BP announced today plans to release new BP Fish Sticks in grocery stores. The move, viewed as putting into the practice the saying “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade” has many environmental groups furious.
“It’s absolutely unconscionable for BP to do this,” said Roger Pretpopp, head of the Gulf Coast Environmental Protection League. “The company should have all its efforts focused on the clean-up of its massive oil spill, not product diversification.”
Terrance Fawdalraw, VP of Communications at BP disagrees. “We are doing everything in our power to clean up the unfortunate Deepwater Horizon oil spill, the result of a burst of anger from Mother Nature and not negligence on the company’s part. It is simply coincidental that our product development people discovered a revolutionary way to pre-oil fish so they bake up crispy, flaky and delicious in your oven in minutes.”
When asked if these fish sticks were made from fish that suffered as a result of the spill, Mr. Fawdalraw began patting perspiration from his brow with a monogrammed silk handkerchief. “Of course not,” said the company spokesperson, “that would be opportunistic and somewhat evil. I will say, however, that new BP Fish Sticks offer premium performance and improved mileage in all makes and models. Hence our slogan: New BP Fish Sticks, good in your tank, or your car’s tank!”
A proposal for a more civilized feeding time for bankers.As evil self-serving politicians go on a witch hunt against Goldman Sachs and other Wall Street financial types, I’ve become worried.
What if the dastardly politicos enact regulations that might curb the free marketeers from earning their paltry hundreds of millions of dollars annually?
What if there are no longer billions of bucks for bonuses, paid for by taxpayers, for losing on aggressive bets made?
What if financial lobbyists don’t enjoy unlimited budgets to grease politicians and assist in writing laws ensuring future riches?
In other words, what if stupid laws cap the opportunities for gambling, greed and gouging the little people who don’t even understand how banks make money?
After many sleepless nights, I have come to a simple solution: cut out the middlemen.
Rather than the outdated system we currently have– bankers hiring lobbyists to get politicians in the pocket and help write laws that enable financial fatcats to gamble and win big, or get paid-off by taxpayers if they lose– let’s just cut out the lobbyists and politicians and simply have taxpayers pay Wall Streeters directly.
The market would be much more efficient if we taxpayers simply tithed 5-8% of our income to our banking overlords from the get-go. Why should they have the inconvenience of waiting for our income to be taxed, then passed their way?
With my bold new proposal, these pinstripers wouldn’t even need to trump-up risky gambles or cockamamie financial instruments. They wouldn’t have to hurt their ivy league brains conjuring schemes to screw people– we’d just fork over the dough up front and acknowledge our woeful ignorance. Then the civilized cufflinked crowd could get back to more important matters, like buying estates on the Hamptons or dandruff control.
Why must we continue these pointless charades in Washington? Help save the bankers– write your congressional servants and let’s cut to the chase.
There is a delicious dessert enjoyed while driving on I-85 through South Carolina: The Glorious Gaffney Peach.
This magnificent structure stands as a testament to humanity’s ability to think boldly and imaginatively for the enrichment of all. A water tower as a piece of fruit? Yes, it can be done– no wonder we’re top of the food chain, baby!
Gaffney bills itself as the peach capital of the world, and while I don’t know if that’s true, I do know they have one of the greatest roadside attractions in America. Have a favorite roadside attraction? Please share, tightlips.
For now, come enjoy a drive by on I-85 South past the Glorious Gaffney Peach, a sight that brings tears of joy to my eyes.
After 40 years, two landmarks will be dismantled. A county mourns as petty neighbors celebrate.Travelers on I-85 north of Atlanta (by the Jimmy Carter Boulevard exit), have been treated to the Great Gwinnett Twin Towers for over three decades. These glorious water towers serve as a beacon to the universe with their simple declarative statements: “GWINNETT IS GREAT” and “SUCCESS LIVES HERE.” Well, water tower fans, scuttlebutt has it that soon the towers are coming down. As a proud resident (a Gwinnetian) I am saddened at the thought.
Driving is boring. Most billboards are ugly and suck. Mother Nature can get repetitive on a long drive (she’s prettty stingy with her Grand Canyons, Niagra Falls, Badlands or Big Surs). Thus, roadside attractions like water towers with pithy thought-proving messages are greatly appreciated. Think about this philosophical question––is Gwinnett great because Success lives here, or does Success live here because Gwinnett is great? Those are two distinct perspectives are worthy of serious brain wrestling. Yet, soon these majestic towers will soon be gone.
