I got the perfect wedding gift, but no one to give it to!Amazingly, I was not invited to the wedding of young Prince William to Commoner Kate.
Apparently Queenie-poo will never forgive me for “the macaroni salad incident” that happened when I met the Queen Mum in 2004. It was a joke, but let’s face it– The Royals have never been known for their senses of humor (or “humour” as they say across the pond).
I suppose I should be happy I don’t have to spring for pricey airfare or ask for a cot in Buckingham Palace. I do feel like I got stuck with a great wedding gift I bought for the happy couple. Now I’m either going to have to use it myself, or re-gift it to another marrying couple.
It’s unbelievable how unforgiving some people can be.
Beware what you write on the internets, weisenheimers!In a bold move, the Internet Police have stepped up prosecution of laugh out-loud (LOL) violations.
“We’re going to nip this problem in the old budarooski,” said IP Chief Randy McTaversh. “For far too long we’ve allowed polite smiles, mild chortles, even repressed chuckles to maliciously impersonate LOLs–– and we’re sending a message that this will not stand!”
Violators face serious prosecution including five-inch hot metal spiked driven through eyeballs, Louisville Sluggers ‘going for the fences’ on the kneecaps, repeated viewings of Louie Anderson’s stand-up routines and in extreme cases, beheading accompanied by genial mocking.
“I’m going to watch myself,” said internet fan, Mike Ralstond, “I have high speed hook-up and I wouldn’t want the Internet Police pulling me over for speeding. LOL.”
Visiting hours for Mr. Ralstond are 6-8 pm at Ferguson’s Funeral Home on Mission Street.
I like Ike because although he was a military man, he knew how dangerous the power of profiting from wars could be.
Here’s a swatch from President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s “see you later” speech to the American people. Now it’s 50 years later, and his words are still haunting, especially in light of how they’ve been ignored. Today, we’ve got us a trillion-bucks-a-year big business in defense!
Enjoy this liberal peacenik’s rant. One can only imagine what Ike would have thought of our military industrial complex today.
Linguist, genius, rock star!Charlie Sheen made earth-shattering historic news today announcing that he is seeking trademarks on 22 of his popular catchphrases, including “Duh, winning,” “Tiger blood” and “Rock star from Mars.” But this is only half the story.
Sheen has confided to his inner circle of sycophants and hangers-on that he has a new batch of catchphrases he’ll be unleashing soon, and that once these new phrases take root, he’ll be seeking more trademark protections.
These soon to released catchphrases include: “Spank the orphan,” “Actuary from Venus,” “Sippin’ nectar from a boot,” “Greasing the marsupial,” “Mail the derringer,” “Kip kip chareesha mikalee,” “Cheese, please,” “Nothing but fishnets,” “Territorial commerce kindredship,” “The vampire wore linen,” and “Woooo, snakey wakes!”
Experts say Sheen’s aggressive language mixology could change communications forever.
"Explain this whole time-space continuum thingie again…" I don’t know squat about physics, and trying to explain quantum physics to me is like teaching a donkey to dance a tango, still, I like this new movie Source Code.
I did not understand it completely, but it was an interesting story, well told and very well-acted.
Jake Gyllenhaal has game as the war hero on a very hush hush project to try and prevent terrorist attacks. Vera Farmiga and her vibrant blue eyes try to guide him through the channels of discovery and bending of physics. Michelle Monaghan plays the love interest holding Jake’s hand along the way, and Jeffrey Wright is the brilliant, ambitious project leader.
Can’t go into the plot. Suffice to say there’s action, adventure and explosions, and the premise is one where our hero gets to go back to the same situation again and again with the knowledge he’s gained previously to try and find the terrorist. In this regard, Jake is Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, trying to find his way to redemption.
The story is fresh, keeps you guessing and is engaging. Yes, the effects are somewhat cheesy, but as far as what’s out there now on movie screens, this is one of the better flicks to see, even if you were a C-student at best in science.
I recently flew to Orlando International Airport (MCO) for commercial production in town, and I’m here to tell you these folks got game.
Orlando is the home of Disney World, Universal Theme Park, Sea World and more casual dining chain restaurants than you can shake a stick at (although I seriously doubt an attacking casual restaurant would back down from a shaking stick). Orlando is all about having fun and magic, and the airport security TSA team does not disappoint.
Rather than employ traditional TSA uniforms, the security personnel wear soft character costumes of large bloodhound dogs with floppy ears and three-fingered paws, female muskrats adorned in yellow bonnets and large groundhogs with M-16 rifles. The lovable characters speak in comical, approachable and engaging tones. The fluffy, furry bloodhound says,“Hello, friend, my name is Snoopy Doodles and I want to make your security screening as fun, memorable and magical as possible. Now, I am going to run my paws all over your body, being extra careful not to touch your Satanic naughty parts…”
Snoopy Doodles proceeded to glide his soft paws all over my body as he hummed a happy tune. For added comfort, the paws are heated and vibrate softly. As he gave me the once over, Snoopy Doodles began to sing to me. “Oh, you’re so special
and I deeply care
I need to know
what’s in your underwear
My paws on your body
are to be lightly kissed
for I must make sure
you’re not a terrorist!”
When the security check was finished, Snoopy Doddles and his cohorts Maggie Muskrat and Gary Groundhog began dancing and singing. “He has no explosive residue
he’s not bin Laden’s friend
so we bid him fond adieu
for soon he will ascend!
Next, a troop of mimes pretend to be in boxes, but suddenly become free and explore their spaces as clowns on unicycles ride in a large circle juggling metal detector wands. Everyone (save the mimes) begins to sing in unison: “He’s an American, who’s true blue
he’s not bin Laden’s friend
so we bid him fond adieu
for soon he will ascend!”
A flock of white doves were released, as a marching band escorted me to the train for the terminal. It was quite a production and I have to say a magical experience that I’ll never forget. I even purchased the souvenir security check photo for $21.95 as a keepsake.
Impressive, MCO, very impressive! If you had Carl from Phoenix, the friendliest TSA agent I’ve ever had the pleasure of being felt-up by, I think you’d have a true blockbuster.
