The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

  • Adorable Kitten Considers Prez Run

    Will kitty run? Run, kitty, run! See Kitty run!
    An incredibly cute kitten in Canfield, Ohio is reportedly considering a run for the Oval Office.

    Mr. Tuggles, an adorable mixed breed feline, is said to be contemplating declaring his candidacy in the 2012 presidential election race. Although the kitten is not close to 35 years old, a Constitutional requirement for serving as a U.S. President, his handlers say that he has the maturity and wisdom of a 55-year old human. “Plus, I know for a fact that Mr. Tuggles was born in this country because I saw it with my own two eyes– why, it happened right there, under the sink,” said Roger Bimplow who resides in the house with the cuddly furrball of love.

    Jerry Ossenwold, an advisor close to Mr. Tuggles, says that he believes the kitten will be a very strong presidential contender. “No one can match him for adorableness and fluffability, and I believe those are the things all Americans are looking for in today’s bleak economy. Mr. Tuggles also does not believe in science, mathematics, art, history or biology. In fact, he told me that he thinks too much book learning and self expression is destroying the world. I agree!”

    Ossenwold would not disclose which political party Mr. Tuggles is associated with, but said that he has already been approached by many corporate lobbyists bearing catnip and saucers of milk to curry the cute kitten’s political favor.

    “Should he run, I believe Mr. Tuggles will be hard to beat. He’s just so darn lovable, he’ll win paws down!” said the chubby political adviser as he rolled on the lawn and asked for his belly to be rubbed vigorously.

  • Scarier Than Any Aliens

    Life during a pandemic ain't too pretty.
    Contagion is a very frightening movie. Steven Soderbergh film of a Scott Z. Burns screenplay has a galaxy of stars–– Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Laurence Fishburne, Jude Law, Bryan Cranston and Kate Winslet–– without any big special effects or CGI aliens, monsters or exploding cities.

    Yet, the film is gripping and terrifying because the simple story is so plausible, believable and frankly expected that this is certainly how the world will react when we get our next great pandemic.

    It ain’t going to be pretty, people.

    This is an adult movie studded with great performances, interesting camerawork, an innovative soundtrack and some surprising twists. It also has this gem of a line: “Blogging? That’s just graffiti with punctuation.”

    Contagion is hardly a feel-good movie, but it’s certainly a movie worth seeing. If you do, please try to refrain from coughing. It will only scare others.

  • On Being George

    Growing up in the late pocket of Baby Boomerdom, The Beatles were at the height of their popularity. The most common question of the day was, “Who’s your favorite Beatle?”

    If your answer was John, you were an artsy rebel.
    Paul, a cutesy pleaser.
    If you chose George, you were the quiet loner.
    And Ringo was, well, the goofy outsider.

    When I was about 10, my best friend Joe would invite me and a couple other pals to his garage. He’d swipe a pack of his old man’s Raleigh cigarettes, which came with coupons for being a loyal smoker. Collect enough coupons, you could maybe get a new set of lungs.

    We’d light up in his garage, wield badminton rackets as guitars and pretend that we were the Beatles, smoking ciggies and singing like in the movie A Hard Day’s Night. Now Joe, being our cordial host and supplier of smokes and the only one of us who could actually sing, Joe always picked John or Paul since those two did most of the singing. I would try to get whichever one he didn’t pick. BUT, if Ernie was there, well, Ernie would take second dibs on the basis of the fact he was much bigger than me and a bully– so as the old saying goes, “Might makes Lennon or McCartney.”

    Which left being George or Ringo. My first choice of those was to be George. I was pretty awesome on lead badminton racquet, and I could muck my way through harmonies. Last choice was Ringo. Pretending to play drums with tree sticks was not so glamorous.

    We’d smoke, we’d play, we’d sing. Back then, it seemed the pecking order of people I knew for favorite Beatle was #1- John, #2- Paul, #3- George and #4- Ringo. John and Paul were probably 80-90% of the picks.

    George never really got his due. He was not the popular Beatle, but he did write some of the band’s greatest songs. Now Martin Scorsese will give George his due, and I for one am looking forward to it. I won’t be smoking or playing badminton racquet, but I will be missing Joe, who left the stage far too early, my youth and the innocence of days when “Who’s your favorite Beatle?” could bond you to damn near anyone.

