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  • Bye Bye Big Man


    Clarence Clemons is dead at age 69. Nicknamed The Big Man, he stood 6′ 5″ and weighed-in at 270. Pity his pall bearers. Pity us fans.

    His mighty lungs were the engine room of Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band. When he picked up his mighty tenor sax, the walls of Jericho protecting the human core shook and crumpled as emotions were laid bare and spirits were lifted to the heavens. The solo Clarence plays in “Jungleland” is testament to his greatness.

    With breath and finger movement, he picked our bones clean.

    I had the pleasure of seeing him perform with the Boss at least 10 times. Over the years the band lost some of its intensity, but the E Streeters always delivered the goods. Front and center in my memory banks is the band in its glory days on the “Darkness” tour, playing Richfield Coliseum outside of Cleveland. I managed to get free admission to be a security person for the show. Originally, my task was to check purses for booze and weapons, but I talked my way into a better detail– guarding the rows of seats behind the stage to keep fans away.

    As the concert started, I settled into my post in one of the seats on the edge of the vacancy zone and watched the show. Springsteen and the E Street Band were at their peak, and I had a fabulous seat.

    And Clarence, Clarence just blew us all away.

    Thanks, Big Man. With your lungs, I doubt you’ll be issued a harp in heaven.

  • LeBron Wants To Play For Mavs

    He’s fed up playing with losers. LeBron wants a ring.

    In an exclusive The Lint Screen interview, Miami Heat megastar LeBron James said he wants to play for the Dallas Mavericks next year. The Mavericks beat the Heat on Sunday to become the NBA’s championship team.

    “LeBron is a champion,” said James who recently began referring to himself in the third person for dramatic effect, “and LeBron deserves to play for a championship team. LeBron left Cleveland for Miami to be a champion, but that was a failed experiment. LeBron is very disappointed in the crappy performance of his teammates. They disappointed LeBron and his finger feels naked with no championship ring. LeBron liked what he saw of the Mavericks and thinks he can be happy there, so LeBron is open to moving again. If Dallas makes LeBron an incredible offer, LeBron will get an hour TV special and contemplate it, then give his decision. That is how LeBron rolls.”

    There were no comments from Mavericks officials, but Miami fans wish him the worst.

  • Weiner & Lee Battle

    Weiner brings it strong!

    Lee refuses to back down.
    Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.) says former Rep. Chris Lee (R-N.Y.) is not worthy to shed his shirt when in the company of ‘Weinermeister.’

    “Look, Lee has a decent bod, I get that, but he didn’t have game,” a confident Weiner told reporters. “A little flex don’t get it done these days. You’d better bring some serious trouser time if you want to make an impression these days!”

    “I don’t play blue,” Lee responded. “I’ve got an image to keep. Weiner’s cheap trash.”

    An irate Weiner responded. “You tell pretty boy he tucked tail and ran scared. He resigned his House seat– left it wet. But not this stud muffin. I’m here, baby, here to stay all the way and show my wares to anyone’ll look! Wait’ll you see what’s next on Weinertime Theatre!”

    A rumor circulated that many more House Representatives were ready to enter the skin competition. The 112 th Congressional cheesecake calendar will be out shortly. Vote early and often.

  • X Marks Spot for Cinematic Gold

    Sometimes a winning franchise needs to go backwards to go forward and give it a shot of adrenalin. Such was the case with the Batman and Star Trek series, and such is the case with the X-Men tales.

    And she has super powers, too?
    X-Men: First Class takes us to the origins of super-powered mutants. Like Christopher Nolan’s 2005 Batman Begins and 2009’s Star Trek by J.J. Abrams, this prequel is action-packed popcorn-munching good times. And like those two brilliant prequels, this is one of the best in the franchise.

    The story in X-Men: First Class is rich, interesting, well acted and directed (by Matthew Vaughn of Layer Cake and Layer Cake fame). Learn about the early days of Professor X and Magneto, and what drove them apart. Hint: it wasn’t one lending his albums to the other and having them come back scratched (although that might make for a good sequel to this prequel).

