BP’s on top of the world!Now that it looks like the BP Deepwater Horizon leak may finally be capped after 85 days, BP executives are crowing about their brilliance.
“We’re number one!” bragged one executive proudly as he wagged his index finger into this reporter’s face. “We kicked this leak’s butt from here to kingdom come, and you want to know why? I’ll tell you why, you pathetic ink-monkey– because we’re the best there ever was!”
“You can’t keep BP down,” said another executive, we’re always going to rise to the surface like some viscous liquid. It’s just in our DNA.”
“Now that we’ve fixed that little snafu,” said another BP bigwig, “we can get on to rolling the dice and finding some more bubblin’ crude– oil that is, black gold, Texas tea!”
“I’ll tell you one thing,” said an agitated executive, “I’m sick and tired of the media and politicians making us out to the heavies here. It’s not like we put the oil in the ground. Hell’s bells, all we do is take it out of the ground and put it in people’s tanks. We don’t ask for much in return, just some record profits and a little gratitude. Now get out the way, there’s some Macallan Scotch and Montecristos calling my name!”
The Lint Screen staff gets scooped like Baskin Robbins! Ouch. The headlines recently blasted the news that free agent LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers (‘King James’ to his mother and friends) had decided to go to the Miami Heat. It was big news, but not quite as big as the news that the esteemed benchmark for journalistic integrity, The Lint Screen, had gotten the story wrong.
We reported that LeBron was not going pro, but was going back to high school— to play at Ursuline High, a Catholic school in Youngstown, Ohio. We had this juicy tidbit on very good authority: an inside source and trusted member of LeBron’s inner circle, someone who personally knew the cousin of a guy who has a brother-in-law who knows a guy who lives next door to the apartment of the guy who delivers pizzas to LeBron’s house when the big man’s having parties. As sources go, this ironclad source was platinum.
Alas, it was not and the entire staff of The Lint Screen apologizes to anyone who may have been hurt by our inaccurate reporting, especially those who had bet big in Vegas on Ursuline going unbeaten in its 2010-2011 season. Sorry, we won’t let boners like this ever happen again! But we did just hear LeBron may be starting QB for the Dolphins. More on this later, if it pans out…
LeBron to lift spirits of new fans! As the world waits on his big decision, The Lint Screen has learned basketball megastar LeBron James will announce his decision tonight to forego the offers from pro teams in favor of Ursuline High School in Youngstown, Ohio.
If true, this could shake the entire foundation of civilization as we know it, or certainly, the progression of athletes through school systems to professional franchises.
“LeBron knows he can play absolutely anywhere,” said the unnamed source close to him, “but his favorite time playing ball was with St. Vincent–St. Mary High School in Akron. He wants to go back to go forward again. And Ursuline High came through with a package that is going to be hard for anyone else to beat. I mean, it’s sugar-with-honey-and-artificial-sweetener good! Yamma yamma zowee!”
Officials at Ursuline did not return phone calls, so this rumor must be true. Tune in to ESPN tonight and let’s find out! Soon, Ursuline fans may be riding higher than LeBron.
BP is getting tired of being the scapegoat for the Deepwater Horizon oil spill that is still dumping millions of gallons of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico, and the company is now taking a more Zen approach to its public relations.
“Look, we’ve tried the old ‘apologetic, contrition, guilt’ and ‘we’re here for you’ approach,” said a company insider who demanded anonymity, “but we’re still taking it on the chin, public relations-wise. So now we’re just asking people to take a chill pill and relax. I mean, come on, Doris Day said it best– que sera sera. Which means, ‘whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que sera sera.’ There’s a ton of wisdom in those song lyrics, and that perky blonde may have been one of our greatest philosophers in troubling times like these.”A great philosopher?
