jason Sudeikis, Nick Offerman, Will Poulter, Ed Helm, Kathryn Hahn, Ken Marino and on and on. But, it suffers the curse of a meandering script by four writers.

    Siskel & Ebert stated that more than two writers is usually a warning sign–– and I believe they nailed it. The script doesn’t live up to the talent or its full potential. Yet, we’re so starved for laughs, it’ll do good business and probably encourage a sequel:
    I Said, ‘We’re The Millers‘
    or We’re The Millers, Again.

    It’s Millers’ Time?

    It’s just too bad this particular movie isn’t better. I suspect that Ross, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey and Monica would have expected more for Rachel to prance about in her lacy things.

The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

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