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  • Lint Turns 100

    Everyone’s sharing the good word of The Lint Screen. It’s the fun thing to do!
    Yesterday, The Lint Screen received its 100,000th hit.

    In 22 months, over 100,000 people (or roaming spam-spewing computers) have come by and collected Lint. Four months ago, I started using ClustrMaps (on the home page) to track the countries of origin for hits. To date, 134 different countries have found their way here. Hello, Ethiopia, Isle of Man, Mauritius, Singapore, Poland, Chile, Australia, Pakistan and 126 others– glad to have you!

    100,000 hits pretty much ensures that The Lint Screen is possibly the planet’s most popular website with the words “Lint”, “Screen” and “The” in its title.

    It couldn’t have happened without you, dear reader. Thanks for your grazing eyeballs.

    Here are a few observations after 195 posts.

    1. Satire is an alien concept to many. Much of what I’ve written is satire. It’s sarcastic, ironic, silly smartass stuff that lampoons many of the follies of people in our modern times. But, I’m sad to say, many people have no satirical sense of humor. Too many take everything at face value. It’s a reflection of our times, I’m afraid, when The National Enquirer (which was up for a Pulitzer Prize) and The Daily Show With Jon Stewart do a better job of reporting the news than alleged news outlets do. Unfortunately, traditional media is so riddled with biased points of view and spoon-fed talking points, the masses are lulled into complacency and a diet of information that furnishes the mental attic of their comfortable preconceived beliefs. They take the perspective that if it’s in the media it must be true. No, sometimes there is intentional satire, not reality. Many times I strive for a skewed view that may bring focus to the ridiculousness of a situation. Things are not just black or white, not just politically left or right. Sometimes exposing the extremes shows we need to keep our eyes and minds open. Keep collecting Lint, we’ll work it out and maybe have some laughs along the way.

    2. It’s more fun when others play. Writing is a lonely profession. There’s you, the voice in your head and your fingers trying to keep up with its dictation. When you publish something, you’re pitching words into the void. Feedback is always appreciated at The Lint Screen. It doesn’t matter if it’s praise or criticism (although praise tends to go over better in the writer’s room), commentary makes the blogging process a dialogue, and dialogue is always good. Come, talk, share, play, enjoy.

    3. Arianna Huffington hates me. I have been banned from commenting on The Huffington Post. Why? Because I often pimp some Lint piece that’s relevant to the story HuffPost is publishing. Some sites don’t allow this, some do. The Huffington Post used to allow me to pimp, but now Arianna and her goon squad are giving me the high-hat. Ironically, I learned this technique for pimping my blog from reading The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging. Arianna, make nice and let’s build some fences between Lint and Huff.

    4. Don’t make fun of Susan Boyle and expect to get away with it. One of the most controversial specks of Lint was one I did when the Susan Boyle story first caught fire. I thought it was funny, many did not. Read the comments for a great time.

    5. Wisdom works, too. Sometimes I’ll write something that isn’t entertainment or about monkeys or blacksmithing squirrels. It is something flecked with pearls of wisdom about things like job hunting, freelancing, the great Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in The World campaign, the legend of The Swedish Bikini Team for Old Milwaukee or my 19-part series on hip replacements (read them sequentially to enjoy a ride through surgery and recovery– my pain equals your reading pleasure). These things get good commentary and pass around. That warms me like my hand in a bucket of warm water at night.

    6. Random is hard. From its inception, The Lint Screen was designed to be random in subject matter. This is a recipe for failure in the blogging world. Experts say that one should position oneself as an expert on a subject and use your blog as the bully pulpit to pontificate and build your empire. It sounded boring to me. So, Lint is intentionally random. The hope was people might like the voice and come back to hear it from time to time. It seems to be working– you’re here and maybe you’ll tell some friends and family about it. Sharing Lint is greatly appreciated. It’s the only way The Lint Screen will spread to all nations.

    Thanks for reading and please dive deeper into the archives for interesting Lints you may have missed. Oh, and if you’re a CMO with an ad budget of $100 million (more, or less), please call on Ames Scullin O’Haire. We’ll be happy to help.

  • Citizens Angry Over Census

    The angry protestors across America are being counted in their vocal protest of the U.S. Census that is underway nationwide.