    The effects are cool but do not get in the way of a complex and satisfying character-driven story.

    Not being an action comics fan, I didn’t know the beginning story of the mutants, how they came together and fell apart. It’s a classic tale of good and evil (oh, evil– why must you be so evil?). We’ve got Nazis, CIA spooks, Ruskies, JFK, government bureaucrats–– and those aren’t even the mutants!

    For mutated wonders, there’s mind readers, a metal bender, shape shifter, chameleon, flier and fireball spitter, harness-energy-and-then-zap-it-back-at-you wonderdude and more. Plus January Jones, who had some kind of superpower but she doesn’t really need it because, well, she looks like January Jones and that’s strong enough stuff to stop Don Draper in his Florsheims.

    There’s plenty of terrific performances by Kevin Bacon, James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence and a crew of up and comers who’ll be here soon enough.

    I won’t get into details. Suffice to say this movie has a lot of charisma, energy and charm, and is certainly the best action adventure fare this year.

    See it and believe in the power of fantastical stories again.

  • Palin Courting Meatloaf Vote

    She's out to win, you betcha!
    Although she has not officially declared her candidacy for President, or her intent in serving the remainder of her term as Alaska governor, Sarah Palin is reportedly actively seeking support from rock star/reality show megastar Meatloaf (real name: Hamburger Loafenz).

    Sources close to Palin report that the ex-Guv wants “Loaf-power” on her side.

    “Meatloaf is a natural born leader,” said one Palin camp insider. “Many people follow his every move. Donald Trump was smart enough to know that and use it for his benefit. Support for The Donald simply was really about Meatloaf support. Now that his Hairness has decided to vote no-go to running for prez, the valuable Meatloaf vote is up for grabs.”

    It's anybody's guess which way the big man will go!
    Washington insiders are speculating that President Obama may soon begin a full court press to win Meatloaf support.

    “Obama’s an astute politician,” said an anonymous White House staffer, “he knows that where the Loaf goes, so goes America. The 2012 election will not be about jobs, the economy, deficits, wars or foreign policy– it’ll be about what the public really cares about: the washed-up rocker vote.”

    Indeed. Now that Mike Huckabee has also announced that he will not run for the oval office, his rockin’ supporter, Ted Nugent (real name: Harvey Catscratchian) is also in play.

    “The smart candidate will be the one who can muster both Meatloaf and Ted Nugent support. And if that person can also somehow figure a way to get Steven Tyler’s vote, why that candidate will be swept into office. Heck, even if you only get a pair of them, well, two out of three ain’t bad. Both Palin and Obama know how high the stakes are, and they’re both working it hard! Yee-dawddle!”

  • “SEAL Team 6” Available For Use

    Disney Attorneys: are they more frightening that SEAL Team 6?
    Disney has made a great patriotic gesture by dropping its intent to trademark the phrase “SEAL Team 6” for use on garments, clothing, ornaments, and every object on earth. Now commoners can use “SEAL Team 6” without fear of being swarmed and pummeled with lawsuits by Disney legal counsellors.

    Thank you, Disney.

    However, Disney has decided to trademark some other phrases including the following:
    “Mom”
    “My penguin is jittery”
    “Hello”
    “Pass the salt, please”
    “Mother”
    “Is this your umbrella?”
    “Thanks”
    “That’s why they call it ‘marauding’”
    “Amen”
    “I think I have food poisoning”
    “Hey, how about wiping off the seat of the stationary bike before you leave, jerkwad?”
    “God”
    “Wad the tracing paper, dance a wee bit of a jig–– we’re going to Santa Fe!”

    Legal experts are unsure if Disney will be able to clear muster of trademarking all these phrases and words, but know they your ability to freely use them may be limited.

    By the way, is this your umbrella?

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