    So, do tell– who’s your favorite Beatle?

  • al-Qaeda Leader al-Zawahiri Updating Resume

    He's so desperate, he's joined Facebook and LinkedIn
    Following the assassination of Osama bin Laden in his Pakistan porn crib on May 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri became the acting leader of the no-goodnik al-Qaeda organization.

    al-Zawahiri, long recognized as a dastardly mastermind but lacking in the charisma department, is reportedly fed up with leading the organization after almost four months.

    “He’s had it,” said an insider close to al-Qaeda operations. “There’s too many meetings, too many PowerPoint presentations, too many forms to fill out and expense reports to sign. He’s toast, so he’s updating his resume and starting to network like crazy. He’s even joined Facebook and LinkedIn– he’s that serious.”

    Reportedly the 60-year old leader is also fed up with not getting any respect within the organization. “He always lived in Osama’s shadow,” said a confidant, “and that hurt al-Zawahiri’s ego. He thought that when he took over he’d get some respect, but it hasn’t happened–– dude’s the Rodney Dangerfield of terrorists.”

    Apparently al-Zawahiri is also concerned about the recent drone-induced death of the #2 al Queda official, Atiyah Abdul Rahman.

    “They’re dropping like flies,” said the unnamed source, “and al-Zawahiri wants to get out while he can. Rumor has it he’ll even shave his face fur for the right opportunity.”

  • Don’t Be An Idiot

    You will be bored. You will feel like an idiot.
    Our Idiot Brother may be the most disappointing movie of the year. It’s chocked with talented, interesting performers– Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Deschanel, Steve Coogan, Emily Mortimer, Rashida Jones and more– yet it muddles around aimlessly trying to decide if it’s shooting for comedy, drama, dramedy, comedrama, morality tale, what exactly?

    In the end, it’s an aggravation. The message is that the brother, Ned (Paul Rudd), is too trusting, naive and innocent in this world and that makes him an idiot. Or does it? Hey, maybe the sisters and others who are scrambling so hard to succeed, playacting their way through keeping a happy face, doing whatever needs to be done to get ahead and get their selfish ways… hey, maybe they’re the idiots!

    It’s not a bad message, it’s just a story told with no focus and no clear point of view. Blame writers David Schisgall and Evgenia Peretz. Adding to the disappointment, it’s well-shot with good production values. Credit director Jesse Peretz. This film’s a turd that’s been varnished to a fine shine.

    How bad is this film? Well, you know how many comedies have bloopers or outtakes at the end rolling during the credits? This film does that trick, but not even the outtakes are funny.

    It’s a pity this film ever got made.

  • He Was “For The Rest of Us”

    Steve Jobs has left the building. He is no longer Mr. Apple. While this day had to eventually come, it doesn’t make it any easier to take.

    No other business leader has been such a visionary, and no other company is such a reflection of its inspirational leader. Jobs is Apple, Apple is Jobs, and we will see if the great company can continue going forward without him at the helm.

    I suspect it will. After all, Jobs stocked the pond.

    In its early days, back when IBM ruled the PC world, Apple was positioned as “the computer for the rest of us.” Us were those who could care less how the damn thing worked. Us were the technophobic crowd who merely wanted the magic without knowing how the trick was done. Us were the ones who wanted to do a task with one keystroke instead of three, and wanted to make it possible for typography to be beautiful.

    That’s what Jobs and Apple gave us: easy to use computers and devices that did what needed to be done, while doing some other cool things, all while looking pretty cool.

    I spend most days hunched over an Apple laptop. I listen to an iPod on foot, in the car and on the plane. I talk on an iPhone and surf the web with it, too. I rarely resist the siren call of an Apple store and lust for all the goodies within (MacBook Air, I’m stalking you). And, of course, I’ve been a fan of Apple’s advertising from the start.

    Aside from those couple years when Jobs got das boot from Apple and created NeXT and turbo-boosted Pixar, the company was a reflection of the man in jeans and a black turtleneck. A man who is sick, but still generously shared his wisdom a few years back with this inspiring commencement address.

    A man who was our modern day Edison with his name listed on 313 Apple patents. A man who thought differently, and asked us to think different. A true American legend, this Steve Jobs. He will be missed. Enjoy.

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