    Count ’em– two barrels!
    “I don’t see no reason no government needs to know nothing about me and my family,” said a visibly agitated E. Granger Bycross of Alamo, Georgia. “Taint none of their business how many kittens I got in my litter. They come to my house to cipher, I’ll let ’em count two– double barrels of buckshot!”
    Count on Chester Wheelie to not be counted by U.S. Census.

    Chester Wheelie of Keene, New Hampshire, is also one angry American. “We answer that census, next thing you know the federal government will be sending radio waves to infect our brains making us gover-zombies, begging to pay more taxes, have more socialist entitlement programs and requesting Fluoride in our drinking water. I ain’t falling for it! You can tell the government to keep their greedy hands off my Social Security and Medicare checks, what’s mine is mine. End of discussion.”

    Helen Wilmunk of Ainsworth, South Dakota refuses to complete her census form because she thinks many of the questions are too difficult to answer.

    “They want to know how many people we got living here. Well, there’s me and Darrel, and the kids, Stinky, Bubba and Weasel– but we also got six dogs and three cats who are like kin to us, and sometimes those dogs sleep outside. Now how we supposed to answer that trick question? It’s like those math books in school asking about two trains leaving Chicago going different speeds and we’re supposed to figure out when the dadgum trains will arrive in St. Louis. Well, I wouldn’t answer those trick questions either because don’t no one take trains these days. They’d just fly or drive!”

    Stinky, Bubba & Weasel are tough to categorize.
    And Jerry Fuddmork of Bald Knob, Arkansas is refusing to answer his census on the basis of what is done with the information. “The government says they need to know all this personal information so they can plan for schools, libraries, roads and other social services. Well, I don’t cotton to such socialistic notions. I don’t want my tax money going to build some road for illegal aliens to drive on. And schools and libraries are just a complete waste of money, what with so much you can learn on the television. Why, if I wanted to be a doctor, all I got to do is watch ‘House’— that lanky guy with the limp is cagey as can be. Ain’t no school going to teach you how to be like House– he’s the rascal you want to learn from, not some stupid school!”

  • New Tiger Texts Revealed

    Do Tiger’s new texts prove he’s Hubby of The Year? Could be. The guy’s a gem!
    Tiger Woods has been combatting a flurry of bad press concerning the explicit text messages he allegedly sent porn star Joslyn James over a nine week period last year during their alleged torrid sexual affair. In a surprising development, just before the Masters Golf Tournament, someone in Tiger’s inner circle of confidants has leaked a new set of texts allegedly sent by Mr. Woods to an unnamed person that may prove the world’s greatest golfer is a lovesick husband devoted to his wife– not some perv creepazoid. The anonymous source said Tiger would be greatly upset if these texts were made public, but, the associate feels the truth is more important than Tiger’s fragile feelings.

    Here are the newly released texts.

    Tiger:Sent: 1:06 PM 8/4/2009:
    Been thinking a lot about breakfast cereals. Think I like Frosted Flakes best– could be the whole Tiger feeling bro-love for Tony The Tiger LOL Froot Loops is a close second.

    Tiger:Sent: 1:07 PM 8/4/2009:
    Changed my mind. Froot Loops is da bomb. Frosted Flakes make my teeth hurt. Too sweet!

    Tiger:Sent: 1:08 PM 8/4/2009:
    Who am I kidding? I mix Frosted Flakes WITH Froot Loops. I call it “Tiger’s Tony The Tiger Froot Loopty-Doo Mash-Up!”

    Tiger:Sent: 2:03 PM 8/4/2009:
    I love my wife so much;-) I would never ever cheat on her. EVER!

    Tiger:Sent: 8:16 PM 8/5/2009:
    Cantalope or honeydew for morning melon? Cantalope for me. But not if it’s too ripe. If it’s mushy, it’s in the garbage. Tiger don’t play that. End of discussion.

    Tiger:Sent: 10:06 AM 8/10/2009:
    I sure do love my wife a whole bunch. Gonna send her flowers, candy, box of diamonds and a luxury SUV with premium sound system. Maybe even a crate of Omaha Steaks!

