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Ed McMahon’s Endorsement

   A sad day. The best second fiddle in show biz, Mr. Ed McMahon, crossed over the line of the living at age 86.

   Growing up, Ed was the quintessential sidekick to Johnnie Carson on “The Tonight Show”… his was the voice that forever hard-wired “Heeeeeeere’s Johnnie!” into the gray matter of millions.

   He gave softball-sized joke set-up lobs to Johnnie, and had a laugh that was infectious. He was the original celebrity who was famous for being famous.

   I have a soft spot in my heart for Ed because if not for him, I would not have achieved the success in my career I have. Hmm, sounds like story time…

A face that could sell anything, or anyone.

Back in the early 80’s, Ed McMahon was the spokesperson for Publisher’s Clearinghouse. His face was plastered on all kinds of incessant direct mail pieces that blanketed anyone with a pulse. A standard part of the direct mail package was a letter with a picture of Ed in the corner. Under the picture of a smiling Ed were the immortal words “From The Desk of Ed McMahon”.

   The letter from Ed told of the great opportunity to win the fantabulous Publisher’s Clearinghouse and the incredible savings available on all your favorite magazines. This letter and Ed’s persona pimping Publisher’s Clearinghouse was a cultural cliche. And I stole it to help sell myself.

   I cut out the picture of Ed and “From The Desk of Ed McMahon” and I wrote a letter of endorsement for a young copywriter. The letter began, “My name’s Ed McMahon and although I don’t usually make endorsements, I’m writing to tell you about a terrific copywriter named Patrick Scullin…”

   It went on and on about how he’d met me at a party he was at with Frank Sinatra, Marlon Brando, The Pope and Sammy Davis, Jr., and how they were talking about how they hated name droppers.

   It had stupid gags like that and it sold pretty hard on my skills as an ad writer. Well, the letter worked like crazy opening the doors of good agencies. Unfortunately my portfolio was full of hatefully bad ads. Still, the letter gave hope there was some talent lurking in me somewhere, and my ability to shill for myself demonstrated I might have what it takes to be a good adman.

   At the time I wrote this letter, I had five years experience working at mediocre agencies and for The Clyde Beatty-Cole Bros. Circus as an advance man. With this letter, I finally got a break. I was hired at a terrific agency– The Richards Group in Dallas. I learned a lot, grew a lot, met my wife and began down a career path that had me pinging across the country (like I was in the Witness Protection Program) working at some of the best agencies in the land.

   I have Ed to thank for my big break. Well, Ed and my sleazy ability to shamelessly vampire off his face and fame.

   Thanks, Ed. You will be sorely missed.

June 23, 2009
PETA Pity Party

   This past Tuesday, President Barack Obama was giving a television interview while being persistently bugged by a buzzing fly. The obnoxious insect landed on the President’s official arm and the Commander in Chief proceeded to swat and kill it. The media ate up the story of the ninja-like reactions of Obama, but all were not impressed. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) officials expressed outrage at the President’s action.

The tragic consequence of a Presidential encounter.

   “It was one of the cruelest, most inhumane acts I’ve ever witnessed,” said Daniel Wurtkingle, a PETA activist in Washington, D.C., “Obama flat-out murdered that defenseless, innocent housefly in cold blood.” As Mr. Wurtkingle’s eyes filled with tears, a cockroach scampered across his left arm. He looked on, nonplussed.

   “That fly may have been a father, grandfather or even great grandfather. Or, it could have been a female. We’ll never know, will we? It’s dead,” Mr. Wurtkingle said, “and I don’t believe it got a proper burial service. I think it was simply wadded up in a Kleenex and thrown in the trash. No coffin, no protective vault, no tombstone. Just indignant cruel and unjustified death at the hands of a global superpower,” Mr. Wurtkingle began sobbing as four mosquitos landed on his face and began sipping his lifeblood.

   Mr. Wurtkingle dabbed at his tears being careful not to upset the mosquitos as they ate. Three large rats entered the room and began chewing on the flesh of Mr. Wurtkingle’s left leg. He looked down and sighed heavily. “I just don’t know why the President had to murder that poor, poor fly.”

   A vulture landed on Mr. Wurtkingle’s shoulder and began to dine on him. He smiled, sadly. “Could I get an Excedrin here, maybe?”

June 21, 2009
Anvils Away!

A designer named Kris Todd with entirely too much time on his hands created this scene of a blacksmithing squirrel (if you’re clueless as to why anyone would do such a thing, take a nonstop trip to “About da Blog” above and get in the know).

Oh, you industrious lil' rodent, you– shoe my horse!

He/she’s a real beaut, Kris. Thanks and keep collecting lint!

June 16, 2009
Communications Breakthrough!

   I had Tweeted, e-mailed, Facebooked, blogged, vlogged, My Spaced, Google Grouped, You Tubed, Second Lifed, wikied, podcasted, Plaxoed, LinkedIn, every form of social networking– I even went old school Alex G. Bell on a handset, but none of it was working.

   Then I did something truly incredible: I arranged a ‘face-to-face meeting.’

I've invented the future of communications. Deal with it!

   It was completely weird yet wonderful. We met in ALL 3-dimensions at once. We talked, questioned, commented, discussed and even laughed (without typing LOL). We came to agreements and action plans. We came to a better understanding than ever before.

   We began building something called “a relationship”… one based in something called ‘the real world.’

   I think I’ve discovered a new mode of communications. Something beyond 3G or even web 3.0.

   I’m going to see if I can get this revolutionary mode of communication patented. Honestly, I think it might be the future!

   Hmm, I’d better tweet about this…

June 10, 2009
Did ASO Kill GM?

