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  • “Paul”: Disappointment From Outer Space

    Send help immediately! Beam down some laughs and entertainment!!! We’re dying down here!
    I like to think of going to a movie in a darkened theater to be like occupying a spacecraft. The audience is your fellow crew members and the screen is our window to a brave new world.

    I avoid really crowded theaters since some crew members don’t know how to act. I love theaters where the crew is small because these private screenings give the best of all worlds: a huge screen, comfy chair and precious little chance for any distractions.

    I’ve just returned from a mission where there were only three crew members and our window to a new world was the largest screen at a 24-plex. I’m sorry to report the mission was an abject failure–– a steaming pile called Paul. If you’ve even contemplated going, save your money or put it through a shredder; you’ll have a more entertaining time.

    Paul is an alien tale, an adult E.T. with a potty mouth who smokes, drinks and likes his doobies. He’s voiced by Seth Rogan.

    While the effects of Paul speaking and moving are great, what he is saying and doing is dumb and crude. This film was written by and stars Brits Simon Pegg and Nick Frost as nerds from the U.K. exploring Comic Con and all the places of alien lore in the American west. This film wastes the considerable talents of Jason Bateman, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Jane Lynch, Jeffrey Tambor, Sigourney Weaver and Blythe Danner playing the youngest looking 70-year old ever filmed. With all the effects of this movie, you think they could have aged her a little bit.

    I suppose if one were drunk enough or high enough you could mine for laughs in the f-bombs, crotch kicks and women slugging men in the face. And if you did find yourself laughing, this would be a good indication that you’ve hit bottom and it’s time to seek professional help and twelve steps out of the cellar.

    In short, this movie could not end quickly enough for my tastes. Yet, I see on IMDb this sucker got 7.5 stars out of 10. Well, you decide, but don’t say I didn’t warn you…

  • PHX Brings The Friendly

    You're not going to believe how friendly PHX is!
    Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport bills itself as “America’s Friendliest Airport”, and while a cynical adman like myself usually takes self-proclaimed titles like this with a grain of salt, my recent trip through the place showed me that it’s no idle boast.

    Inside my body are two titanium hip devices that make airport security scanners go all kinds of cattywonkers. Because of my metallic enhancements, I must always submit to a manual screening by a TSA agent. Usually, these are impersonal affairs with a routine body patting performed by curious and suspicious hands in latex gloves. Not so at America’s Friendliest Airport!

    Here, my TSA agent was deeply concerned about my comfort. To put me in the mood for my personal examination, he lighted some patchouli and sandlewood incense. “The aroma is divine,” he said as he slipped on some soft brown kid leather gloves. “I want to put you at ease and make this special, even memorable!”

    Next, he said he wanted to select some smooth music to calm my jangled nerves. He played some mellow Barry White on his Bose iPod SoundDock as he dimmed the lights. “It’s all about letting your senses chill. I want you to be present, yes, but relaxed,” he said. “I want you to enjoy our time together.”

    He proceeded to give me a pat down that was attentive, caring and respectful. He ran the test on his gloves to ensure that I was not carrying explosives (I was not), and he hugged me after the tests came back negative. He said, “I knew you weren’t a terrorist. I didn’t pick up any anger issue vibes.” Then he offered to share some delicious ice cream with me to talk about my hip replacements and how I felt about having them. “I want you to share your feelings,” he said, “it must be awful to always feel you’re in a vulnerable place. You can talk with me all about it.”

    Finally, to soothe me, he gave me a ride on his shoulders parading me throughout the airport. “Look how tall you are?!’ he said, “why, you could play professional basketball, oh yes you could!” We both laughed, he gave me a firm man hug and we parted ways. He was little teary eyed. He’d given me a security check that I’d never forget; one I’d always treasure.

    America’s Friendliest Airport knows how to make one feel welcomed. I suggest you divert any future flights through PHX to enjoy their unique brand of hospitality.

  • 7 Things You Didn’t Know About St. Patrick

    "Get on outta here, you snakes!"
    Before you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, you might want to know a few interesting things about the great man of the Emerald Isle. Prepare to have your mind blown by these lucky seven factoidish thingies.