    Tiger:Sent: 7:06 AM 8/14/2009:
    Was thinking about that guy Marconi who invented the radio, and how close his name was to ‘macaroni’, but he didn’t invent THAT cuz everyone knows it was done by Yankee Doodle Dandy sticking a feather in his hat and everything. Hey, I love my wife!

    Tiger:Sent: 5:43 PM 8/16/2009:
    Before I putt, I like to think about how much my wife means to me:-} Man, I love that woman! Makes me wanna write poetry…

    Tiger:Sent: 9:11 PM 8/20/2009:
    Fidelity is important in sound systems and marriage. I’m as true fidelity to my wife as possible, and that ‘sounds’ like the key to a long, successful, divorce-free marriage{:-)

    Tiger:Sent: 2:41 AM 8/23/2009:
    Having trouble sleeping. Miss my wife. Sting was right– the bed’s too big without her. I love my cupcake so much it hurts when I’m not with her:-)(

    Tiger:Sent: 10:36 PM 8/28/2009:
    Played golf today and found three balls– almost new!!! I love when that happens, but not as much as I love my wife:-)

    Tiger:Sent: 7:12 PM 9/2/2009:
    Forgiveness is the most important quality anyone can have, and I married a woman who is rich in forgiveness. It’s what makes her so lovable to me– her ability to forgive anything I may do no matter what! She’s got a huge forgiving heart and I really love her ;-})

    Tiger:Sent: 10:30 PM 9/8/2009:
    I hope no one EVER reads these text messages… they’re kind of embarrassing cuz they make me sound pretty head over heels for my terrific wife who I love so much. But what the heck, I am! I love my wife, love my wife, love my wife and that’s the TRUTH!

    Tiger:Sent: 7:51 PM 9/14/2009:
    Did I mention I love my wife? I do, I really do and would NEVER chase skanks because I want to stay married to my wonderful wife and not go through an expensive, messy divorce. These texts are on the level. Seriously– straight up on the level.

  • Hot Tubbin’ Twilight

    Vampire, werewolf, boring girl, oh my!
    I saw two movies this weekend, Hot Tub Time Machine on the big screen, and New Moon (part of The Twilight Saga) on the small screen.

    Yeah, I know what you’re thinking– Scullin’s Mensa meeting must have been cancelled and he needed some intellectually-stimulating entertainment. Well, joke’s on you– I’m not even in Mensa!

    Let start with New Moon. This is part two in the tale of Bella (Kristin Stewart), a high school senior who is gaga for a 109-year old vampire, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson– he’s so dreamy, and he carries 109 very well!). Edward moves away so he won’t be tempted to suck Bella’s blood and make her one of the undead– but Bella is also kind of into hunky, pumped-up Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) who becomes a werewolf and well, werewolves don’t like ‘bloodsuckers’ but see, they have a peace pact of sorts and… screw it. This movie is two hours and ten minutes of feeling like the undead.

    It’s slow, it’s plodding, it’s a test of patience and perseverance. The character of Bella may be the single most uninteresting character ever brought to the silver screen. She is forlorn, she is pouty, she is withdrawn, she is longing, she is in the forbidden love zone. Bella is barely a one-dimensional character, and Kristin Stewart musters all her acting abilities to deliver this yawn of a human. Why would anyone, alive or undead, be attracted to someone this boring? Beats me.

    Then again, I’m sure the fans of the book loved this film and love the characters. Hey, we all have to face choices like vampires or werewolves, and this movie plays out our dilemma. I just wish the characters had some life in them. Now let’s talk about something worth seeing.

    Come on in, the water’s fine. Suit optional.
    Hot Tub Time Machine may not be one of the great comedies of all time, but it’s better than most of what passes for comedy these days. This is a film that has an inventive plot and a superb cast (although I could have done without Chevy Chase). Yes, it could have more production values, but this wasn’t a big budget affair. It’s just a good old fashioned raunchy comedic romp (note: don’t bring the kiddies unless they’re fans of f-bombs and plenty of compromising adult situations).