BP is even thinking that it may be a useless effort to continue operations to try and stop the leaking. “Nothing seems to be working,” said the insider, “and everything we do only exasperates our bad P.R. So, fine. Maybe we should just sit back and let some Einstein come up with a solution. I’m not saying we will, but we’re getting pretty sick and tired of the beating we’re getting in the press. Now there’s hurricanes brewing– hey, is anyone blaming Mother Nature? No. No, it’s all evil BP’s fault. I, for one, am sick of fighting a losing battle,” said the irate man in his $4,000 tailored suit and $1,500 shoes, “we just can’t win here! He pivoted quickly and walked away, disgusted, perhaps in search of a ‘chill pill’ to ease his frustration.
General McCrystal was not as tight-lipped as he appeared to be.
In the aftermath of his Rolling Stone interview in which General Stanley McChrystal said many critical things about his Commander in Chief and others, then wrote a letter of resignation that was accepted by President Obama, a new batch of quotes have surfaced. Printed here in a Lint Screen exclusive are some of the other inflammatory quotes said by the former commander of US forces in Afghanistan.
“Most Taliban have God-awful breath. I always try to feed them some Altoids.”
“I don’t really like coconut, and anyone who does should be shot.”
“Don’t even get me going on bagpipes…”
“Coke versus Pepsi? No contest– Coke! Obama probably likes Pepsi! Unbelievable, this guy.”
“Roman numerals suck!”
“Afghanistan will never be a popular tourist attraction. There’s too many bullets in the air.”
“Song for song, I think The Monkees were better than The Beatles.”
“Obama would never have the guts to fire me. He’s afraid of me– Biden, too.”
“I think Sweet’N Low is too sweet. Always have.”
“Hush Puppy shoes? Yeah, they’re ugly, but comfortable for sure.”
“bin Laden has no sense of style. He looks like he’s dressed out of the rag bag.”
“The Detroit Lions are better than people think. Take it to the bank.”
“Favorite music? Barbershop quartet!”
“I likes me some whiskey and Fritos for unwind time.”
“I could beat David Petraeus in an arm wrestling match, bet on it!”
“Nancy Pelosi is kind of hot. Especially in red. So’s that Sarah Palan– meow!”
“The scent of Old Spice nauseates me. More of a Brut 33 guy myself.”
“Justin Bieber’s a cute kid, nice voice and all, but I don’t dig his music all that much.”
“This is all off the record, right?”
When I recently posted a picture of the world’s most valuable baseball that I had recently secured in a bidding war on the interweb thingy, and gave details behind some of the the autographs, I received a deluge of calls, e-mails, registered letters and personal appearances from rabid fans seeking to curry favor.
All were passionate pleas to see the ball, buy the ball—even touch the ball, which is like asking to touch the Mona Lisa to see if the paint’s dried! Preposterous. All offers were denied, with a ready supply of scorn and snide commentary.
Still, to appease the masses, I will give you another glimpse of some of the other luminaries who have inscribed this priceless relic.Click pic for closer view of baseball history!
Frank Zappa signed the ball in 1984 following a game in which he played centerfield for the San Francisco Giants. Zappa played the entire game on stilts, robbing batters of six home runs. He also stole four bases, Amazingly, the stilts had no cleats.
Ed Asner, the man who brought “Lou Grant” to fleshy dyspeptic life, signed the ball twice. The first, after umpiring a 1978 game between the Pittsburgh Pirates and Philadelphia Phillies, a game that is the only one in recorded history that ended in a tie, 0-0, after one inning of play. “Both teams played so well,” Asner said, “it seemed a shame that one had to lose.” So, he used his unlimited umpire powers to call the game (apparently Asner was a much softer touch than his Lou Grant character). The second autograph followed a 1981 appearance as a pitcher for the Minnesota Twins against the Cleveland Indians. He hurled a perfect game and ate 56 hot dogs with kraut in nine minutes and washed them down with 19 beers, a major league record.
Lady GaGa. The recording sensation played shortstop for the New York Mets in a game against the Atlanta Braves in 2009. She played flawlessly, turning six double players and throwing out five runners. Unfortunately, she was only one for five at the plate. “I probably could have gotten more wood on the ball,” she said after the game, “if I didn’t have this parrot sewn onto my uniform. Or these traffic pylons stitched on the front of my uniform. Oh, well, what are you going to do– got to look good, right?”
