The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

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  • Trump Demands Obama Show His Belly Button

    The greatest president ever? Did you have to even ask?

    Now that the “long version” of President Barack Obama’s birth certificate has been made public, celebrity head o’ hair Donald Trump is demanding new proof of Obama’s citizenship.

    Citizenship in the human race!

    The Donald is now claiming that the President may not be a human being, he may be an alien from another planet!

    “Look,” Trump told reporters while breaking ripe cantelopes with a polo mallet, “I’m an incredibly successful, charismatic natural born leader. Certainly the most intelligent human ever conceived. People want me to be President. I get that– they’d be nuts not to want me. Now Obama, he’s the leader of the free world–– why won’t he go on air and bare his belly for all the world to see that he was born of woman. I mean, come on, what’s he trying to hide? His showing his belly button would give some proof that he’s not an alien sent here to destroy civilization and eat our children, kill our seniors and bankrupt our society. What’s he trying to hide, anyway? Mr. President, just lift your shirt, bare the button and be done with it.”

    “I’d make a great President,” Trump said. “The best ever. Lincoln’d be crap compared to me.”

  • Say “Yes!” To Kate’s Wedding Dress

    It's a stunner, she is; the bride will stride in pride!
    Along with the rest of the world’s media, reporters from The Lint Screen have been swarming the streets of London looking for scoop on the upcoming matrimony of Prince William to Kate The Commoner, and we’ve unearthed a scoop that would give Ben & Jerry a hernia.

    We have an exclusive sneak peek at Kate’s wedding dress!!!!

    Oh, she’s a beaut, she is– all pretty in pink with a bell shape to make Kate’s legs ring-a-ling-a-ding down the aisle of Westminster Abbey. This breathtaking gown has lacy accents and enough class to fill both Oxford and Cambridge!

    We suspect William’s knees will turn to soft toffee pudding when he catches a good gander at his mate all pretty in pink, ready for a dance and a drink. Terrence Ogden Nigel Cuppenstunce, a noted British fashion designer, says the dress is surprising in a number of ways.

    “Kate eschewed the boring canvas of white or off-white in favor of some vibrancy and life. I love the poofy scoopage around her neck, and the long satin gloves add a certain swankiness that is, how you say– beautitific! Oh, this is a dress for the ages and I am quite literally breathless in anticipation.” With that, the elderly designer collapsed to the ground clutching his chest and gasping for sweet life.

    William, you’re one lucky dog!

  • Royal Snubbing

    I got the perfect wedding gift, but no one to give it to!
    Amazingly, I was not invited to the wedding of young Prince William to Commoner Kate.

    Apparently Queenie-poo will never forgive me for “the macaroni salad incident” that happened when I met the Queen Mum in 2004. It was a joke, but let’s face it– The Royals have never been known for their senses of humor (or “humour” as they say across the pond).

    I suppose I should be happy I don’t have to spring for pricey airfare or ask for a cot in Buckingham Palace. I do feel like I got stuck with a great wedding gift I bought for the happy couple. Now I’m either going to have to use it myself, or re-gift it to another marrying couple.

    It’s unbelievable how unforgiving some people can be.

  • Internet Police Bust LOL Infractions

    Beware what you write on the internets, weisenheimers!
    In a bold move, the Internet Police have stepped up prosecution of laugh out-loud (LOL) violations.

    “We’re going to nip this problem in the old budarooski,” said IP Chief Randy McTaversh. “For far too long we’ve allowed polite smiles, mild chortles, even repressed chuckles to maliciously impersonate LOLs–– and we’re sending a message that this will not stand!”

    Violators face serious prosecution including five-inch hot metal spiked driven through eyeballs, Louisville Sluggers ‘going for the fences’ on the kneecaps, repeated viewings of Louie Anderson’s stand-up routines and in extreme cases, beheading accompanied by genial mocking.

    “I’m going to watch myself,” said internet fan, Mike Ralstond, “I have high speed hook-up and I wouldn’t want the Internet Police pulling me over for speeding. LOL.”

    Visiting hours for Mr. Ralstond are 6-8 pm at Ferguson’s Funeral Home on Mission Street.

  • Ike Warned Us

    I like Ike because although he was a military man, he knew how dangerous the power of profiting from wars could be.

    Here’s a swatch from President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s “see you later” speech to the American people. Now it’s 50 years later, and his words are still haunting, especially in light of how they’ve been ignored. Today, we’ve got us a trillion-bucks-a-year big business in defense!

    Enjoy this liberal peacenik’s rant. One can only imagine what Ike would have thought of our military industrial complex today.

  • Sheen To Unleash New Catchphrases

    Linguist, genius, rock star!
    Charlie Sheen made earth-shattering historic news today announcing that he is seeking trademarks on 22 of his popular catchphrases, including “Duh, winning,” “Tiger blood” and “Rock star from Mars.” But this is only half the story.

    Sheen has confided to his inner circle of sycophants and hangers-on that he has a new batch of catchphrases he’ll be unleashing soon, and that once these new phrases take root, he’ll be seeking more trademark protections.

    These soon to released catchphrases include: “Spank the orphan,” “Actuary from Venus,” “Sippin’ nectar from a boot,” “Greasing the marsupial,” “Mail the derringer,” “Kip kip chareesha mikalee,” “Cheese, please,” “Nothing but fishnets,” “Territorial commerce kindredship,” “The vampire wore linen,” and “Woooo, snakey wakes!”

    Experts say Sheen’s aggressive language mixology could change communications forever.

    Whee skinny laptadoo!”

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