    It’s a smart film with plenty of laughs and moves at a nice clip. The faces on screen are fresh: Rob Corddry (ex-Daily Show with Jon Stewart funnyman), Craig Robinson (from The Office) Clark Duke (you’ve seen him, you just don’t know where) and John Cusack, (who co-produced and always delivers on screen). The story by Josh Heald, screenplay by Josh Heald, Sean Anders & John Morris, is consistently engaging, entertaining and fun. Come re-live a lot of the awfulness that was the 80’s with a band of characters who are very alive, with nary a werewolf or vampire in sight.

    Bottom line: Hot Tub Time Machine is worth immersion, New Moon could put an insomniac down for the count.

  • Easter Bunny Blasts Boy As Socialist

    Bunny lays an egg for commie little boy.
    Fortunately for little Frankie Urbeenor, he sleeps on a very absorbent pillow. The child cried torrents last night after his visit to The Easter Bunny at the East Waverly Heights Mall in Port Arthur, Texas.

    Easter is Frankie’s fifth favorite holiday, after Christmas, his birthday, Halloween and Thanksgiving, so he was looking forward to spending some quality time with Mr. Cottontail. Instead he was subjected to an angry political rant from a bunny who is also a part time Tea Party zealot.

    Spectators reported the following exchange took place between Frankie and the Easter Bunny:
    BOY: Hello, Easter Bunny!
    E. B.: Hello, little boy– what’s your name?
    BOY: Frankie. Frankie Urbeenor.
    E. B.: Well, Frankie, I suppose you’re happy that Obama and his government thugs have taken over the entire freakin’ health care system.
    BOY: Huh?
    E. B.: Sure, what do you care, you’re a little kid and you don’t have to pay taxes so just let me work my freakin’ butt off and support little freeloaders like you so you can get sick and have pre-existing conditions, then use death panels to kill my grandma in Beaumont.
    BOY: Ummm, I don’t know what you’re…
    E.B.: Everyone wants a hand-out, don’t they? You’re all a bunch of socialists. The free market is too tough on you so you want big brother government to spoon feed you entitlement programs, don’t you?
    BOY: I’m scared.
    E.B.: Of course you are, kid. We should all be scared. The country’s being run by the antichrist, who wasn’t even born in this country, and he wants the government to butt into every aspect of our lives, then try to take away my 85 firearms and arsenal of explosives I have for protection.
    BOY: I just want a chocolate bunny for Easter…
    E.B.: Sure you do. Chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, marshmallow chicks, silver dollars and PlayStations, too– you want everything! And you want it all for free, don’t you? And why not, it’s no skin off your nose– just ask, ask, ask and expect others to deliver it with a pretty bow to your door. Well, listen up, kid-o, there ain’t no Santie Claus and you can’t have Christmas every Easter. You want a chocolate bunny, you work for it. There’s no freebies in life, buddy boy!
    BOY: I want to go home, mister, please…

    Fifty-six minutes later, paramedics used the jaws of life to remove the boy from the angry Kung-Fu grip grasp of the Easter Bunny, who was tagged with tranquilizers and taken away in soft handcuffs, designed not to chafe his fur.

    Easter may soon drop from the #5 position of Frankie’s favorite holidays.

  • April Fools Joke Ends Tragically

    Tragedy strikes as giddy girls play joke on parents. The lesson learned: humor sometimes kills.
    Pity the poor Nakamura sisters, Mai, Miki and Hina–– they are now orphans thanks to their playful humor!!!!!

    The three daughters thought it would be a funny April Fools joke to plant a bomb in their parent’s car. Their intent was to stop their father from starting the car, then show both parents their dastardly handiwork and shout “April Fools!” After the parents realized how close they came to certain death, the entire family would have a hearty laugh.

    But tragedy struck when the young ladies decided to get some Frappuccinos at Starbucks. Their parents were at home and read in the newspaper that Macy’s was having a sale and became excited. They decided to take advantage of “Macy’s best prices of the season.” The family needed some new linens.

    But parents Daigoro and Haruka Nakamura never made it to the Macy’s store. Their car exploded and was instantly engulfed in flames. The daughters heard the explosion walking back from Starbucks and realized their joke had become a tragic disaster.

    On the bright side, the Frappies were delicious and the sale at Macy’s probably would have disappointed the parents (the prices weren’t all that great). The daughters are contemplating a lawsuit against the giant retailer for killing their parents.

The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

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