James Joyce penned the ball after playing third base for the Cincinnati Reds in 1911. The legendary Irish scribe had an unassisted triple play, hit for the cycle and wrote a novella in the dugout waiting his turn at bat. “I like baseball,” he told reporters following his impressive game, “but I like writing me tales perhaps a wee bit more.” With that, he spat his chaw, grabbed his typewriter and never cast a shadow in a ballpark again.
Tony Bennett, the legendary Italian crooner, autographed the ball following his incredible performance singing the national anthem before the 1988 World Series game #3 between the Oakland Athletics and the Los Angeles Dodgers. Bennett held the final note of the song for an incredible 16 minutes 42 seconds while juggling five baseballs and spinning a flaming hula hoop around his hips. Many believe this record may never be beaten.
Charo (A.K.A. María Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina Gutiérrez de los Perales Santa Ana Romanguera y de la Hinojosa Rasten). The “cuchi-cuchi” queen played right field for the San Diego Padres against the Montreal Expos on June 28, 1978. The game stands in the record books as being the only game ever played by a player in high heels, and one of two games in which a player sported a sequin dress instead of the official team uniform (trivia experts are challenged to name the other). Charo made many amazing plays and threw out three players at home plate with her incredible canon of a right arm. As a batter, she walked, hit two singles, a triple and laid down a perfect sacrifice bunt.
Garth Brooks. The country superstar appeared as a Seattle Mariner in a 1995 game against the Detroit Tigers. In his first at bat, he was beaned, knocking his cowboy hat off his head. Brooks was awarded his base along with two Grammies and five CMA statuettes. He later collapsed.
Al Capone signed the baseball in 1926 following his appearance with the Chicago Cubs. He was a pinch hitter who batted appeared with the bases loaded. Capone stood in the batter’s box and gunned-down the pitcher with a Thompson submachine gun. He then waved the runners home and trotted around the bases as stunned fans and players watched. This is the only grand slam ever recorded where the bat did not touch the ball.
Julia Child inked the ball following her 1965 appearance as a Washington Senator. She was used as a pinch hitter in a game against the Cleveland Indians. Ms. Child was hit by a pitch, awarded her base and proceeded to steal second, third, and home plate scoring the winning run. “I couldn’t be happier,” she said in her sing-song voice after the game, “although I have a knot on my head the size of a pheasant egg. My goodness, that smarts like the dickens! I need four fingers of bourbon and a fistful of bennies to set me straight again.”
Ol’ “Hawkeye” Pierce, Mr. Alan Alda, signed the baseball following his appearance in a 1976 game in which he was a pinch runner for the Boston Red Sox in a tied game. Alda stole second base but felt guilty about it. Showing incredible empathy and compassion for the opposing team, the Chicago White Sox, he returned to first base. It is the only known incidence of a stolen base being returned. The Red Sox lost the game in extra innings. Mr. Alda has not been terribly popular in Boston since.
Secretariat, one of the world’s most beloved thoroughbred racehorses, was a pinch hitter for the St. Louis Cardinals in a game against the Houston Astros. Unfortunately, the Triple Crown winner had a poor showing, being called out on strikes. Many fans questioned the move by manager Red Schoendienst, thinking a horse with such great speed would have been better utilized as a pinch runner instead of a hitter. The Cards skipper said the move was “totally unexpected” and “brilliant” and that “had it paid off, the stupid fans would keep their idiotic yaps shut like they oughta.” As for Secretariat, he kicked dirt on the umpire following the called third strike and trotted off the field proudly leaving a trail of momentos.
Kim Novak, the “Vertigo” starlet, made big news when she appeared as the center fielder for the Kansas City Athletics in a game against the Baltimore Orioles. The batting beauty struck out in all four at bats and committed eighteen errors in the field, a record that still stands. “I guess baseball’s not my game,” she said afterward in a locker room interview. Her teammates consoled her and told her not to worry about it. They said she’d feel a lot better after a long, hot shower. A very long shower. And that’s what makes baseball great–– teammates who care!