    1. St. Patrick never drank green beer
    2. Although he wasn’t even Irish, St. Patrick wore a large button that read “Kiss Me I’m Irish”
    3. St. Patrick wrote two hit songs, “’Tis 99 Bottles o’ Beer on The Wall” and “In Heaven There ‘tis No Beer, Ergo We Drink It Here”
    4. On the first St. Patrick’s Day celebrated in Ireland, St. Patrick had the Irish Sea dyed vivid green then invented the game of beer pong
    5. St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland and many centuries later, these same snakes were discovered on a plane by Samuel L. Jackson
    6. Contrary to popular belief, St. Patrick never danced in a production of “Riverdance”
    7. St. Patrick hated the scent of Irish Spring soap, feared leprechauns with their trickster ways and ironically was not a huge fan of parades, parties or crowded pubs– but you go and enjoy yourselves anyway.

  • Kim Jong Il Weds Vegetable

    The Glorious Leader takes a bride, and it is the best thing that has ever occurred on Planet Earth!
    In a surprising development, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has married a vegetable in a formal state ceremony. The country’s population has been ordered to celebrate joyously.

    In a formal press release issued this morning, it was reported “The Supreme Leader has taken a bride of the utmost virtue and honor. The Father Supreme will now be Groom Generalissimo to a coveted creature who is the center and sole focus of his superbly excellent love and devotion. Our Benevolent Lord will be the most perfect husband ever to this adoring bride, and as an offering to her greatness, he has pledged to never cook her in a pot of boiling water. Truly, no man has ever loved as our Master loves!”

    A cynical state department official said that the move by Kim Jong Il is “a desperate attempt to grab some limelight away from Moammar Gadhafi and Charlie Sheen. The North Korean leader is deadly afraid of not being the craziest person on the planet. This vegetable stunt should get him back in the race.”

    Neither Gadhafi or Sheen could be reached for comment.

  • Farmville Slaughter Suspect Released

    Innocent– for now!
    The suspect taken into custody by Farmville authorities on Friday was released this morning.

    In a prepared statement, Farmville Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton said “The suspect hired a shiny-suited attorney who made the case for an alleged airtight alibi. I wasn’t buying it, but apparently the gullible judge was so stupid, he took the bait. Now the jailbird flies free!”

    The alibi is that the suspect, Randy McNurty, lives in Second Life and has been involved with a performance art project whereby he is observed by others as he goes through the routine and drudgery of his second life. McNurty’s project has been surprisingly popular with thousands of avatars viewing his ‘life performance’ regularly on TV and are willing to vouch for the fact that the performance artist has not been in Farmville in the past year, when medical examiners determined the mass killing of 246 people took place. The horrendous gravesite was discovered in Farmville on March 3rd.

    McNurty was quickly shuttled from the jail into a waiting limousine. His face was bleeding and severely bruised. Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton said McNurty was probably clumsy and must have slipped and fell repeatedly during his stay at the Farmville crossbar hotel. The Chief was asked if authorities had any new leads or suspects in the case. “Yes,” he said gruffly, “anybody and everybody!” He walked away briskly discharging his gun into the air.

    One happy byproduct of the tragedy is that the gravesite soil is rich in nutrients thanks to the decomposition of Farmville characters. Residents say the mass gravesite will be fertile ground for any crops and thus prime real estate for the upcoming planting season.

  • Suspect Nabbed in Farmville Case

    Did evil lurk along this hallway? Authorities wonder.
    The Lint Screen has learned that authorities have apprehended a suspect in the gruesome killings of 246 people in the quiet social gaming community of Farmville.

    The unnamed suspect had been staying at a Deep Discounter Inn in the nearby town of Shadyville. In an early morning raid Friday, the suspect was taken into custody after having been given a thorough police beating and a good talking-to.

    Farmville Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton refused commenting on the case against the suspect except to say that “he could take a punch” and “he seems pretty guilty to me.”

    “The no goodnik has lawyered-up, which means he’s probably guilty as sin,” said Chief Weatherton as he iced-down his fists. “We think we’ve definitely got our man. We can’t be spending all our time looking for a killer. We want to shut this case as quickly as we can and get back to farming and earning farm coins. This is an open and shut case as far as I’m concerned. If we have to slap the scales of justice upside his head to get a confession, we will.”

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