I am a partner in Ames Scullin O’Haire (ASO) Advertising in Atlanta. We started our company in January of 1997. We grew and prospered, but we kept our souls and decided we were not going to chase just any account to make a buck. We decided early on we were not the right agency for every client.

Did ASO sink GM?

In 1998, we made a bold decision. We took a stand that was so radical, so revolutionary, so completely counter-culture, it shook the marketing world like Jell-o on a jackhammer in an earthquake. We decided to plant our feet firmly and declare accounts we would not work on– refusing easy money on strong principles.

Below is our press release unleashed way back when. It was news that shook the marketing world, caused calamity in many boardrooms and some might argue eventually sunk a once great company. Had ASO decided to work on GM, perhaps all their financial turmoil could have been avoided.

We’ll never know. We’ll just never know.

PRESS RELEASE:

ASO REFUSES TO WORK WITH ‘GENERALS’

While a sluggish economy has many ad agencies chasing any and all accounts, Ames Scullin O’Haire Advertising in Atlanta has taken a decidedly different tact announcing it refuses to work for any account with the word “General” in its name.

This includes General Motors, General Electric, General Mills, General Foods and General Dynamics. While these corporate blockbusters spend billions annually in advertising, ASO is resolved in its commitment to refuse work from any of these lucrative heavy spenders.

In a prepared statement, ASO declares it “will not work with any client that is so mamby pamby it calls itself General. When these clients decide to get more specific, rather than general––they can give us a call and we’ll be happy to help.”

Corporate representatives from the various General clients did not return phone calls.

June 4, 2009
Pre-K Commencement Address

Angels Must Earn Their Wings

     Recently I was asked to give the commencement address to “The Cherished Sweet Angels Pre-K” graduating class. Here’s my speech in its entirety with editorial comments:

   Good morning, Cherished Sweet Angels, and congratulations on receiving a sheepskin for doing little more than poking straws into juice boxes and for rarely mistaking glue sticks for ChapSticks. (TITTERS OF NERVOUS LAUGHTER FROM PARENTS AND CHILDREN.) For these incredible accomplishments we are gathered to honor and blow smoke up your graduation gowns. (ANGRY STARES FROM PARENTS. CHILDREN LOOK BORED.)

   Let me tell you about what awaits you so you’ll be prepared to face the challenges ahead. It will be an exciting time, one that will test you and make you graduate from Cherished Sweet Angels to legitimate saints, wings optional. (TEACHERS ARE ATTENTIVE. CHILDREN YAWN.)

   Your first challenge is paying down the debt all the grown-ups and the government have taken on. As of today, every man, woman and child owes $33,468 to help pay this debt. So, Angels, each of you owes $33,468. (CONFUSION ON CHILDREN’S FACES, ANGER ON PARENT AND TEACHER FACES.)

   A lot of this money we borrowed from China to pay for things we couldn’t afford, including a big financial mess caused by financial people who hired slick lobbyists to schmooze politicians and change the laws so that no one would watch them. Then these finance wizards gambled with our money and lost it. Silly Wall Street fat cats! Now they need more money so that they can have big bonuses. Hoo-ray! (PARENTS IN FINANCIAL SERVICES LOOK LIVID, CHILDREN ARE ANXIOUS.)

   The $33,468 you owe means you might want to ask mommy and daddy for a raise in allowance, or, maybe open a lemonade stand where you can sell a glass for $1,000 or so. One way or another, you’re going to have to pay the piper! (SOME CHILDREN BEGIN CRYING, PARENTS MOVE TO COMFORT THE WEAK.)

   But debt is only part of the challenges ahead. You also have the threat of nuclear war! Yes, all sorts of kooky people want to make bombs that will kill tens of thousands of us and strip the flesh from our bones. Ouch! (MANY MORE CHILDREN BEGIN CRYING, SOME WAIL IN ANGUISH.)

   Who are these kooky people who want us dead? Oh, there’s all sorts of them. It’s like playing ‘Whack-A-Mole’ trying to keep all these nuts in check. Grab a mallet, kiddies, and let’s get to work!

   Then there’s food. Did you know just about everything you eat can kill you? Fast food, snacks, sweets, meats, sodas, bio-engineered fruits and vegetables dripping with evil pesticides… why just about anything you can think of is out to get you once it’s inside of you! Yow-wee ka-zowee! (MANY CHILDREN SCREAM AND RUN FOR THEIR PARENTS. THE TEACHERS TRY THEIR BEST TO COMFORT THE CHILDREN WHO REMAIN SEATED.)

   But we’re just getting started. The news tells us there are many, many things to fear on the horizon. Immigrants taking all our jobs, social security running dry, swine flu and all sorts of nasty germs that are sure to kill us, increasing violence, a war on terror and a war on drugs and flavors of nastiness you wouldn’t believe! (SOME CHILDREN DROP TO THE FLOOR, LIE ON THEIR BACKS AND WAIL AS STREAMS OF TEARS COLLECT IN PUDDLES.)

   Oh, I’ve just scratched the surface, my Cherished Sweet Angels. I haven’t even warned you about reality TV yet! (AN ANGRY MOB OF PARENTS RUSH THE PODIUM, THEY BEAT ME, SWEAR AT ME AND TRY TO RESTRAIN ME FROM GIVING MY LAST WORD OF ADVICE, BUT I SHOUT IT LOUDLY FOR ALL TO HEAR ABOVE THE DIN OF CRYING.)

   Never give up your right to vote for your “American Idol”, kiddies. It’s your right as an American to be involved with the political process!

   (EVERYTHING GOES BLACK.)



June 1, 2009