Susan Boyle, the 47-year old U.K. singing sensation who wowed the world with her recent performance on the TV sensation “Britain’s Got Talent” says she is “Gobsmacked, absolutely gobsmacked” by her instant brush with fame. Incredibly, the clip of her performance has attracted over 20 million views on gobsmacking website sensation YouTube.
Ms. Boyle says the instant celebrity will not change her. “I plan to be my ownself, I do. I’m not about to let fame go to my head. If anyone gets in my way, I’ll crush them like a ripe grape. After all, I’m a big celebrity now, aren’t I? Don’t have to be dealing with lowly commoners. After all, I’m one of the beautiful people now!”
Not so fast, Ms. Golden Throat. Although the “Britain’s Got Talent” judges, beautiful Amanda Holden, handsome Piers Holden and heartthrob Simon Cowell, thought her singing was “extraordinary”, they are not quite ready to give Susan Boyle a membership key to Club Attractive Celebrities.
“Look, I said she could sing,” said dyspeptic crank Simon Cowell, “and that’s all well and good, but I don’t want to be seen with her in public. She’s quite hideous looking, isn’t she? Like Zero Mostel in a wig. A gargoyle in a dress. Not the sort of person I want to be associated with.”
Fellow glam-puss Amanda Holden agrees. “Susan was absolutely smashing, gave a wonderfully moving and beautiful performance, but let’s be honest–– she hasn’t got a chance to make it. She’s not pretty, and ‘not pretty’ is never pretty for an entertainer. I would hire her to clean for me, though. I imagine she’d sing as she scoured pots or scrubbed the tub, and that would be quite lovely to hear. I didn’t know ordinary looking people could have talent. It’s remarkable, really.”
Judge Piers Morgan weighed-in with his opinion on Ms. Boyle. “Quite the voice on her, I’ll say, but I’m afraid the package delivering it simply won’t do. I’d let her change the oil on my motor car or perhaps walk my dogs, if she sang while doing the tasks, but to see her on a stage while she sings? No thank you. She needs a lot more superficial beauty if she’s going to make it in show business. It’s not to say she couldn’t invest in some plastic surgery, body augmentations and enhancements. Perhaps she’ll invest in herself if she wins.”
When told of the judges caustic comments Ms. Boyle reported she would grab a cricket bat and “give them a good gobsmacking upside their pretty little heads!”
Britain’s got talent indeed!
30 responses to “‘Gobsmacked’ Woman in Big Demand”
This is crap. So you got a few extra hits on your site, was it worth the lies?
Not that I believe the judges’ quotes in your story, but if they were made, you are far worse than them for repeating such mean, cruel comments about an innocent woman.
If this is your idea of a joke, it is tasteless, not funny & actually stupid as well. With the worldwide positive publicity the show has gotten from her performance, those judges have far more brains than to trash her. The show’s ratings will skyrocket & they’ll make a fortune on raised advertising rates.
Next time you want to write, keep in mind the phrase “If you’re going to be a liar, you better be a good one.”
Satire’s never pretty, people.
Ease up, ease up.
It’s called a sense of humor, people. Get one! Geez!
It’s pretty hamfisted satire.
PS, I do believe you’ve tapped into a vein of our national rage. But: can you bottle and sell it as an alternative fuel?
It might be a good idea to wear that German helmet of yours. Just in case.
A funny thing happened on the way to comedy satire — ANGER!!
Keep up the good work, Doc, our wrapped-too-tight public apparently needs an outlet for their pent up frustrations. Paintball anyone?
I only happen to “stumble upon” your blog, but since I did, I wish to comment. You must be who they call the “son of the devil”, because only he would take something like what Susan Boyle as done in the world and make such insulting remarks. Satire or not, how the staff of BGT deals with Susan, they’ll do it well and carefully. A make-over may not be necessary. She’s not there to make a fashion statement. Her talent comes from within, and that’s as they say, is why “you can’t judge a book by it’s cover”.
Take the advice from my late mother, “if you don’t have anything good to say, then don’t say anything”.
This is absolutely retarded bullocks. If you want to write satire, at least pick the right characters… Cowell, Holden, and Morgan are just the talking heads, there to parrot what they think will make the audience happy, which in this case is obviously by being astounded at her extraordinary talent even though she’s so “normal”. Hell, I wouldn’t even put it past them to have found her and paid her to come on the show so they could repair their images sucking at her teet of normalness.
The characters you should really be involving in this satire are the record execs and the managers who are all going to be salivating at the opportunity to get there hands on Susan.
How do you say, “ignorant and juvenile” in the Queen’s English?”
Oh, right…well, this is ignorant and juvenile.
Petty and….obviously you don’t believe in karma….watch out:what goes around comes around!
She’s famous BECAUSE she is ugly. If she were a plain-jane, moderately attractive 20-something, there would be no story. Her voice is nice, but that’s it. I’d like to congratulate the teary-eyed masses on committing “reverse beauty-ism”.
Not funny, just stupid and mean spirited.
I hope you get sued for slander.
Satire also often tells the truth.
Her Real talent will still get her only as far as william hung.
The big hub-bub is should Susan Boyle change, get a makeover, etc.
She shouldn’t change a thing– except society’s obsession with beauty.
It’s her talent that’s the story, unfortunately the unspoken news is that such incredible talent comes in such a plain package. Sad, but true.
This wasn’t written to make people angry, only to make us consider our criteria for celebrity and success.