Many in neighboring counties think our towers are boastful. These envious people are happy to see these cherished monuments become memories, but I beg to differ. Gwinnett is great, but that doesn’t diminish our county cousins. I mean, look–– Fulton is fine, DeKalb is decent, Cobb is common, Barrow is bewildering, Hall is helpful, Walton is wistful, Forsyth is funky and Cherokee is cheery.
Now, imagine for a moment you are Success— where would you live?
Gwinnett. Where water towers always speak truth, Gwinnetians are masters of the universe and Success can be seen mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters or washing the car on Saturdays.
Fair thee well, wise water towers. I shall spout waterworks for you long after you’ve gone.
Run the red light at your own peril, lead-foot…. this monkey means business! Some cities are placing cameras on light poles and snapping pictures of cars running red lights to issue citations by mail. Then some cities are playing for keeps.
Austin, Texas is employing trained monkeys to ‘man’ light poles for keeping law-breaking drivers in line. If a motorist runs a red light, the monkey leaps onto the car and scrambles its way inside the vehicle to gouge the driver’s eyes out and spray the interior with urine.
“Some people think this watch-monkey program is a bit extreme,” said Officer Terry Inklurd, “but if people just obey the traffic signals, there won’t be any issues. You’ll be able to keep your vision and not have your car smell like monkey pee–– which has an awful stench. Not even those pine tree air fresheners can mask monkey musk.”
NBC is rumored to be developing a new series called “Law & Order: Traffic Monkey Division.”
It’s looking like strike eight in the love department for Larry King. Rumors have surfaced that the 76-year old gab show host and his 50-year old bride, singer Shawn Southwick, are soon to be divorcing, making it Larry’s eighth failed marriage to seven women. Why is the couple breaking up? Allegedly, Larry was getting all Tiger Woodsy with his sister-in-law, Shannon Engemann, while wifey-poo may have been rounding the bases with their son’s little league coach. Yow!Old dog learns new tricks, wife to wave bye-bye in car-car.In a Lint Screen exclusive, we reveal the searing confrontation that took place in the King household on April 15th when Larry sat waiting at the kitchen table as wife Shawn entered the house from the garage.
LK: Shawn, welcome, it’s great to see you. Come have a seat, let’s talk.
SS: Larry, is my sister here?
LK: No, no she isn’t. Why do you ask, babycakes?
SS: I smell that whorish French perfume she always wears. You’re not wearing it, are you?
LK: Of course not, sugarlips. Let’s talk about your day, snoogums. If you could describe your day in one word, would it be ‘magnificent’ or ‘wondrously fabulous.’
SS: Larry, why’s there lipstick on your forehead and neck?
LK: Remarkable your powers of perception, love-dove. I swear, you could be a C.S.I. agent with your observational skills. Let me just say here and now, that you are, without a doubt, the most incredibly beautiful woman on planet Earth. In fact, you make all other women look like garbage. They’re festering, stinking trash, compared to you. They are not worthy to be in the same gender with one as beautifully captivating as you, buttercup, and…
SS: Larry, what’s that on your arm?
LK: My arm?
SS: Yes– look, that!
LK: I shouldn’t be showing so much flesh. Between the sexy suspenders and my alluring flesh, I could be accused of babe-baiting. Let me roll down this shirt cuff. The shirt’s a Geoffrey Beene wrinkle free pinpoint, which is 60% cotton for comfort and 40% Polyester for easy care. There’s no better value for quality…
SS: Oh no you don’t– you’re not coving that up. Roll the sleeve up so I can see…
LK: What is it about the words ‘shirt sleeves’ that’s so fun to say? Have two words ever been made more for each other: shirt, sleeve— it’s like a poem. I love them!
SS: Give me your arm– aha! Just as I suspected, it’s a tattoo.
LK: Is it just me or is everyone getting ink these days?
SS: You have a tattoo that says “I heart sleeping with Shannon.” Larry, are you having an affair with my sister?
LK: For my money, there is no jealousy quite like sibling rivalry. It drives siblings crazy…
SS: You are, aren’t you?! You’re sleeping with Shannon! You smell like her, you’re wearing her lipstick and you have a tattoo with her name.
LK: In my opinion, the concept of ‘innocent until proven guilty’ is the backbone of our democracy and it’s what makes America great, and the country I’m proud to call home.
SS: Unbelievable. Larry, how could you?
LK: Well, look at the time. I’m afraid this day is done and I’d like to thank you for spending some time with me. I hope you’ll join me again tomorrow when my guest will be…
BP announced today plans to release new BP Fish Sticks in grocery stores. The move, viewed as putting into the practice the saying “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade” has many environmental groups furious.
