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  • Colorful Character Declares Candidacy

    Carl The Chameleon throws his multi-colored hat into the ring. Handguns fire in celebration!
    Although Mr. Tuggles exited the presidential race, a new candidate has stepped forward with grand ambitions: Carl The Chameleon.

    “This is tremendous news for the nation,” said campaign manager, Sandy Oceans in a press conference held in Portland, Oregon this morning. “This 2012 campaign already has a Newt, but now it has a lizard that people can really believe in. One that can change its colors to fit the environment perfectly. And, a candidate with stereoscopic eyes to boldly see a future where we all can live in economic prosperity and jobs aplenty! Two, three, four jobs for everyone! A couple of ’em six figure babies, to boot! And get a load of this– whatever the voters want, they will most certainly get– with a cherry on top– because that’s the kind of government Carl The Chameleon believes in! And let me tell you, you won’t be getting that from any poopy puppy or mangy monkey, no siree! All they’ll do is give you empty promises. Carl The Chameleon will deliver results beautifully!”

    A crowd of hundreds applauded loudly and shot off handguns in joyous celebration. The competing campaign camps for Santy Paws and Ms. Pickles did not return phone calls for commentary on Carl The Chameleon’s candidacy, nor was there any word from Newt’s people.

  • Tuggles Pulls Out of Prez Race

    The cute kitten from Canfield, Ohio leaves the presidential race in disgrace.
    In a startling development, Mr. Tuggles, the cute kitten from Canfield, Ohio, has pulled out of the 2012 U.S. presidential race following recent allegations of “doing bad things, very bad things” to a mysterious cat.

    Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for Mr. Tuggles, issued a prepared statement at the press conference held this afternoon in Walpole, New Hampshire, where the Tuggles campaign was promising residents “people who don’t live free should die a thousand pain-filled deaths” and those that vote for Mr. Tuggles in the primary “will receive gold Rolex watches, house boats and Florida time shares” for their support.

    In his statement, a tearful Ossenwold said, “Mr. Tuggles has decided to withdraw his bid for the highest office in the land due to personal, prayerful considerations. This decision in no way reflects the recent outrageous wild allegations of sexual improprieties made by a cat of loose morals. Mr. Tuggles is pure as the driven snow that has never been violated by a footstep,” said Ossenweld sobbing. “He was a contender, Mr. Tuggles was. He coulda been king of the world, I tells ya– king of the world!”

    Ossenwold then collapsed at the podium as bored reporters stepped over his convulsing body to get on to the next juicy political story.

  • Tuggles Accused of Hanky Panky

    Mysterious kitty claims Mr. Tuggles did "very bad things."
    The presidential campaign for cute kitten candidate, Mr. Tuggles, was rocked today when a mysterious female cat came forward and claimed that the precious prez-would-be feline “did bad, bad things” during a relationship with her.

    The whistleblower cat would not detail specifics of what exactly Mr. Tuggles did, but she said, “they were definitely bad things. Very, very bad things. Kind of nasty, really.”

    The Mr. Tuggles campaign was in Iowa promising corn farmers heavy subsidies and shiny new cars and 42-room mansions for growing their corn “high as an elephant’s eye.” Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for the Mr. Tuggles campaign, said the allegations were “outrageous and slanderous.”

    “I’ll just bet that miserable mutt or stupid monkey are behind this,” said Ossenwold referring to other presidential candidates, adorable puppy, Santy Paws, and lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles. “This is dirty politics at its worst. That cat making these wild claims against Mr. Tuggles isn’t even that hot,” said Ossenwold, “I mean, come on, Tuggles could do way better than that cat,” Ossenwold said as he spat to the ground in disgust and kicked up a cloud of dust that blinded many reporters.

    There was no comment made by either campaign camps for Santy Paws or Ms. Pickles.

  • Single Celled Organism Declines Presidential Run

    The world reacts to the tragic news.
    The world held its collective breath in anticipation of the announcement of whether a single celled organism would make a run for the White House, and today the world received news that caused it to exhale in disappointment.

    Those who smelled the exhale said that the world had obviously been drinking and eating garlic.

    Russ Verblockin, a spokesman for single celled organism said that it had decided not to run for the presidency because it wished to spend more time with its petri dish family.

    “While single celled organism believes it could have brought about the change America so desperately needs,” Verblockin said in a prepared statement, “it also feels that it has an obligation to its loved ones and did not wish to bring them under the media’s microscopic scrutiny. I hope everyone respects single celled organism’s privacy.”

    The spokesman then broke down in tears and was ushered away.

  • Single Celled Organism May Enter Race

    If it enters race, single celled organism could prove a threat.
    In a surprising development, rumors have surfaced that a single celled organism may enter the presidential race.

    “It makes sense,” said a respected pundit. “We’ve got a crowded field of humans, a cute kitty, an adorable puppy and a lovable monkey. A single celled organism could prove to be a substantial threat, especially if it has a contagion following that could infect the rest of the field. Should this charismatic organism decide to run, it would be one of the most exciting presidential races ever. I’ve checked a bunch of history books, and I can say with over 80% certainty that if elected, the single celled organism would be the first microscopic president in U.S. history. That is pretty exciting!”

  • Lovable Monkey Enters Race

    Ms. Pickles enters the presidential political fray, and a nation swoons!
    Just when America thought it was a two horse presidential race between a puppy and a kitten, a new candidate aims to make monkeys out of both–– a lovable precious precocious primate named Ms. Pickles!

    Dan Gruthers, the campaign manager for Ms. Pickles spoke to reporters outside his Tempe, Arizona home. “I think that little puppy and kitten-cat are pretty cute, but I worry about having a president with paws who has the power to nuke our planet to smithereens. What if that paw slips? We couldn’t launch a nuclear attack and evildoers would know that so they’d bully us with verbal wedgies and what-have-yous. Are we going to be a nation of wusses? No! What America needs is a creature like a human but without human faults. And Ms. Pickles, why she’s real human-like, what with her two arms, two legs and a face that melts your heart like butter in a microwave. This country needs a feminine touch on the nuclear launch button, and Ms. Pickles is ready to protect, serve and prepare a mushroom cloud omelette of destruction if need be!”

    Ms. Pickles then came out and clapped her hands as reporters swooned. Mr. Gruthers tossed Ms. Pickles a grape, which she caught in her mouth. She then did a back flip and moonwalked. The reporters applauded loudly and cheered.

    As the presidential race heats up, there was no response from other declared candidates.

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