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What’s The Game Plan, Chrysler?

Oh, Clint and Chrysler, make us believe.

When Chrysler’s “Halftime in America” spot aired in the first halftime commercial break of XLVI Super Bowl on February 5, 2012, it became an instant classic. Wieden+Kennedy’s two-minute tone poem intoned by Clint Eastwood (Mr. Tough American himself) struck a nerve.

Over beautiful cinematography, Clint spoke of resigned hope and optimism for Detroit and the American car industry. Like the genius Hal Riney spots that launched the Saturn auto brand, this spot resonated because it was honest, confessed past sins, then asked absolution and forgiveness in setting a new path forward to making better American cars (“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned…”).

Terrific, powerful stuff. If only it were true. Saturn started with great expectations, then morphed into a generic GM brand and drifted into oblivion. Which leaves us with Chrysler and its promise.

I was recently involved in a car accident and had to get a rental while my car was in the shop. I was put in a Chrysler 200. I think if I put Clint Eastwood in one, he’d give it a short drive, park and fire a full load from his .44 Magnum Smith & Wesson into it.

The engineers had to work hard designing a car this uncomfortable (did Marquis de Sade design the seats?). This vehicle could be used for enhanced interrogations Gitmo.

Fortunately, the car had ants and that gave me a reason to return it for a Toyota Corolla, a small car that’s so far superior to the Chrysler, it’s depressing.

Everything about the Toyota is better than the Chrysler: the ride, comfort, ergonomics, sound system, mileage, fit and finish– you name it. Which sucks.

It sucks because I wanted to believe Clint Eastwood’s halftime speech about a rededication to building great cars. It sucks because I’m a proud American and would love to buy American if given a compelling choice. It sucks because an adman like myself wants to believe in great advertising and has his heart broken when beautiful work proves to be empty promises and wishful thinking.

Ford’s have gotten better, Chevy’s, too, but check out the competition, Detroit– it’s superior to what you’re making. Car reviews prove it, consumer stats confirm it.

Halftime is over, Chrysler. If you’re going to kick some ass, you’re going to have to have a better game plan, and I believe all Americans would cheer for you to come up with one.

We’ve been waiting far too long. Let’s go, team!

October 14, 2013
Nanna & Pa-Pop Flee Obamacare Law

An elderly Ohio couple on the lam fears for their lives

To their eight grandchildren, Ester and Roland Oylingter of Wooster, Ohio are known as “Nanna” and “Pa-Pop”, but the grandkiddies haven’t seen the elderly couple since Sunday. Why? Obamacare.

With the Affordable Care Act, AKA “Obamacare”, going into effect on Monday, October 1, the couple fled their home on Sunday and are traveling anonymously across the country.

“We’d been watching Fox news for years, and we knew that Obamacare was going to fund death squads to kill grandparents like us,” said Roland in an exclusive telephone interview (from an undisclosed location).

“We’re not idiots,” added his wife shouting in the background. “We’re not about to sit around and wait to be killed! No siree, bob!”

Mr. Oylingter said the couple are worried about more than just their own impending death. “Obamacare is going to ruin our country. It’s going to bust our economy and our grandchildren will be sold into slavery to pay off our debt to our Chinese overlords. It’s also going to cause millions of people to die needlessly because government doctors will be poisoning people to keep rates low so we can open our borders for illegal aliens and insure them. I think Obamacare even covers al Qaeda terrorists. It’s also going to cause earthquakes and hurricanes, then Satan will be coming here his ownself to get some insurance and then turn our big green planet into a blazing inferno of hellfire and liberalism. How do I Know all this? Because I watch Fox. I ain’t no dummy.”

October 3, 2013
Tea Party Terrorists Strike

The tea party is having a party.

Irate tea party members in Congress have shut down the government because they can’t get their way.

“We’re steaming mad about this Affordable Care Act,” said one upset congressman. “We don’t care if it is the law passed by the democratic system of government, it’s not what we want and we must save the American people from democracy.”

Another congressman said, “The problem is we’re spending money on the American people when we should be spending money on bombs and arming our military to invade foreign nations to plant the seeds of democracy, which are patented by Monsanto, so that foreigners can enjoy the sweet, sweet fruits of freedom and liberty. Look, if we waste money here at home, it screws everything up. If we have to wreck the U.S. economy to get our way, we’ll do it. We have to prove a point.”

Meanwhile, a cluster of congressman huddled together and fist-bumped one another. “The enemy is the American government, and we came here to prove it. We won, we won!”

Excited lobbyists made it rain $100 bills and resumed writing their laws in case the government ever get back to work again.

October 1, 2013
World Premier: “The Merger (pt. 2)”

You’ve read about it in The New York Times, now catch the film critics are calling “Not as bad as I’d thought it would be” and “Better than a fist in the face or a dagger in the pancreas.”

Here it is, the sequel to “The Merger”, “The Merger (pt. 2)”

September 24, 2013
Believe It, Or Whatever

On a recent trip to St. Augustine, Florida, The Lint Screen unearthed an amazing discovery at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum (believe it or not, that’s the name)–– lint art.

Check it out:

Beneath the eye-opening artwork, the description:

Lint is a wonderful medium, believe it.

September 22, 2013
Hannity Considers A Hairstyle Change, A Nation Girds Its Loins

Hannity urged to move his part to the far right.

Tea party members are flipping their wigs, and now Fox mega-broadcaster Sean Hannity is considering changing his hairstyle.

Hannity, the popular conservative Fox pundit, has had the same hairstyle for years, a part that is just to the left of the middle of his scalp. The hair has recently outraged many tea party members.

“Sean can talk the talk all he wants about conservative values, but his hair is sending a different message,” said C. Ramsey Toomsade, a tea party member in Richmond, Virginia. “His hair says he’s left of the middle, and I say that means he supports government entitlement programs, abortion, a nanny state, Islamic terrorism, stomping on the Bible with muddy boots and gun control. I think it’s high time Sean took his part to the right–– the far right, and showed if his true colors are red, white and blue!”

A spokesman for Hannity said the newsman is exploring hairstyle options. “Sean has a natural part, but we’ll see if maybe a perm or scalp surgery can move that part to the right. We don’t want to disappoint our audience!”

September 19, 2013