We love Susan, but as image consultants specializing in women over 40, we would love to get our hand on her so that her outside matches her adorable personality and incredible talent. Here are our tips:
http://www.fabulousafter40.com/if-susan-boyle-were-to-get-a-makeover/
“This wasn’t written to make people angry, only to make us consider our criteria for celebrity and success”
Exactly.
Why do opera stars not have to meet the same criteria as Rock stars?
Age?
The “young and beautiful” crowd, like those in Hollywood who attempt to stay put their whole lives, via plastic surgery, etc. and makeovers, are really in for a rude awakening. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder and FAKE is on it’s way OUT!
THERE ARE DECENT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AND THERE ARE THE LOWEST OF THE LOW. CREEPS, MORONS, YOU NAME IT! YOU FOLKS ARE THE LATER!!!!!
Fret not, folks. That “Fake, Young and Beautiful” crowd will fortunately never be “on the way out”, as our intrepid commentator wishes. Not as long as people are breathing, anyway.
I’m enthralled by so many pious admonitions to “say only nice things”, and such, in between comments on you / your article:
Tasteless, mean, petty, stupid, rude, juvenile, cruel, liar, various wishes for bad tidings….these busy witch-hunters have quite a repetoire of insults to project.
Me wonders on which road to psychic hell would such a stoning crowd be living?
Party on, Garth, keep the good Lucifer Principles a-twitterin’.
My dictionary defines “satire” as “the use of sarcasm, irony, or keen wit in denouncing abuses or follies.” It’s not clear to me what the “abuses” were in allowing an unattractive woman to sing in public.
Maybe it’s because I look more like Susan Boyle than like Amanda Holden, but I felt shocked by this post. Especially distasteful were the words you put in Simon Cowell’s mouth: “She’s quite hideous looking, isn’t she? Like Zero Mostel in a wig. A gargoyle in a dress. Not the sort of person I want to be associated with.”
Of course, I know that he is known for saying cruel and hurtful things to contestants, so that’s why you chose him, but his remarks tend to be directed at their lack of talent, not looks.
As ToddR said, “She’s famous BECAUSE she is ugly.” That’s true, of course. It became such a feel-good story because the ugly duckling defied the prejudiced expectations of the audience and sang like a nightingale. Ugly ducklings everywhere celebrated Susan’s success. We got to feel a little better about ourselves for a few minutes. But now we are reminded, once again, that beauty is all that matters. I think that is the reason you have received so many passionately negative comments to this post.
Now, where did I put my paintball equipment…
You’re a right bastard, aren’t you? And a coward for couching what are obviously your opinions under the guise of celebrities whom I don’t think would ever be that cruel to anyone, let alone a true talent and lovely person like Susan. I hope they all sue your ass.
ToddR–if all you see is ugliness, then your soul needs a good washing. Beauty-ism. What a lot of codswallop. You believe because YOU see her as unattractive, the “teary-eyed” masses must see her the same way–because why? You are the barometer of reality? What rallied people is that this woman–humble, average and middle-aged, was laughed at and underestimated by EVERYONE there. Beauty is indeed in the eyes of the beholder–and beauty came from Susan Boyle. If all you see is ugliness–you live in a box. It would be better for the rest of us if you stayed there. There is enough hate and negativity in the world. Let the “teary-eyed” masses bask in this moment of warmth and optimism. Don’t worry, dearie, it won’t last long. There are people like you to ensure that.
I think your post on susan boyle was mean. And i don’t like mean!I don’t know what satire is but even if i did it would not make your post any better. And another thing, where’s my brain?
“Zero Mostel in a dress” is precisely what I picture as the “ultimo” in erotic fantasy.
The talent judges on the show are the lowest of the low. They are the commonest of the commonest despite their so-called “beauty.” Even if what they say about Susan is true, they did not have to express those ideas. What hypocrites!
What a disgusting article.
The comments you have quoted Simon, Amada and Piers as saying, are completely false……….a figure of the writers warped imagination.
In the U.K., we do not say we will hit someone UPSIDE of their face. UPSIDE is an Amercanism that is not used across the pond.
Most of the articles I have read from out of the U.S.A. have been honest but this writer needs a slap on the face to knock some decentcy into his brain,
What if Susan read this. Really dude, you’d probley say this to her face if you got the chanch. I’ll be sure to never visit your lintscreen again.
Thanks for the proper English lesson, G-G. Methinks I shall never put “upside” into the British tongue again. Interestingly, “across the pond” is not used in the U.S. Funny language, this English.
Corry, do try “lint” again. It’s not always this offensive, and if you are this easily offended, please steer clear of The Onion– it will make you cry.
Can I get a rimshot, people?!
Hi there,
thelintscreen.com – da best. Keep it going!
Really, people: Go look up ‘satire.’ Bleeding heck. For those who need it spelled out, the author wasn’t putting down Susan Boyle. He was attacking the ridiculous idea being promoted by Cowell et. al. as well as the media that having a non-exceptionally-conventionally-fake-beautiful person with a modicum of talent is such an amazing thing. It’s marketing tricks, folks.
BGT is marketing a Cinderella story – quite successfully. I’ve heard Susan sing. She has a nice voice, yes – but not brilliant – and I doubt she’d have come so far without the ‘ugly’ hype. Oh, and she’s not that particularly ugly, either.
I thought this was quite funny. Surely it can’t have possibly been meant to take seriously?! Some people need to lighten up a little. This article is just a bit of a laugh (ok not the most hilarious thing ever but it raised a smile) and not insulting to Susan Boyle!
[…] and expect to get away with it. One of the most controversial specks of Lint was one I did when the Susan Boyle story first caught fire. I thought it was funny, many did not. Read the comments for a great […]