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  • Plan Unveiled To Bolster U.S. Economy

    We're rich, I tellas ya, RICH!!! Spend up, live it up!
    A leading economic advisor, Dr. Geoffrey K. Rumdeedumdeedum, has proposed a bold plan he says will goose the economic doldrums the United States economy has been experiencing.

    “We need to finally recognize Monopoly money as legal tender,” says the man who describes himself as a distinguished economist from his home behind a dumpster in an alley outside a Papa John’s Pizza in Lexington, Kentucky.

    “People are afraid to spend because they don’t know what the economy is going to do. Well, let’s give them the power to enjoy spending again. You shouldn’t have to pass ‘GO’ to enjoy yourself. We have the means– just about every household has a Monopoly game– let’s use it! I think it’s a crackerjack idea and crackerjacks usually have a prize inside which is like getting a Bazooka Joe comic inside a chunk of Bazooka gum and by gum I think something or other is just what we need to do so let’s do it. Now, where was I?”

    Government officials have declined comment on the proposal, but irate tea party members say that if it is enacted, they refuse to pay any luxury tax, period.

  • Lawmakers Take Vacation From Nation Ruination

    Lawmakers take a break from their torture of America.
    Congressional personnel are exiting Washington quickly to enjoy their long summer vacations. “We’re exhausted,” said one Congressman. “Doing nothing good is awfully tiring work.”

    While no politician wanted to be quoted on record, all who spoke with The Lint Screen admitted that they were tuckered-out from grandstanding and being sycophantic servants to their lobbyist overlords and billionaire puppet masters. “I’ve had so many rich meals, my last cholesterol test said I was the equivalent to Béarnaise sauce,” said one distraught senator.

    Many of the tea party stooges admitted they were tired from trying to drive the economy into the ground. “Playing chicken little and screaming ‘the sky is falling!’ is really harder than it looks,” said one exhausted freshman congressman. “Being a drama queen is tougher duty than I thought it’d be, yes siree, Bob!”

    While The Lint Screen research department was unable to identify exactly who this “Bob” person is, we can say with certainty that with the lawmakers away, the United states of America is safe for the time being.

  • Citizens to be Issued Disguises

    The new face of America will be hard to recognize.
    The political grandstanding in Washington has resulted in a game of chicken with neither side blinking and our foreign creditors looming outside our door twirling their handlebar mustaches and laughing evilly. But citizens, do not think Washington is broken!

    In a bold and decisive move, both the House and Senate have unanimously approved a bill that would purchase an ingenious disguise for every American to wear after we miss our debt payments and have to go into what economists call “severe deadbeat status.”

    “It’s a plan that everyone on the Hill likes because we don’t have to raise taxes, close tax loopholes, cut any spending or do anything that will cost us political capital,” said an anonymous House Representative. “When our creditors come looking for us to get their money, every American can simply shrug and say we don’t know where all the Americans went– we’re new in this country. It’s foolproof really. The only fly in the Vaseline is how we’re going to raise the money needed for 311,884,965 fake glasses and mustaches. Fortunately, we’ve been able to secure a special government discount on these for only $42.35 each from a subsidiary of Halliburton. We’ll find the money, I’m sure!”

  • Nation Contemplates Internet Scam

    Mysterious insider spills guts of new plot.
    With the United States government facing impending default, politicians have been scrambling for a solution. The latest involves using the internet to hoodwink people into giving needed funds to pay our debtors.

    In a secret conversation held in Washington, a top ranking official confidentially told The Lint Screen that the deal has gained bipartisan approval and looks like it will be going forward.

    “What we’ll do is blanket the world with an e-mail from a fictitious diplomat who is managing the estate of his recently departed relative. He’ll inform the recepient that he or she can receive $680,000,000 in U.S. funds that was left them by a distant rich uncle. In order to get the monies, the person simply needs to forward some information like his or her personal bank account number so that we can wire the funds. When the mark writes back with the financial info, we suck the account dry. The whole thing’s a brilliant ruse, see, there is no dead rich uncle– the uncle is Uncle Sam and he’ll get rich toot-sweet with this little scam!”

    With that, the insider laughed loudly, ignited a Chesterfield, inhaled deeply and walked into the shadows of the Lincoln Memorial as he whistled.

    Sleep well, America. We’re almost rich.

  • U.S. Takes New Tact In Debt Crisis

    Now that its back is against the wall to its creditors in the ongoing U.S. debt crisis, politicians have been working hard to propose a solution. And they believe they have it.

    Politicians find perfect fall guy for the U.S. debt crisis.
    If no political compromise plan can be developed with spending cuts and/or tax enhancements, the United States government will enact “The Mail Strategy.”

    “We’ll inform our creditors that we just paid them and that the check is in the mail,” said a high ranking senator who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s a classic ploy because who can say it isn’t? It’ll buy us some time while we continue to hash this thing out. Of course, it is only a temporary solution because we’ll eventually have to actually get them a check, but it will by us some well needed time. And, if worse comes to worse, we can write them a rubber check which again will buy us some time. One thing’s for sure and you can take this to the bank– America’s politicians are working hard to solve this doozie of a pickle crisis!”

  • America Rejected, Ushers To Mobilize

    The United States of America learned today that it had been rejected for its Discover Card application. A company spokesman said the country “poses too great a risk,” “has a shaky employment history,” and “is probably more of a Capital One-type of customer.”

    While government officials expressed disappointment at the news, they were thankful for the tip about applying for a Capital One credit card. “They give those suckers to absolutely anyone, so we’re golden.”

    Some added muscle will raise needed revenue.
    Meanwhile, the government is organizing an army of church ushers to act as a goon squad going door to door across America with collection baskets.

    An official said, “The ushers will be charged with taking whatever measures necessary for weisenheimers to part with their dough. We need cheapskates to pony up the benjis to reduce the huge deficit what we got.” The official added, “Look, we’ll do whatever it takes so we don’t have to raise taxes on billionaires, see. After all, they’re the bosses who make huge political donations for elections, they gots to be protected at all costs, see.”

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