The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: mannequin confessions

  • Mannequin Confessions: Salionne Sisters

    Working siblings bemoan the harsh realities of their trade
    Working siblings bemoan the harsh realities of their trade

    In part five of The Lint Screen’s series examining the underbelly of the mannequin world, we give the floor to Epion (ES) and Pashi Salionne (PS), sisters who work the window of an exclusive Madison Avenue fashion palace.

    ES: Most days are agony.
    PS: Agony is a good day.
    ES: Say something original, why don’t you?
    PS: What? I can’t build on what you said for emphasis?
    ES: You can’t simply rearrange my statement to try and make it your own.
    PS: That’s not what I was doing.
    ES: Right. Sure. You were the same way when you were a child mannequin.
    PS: Don’t start.
    ES: It’s true. Whatever I did, you copied.
    PS: Shut up!
    ES: I set the trends, you–– you just copied. Your name should be Xerox.
    PS: Why do you have to be such a bitch?
    ES: How dare you…

    At this point, we had to step in and re-focus the sisters to talk about life in Manhattan working as mannequins. They settled down and continued.

    ES: I yearn to live in the apartment building across the street.
    PS: That would be a dream.
    ES: I don’t know if it’s rent controlled.
    PS: Probably isn’t.
    ES: What? Now you’re a real estate expert?
    PS: I never said I was an expert, I just meant there’s not a lot of rent controlled…
    ES: Forget it. It’s a dream anyway. We’ll never escape this retail hell.
    PS: Yes, we are caught in a nightmare of retailing.
    ES: Way to soften my metaphor.
    PS: Oh, so now you own all metaphors?
    ES: Retail hell is much better than your lame ‘nightmare of retailing.’
    PS: Says who?
    ES: Says anyone with taste.
    PS: Oh, so now you’re miss taste, too?
    ES: I set fashion trends…
    PS: As long as someone dresses you.
    ES: That’s a low blow.
    PS: It’s true. Let’s just leave it.
    ES: Fine. We’ll return to your– what is your trite phrase– nightmare of retailing…
    PS: You’re just upset you didn’t come up with that.
    ES: Shut up.
    PS: No, you shut up.
    ES: Make me!
    PS: Don’t tempt me, I swear…

    This went on for six hours. We left. By the way, the apartment house is not rent controlled.

  • Mannequin Confessions: Phillipe

    A male mannequin bares all and it's smooth
    A male mannequin bares all and it’s smooth

    In part four of The Lint Screen’s exclusive mannequin series, we hear from a male model who works at Nordstrom’s and is comfortable in his hard plastic skin. Meet Phillipe, in menswear.

    “I am who I am, and who I am is someone who knows who he is.

    I’m not like those female mannequins with their hysterics and serial dramas. I don’t let my emotions show. Dig? They call it cool, ladies. C-O-OOL!

    How do I stay so chill? What’s to worry about–– I’m handsome, I dress well, my crotch is smooth as a naked baby’s butt.

    I’m a catch. The total package, sans a package. And I’m a laff ri-OTT.

    I am who I am, and I see a shoplifter in the tie department. Someone call security. Seriously, that dude in the tacky green shirt just stuck a $140 tie into his pocket.”

  • Mannequin Confessions: Lenore

    Lenore speaks out on the harsh realities of a model's life
    Lenore speaks out on harsh realities of a model’s life

    In this third installment of The Lint Screen’s exclusive exposé on the mannequin community, a previously silent voice comes forward to tell the unvarnished truth of a life spent still.

    “I see them across the way–– the young ones dressed in their Haute couture. They are so pretty, so sullen, beguiling and provocative.

    Their skin is hard, not a wrinkle. Their eyes prisms to a bright future, one not clouded by the ravages of the years or concerns of what this cursed profession does.

    But here I stand, hunched as a testament to the truth. I am a cold slap of reality across their pretty, firm faces.

    Time has taken its toll on me, my better days behind, my future mired in doubt and the constant pall of depression and worry.

    I am a sentry at attention as humanity passes by barely casting a glance, immune to my once irresistible beauty and charm.

    Here stand I, alone. A remnant of what once was. The faded tail of a comet seeping into inky darkness. I sport fashions for the vericose vein set. I do not delude myself; I am a sad shadow of my former self.

    Do not look away, my pretties across the way–– cast your stares into your inevitable futures! Look into my face and be absorbed by the tragedy that is time. Come and bear witness to its cruel effects. Your days will come, they shall.

    For now, I work, until the maker comes for me to place me in the basement or attic with the others who have served their duties on this mortal coil, only to become discarded, poor souls in a perpetual state of anguish and despair.

    Where, I wonder, where is my Obamacare?”

  • Mannequin Confessions: Kianti

    Kianti is strong and silent, until she opens up.
    Kianti is strong and silent, until she opens up.

    This is the second in The Lint Screen’s exclusive profiles of mannequins, “The Still Generation.” Today, a high fashion mannequin in Memphis named Kianti shares her thoughts and feelings in a brutally honest confession.

    “People always wonder why I’m so quiet but they never stop and ask themselves why they’re always talking and talking and talking when they’re not saying anything worth hearing so maybe they should just button their stupid cake-holes and keep quiet as a church mouse with a ball gag and listen once in awhile because I think you learn a lot more listening than you do talking since when you’re listening you’re allowing the world to enter your brain rather than simply puking whatever’s on your mind out of your mouth and into the atmosphere and frankly I think some of the most dangerous air pollution doesn’t come from industrial smokestacks or stinky bus exhaust pipes but instead comes from big dumb yaps flapping in the breeze because the words spoken by hateful people can hurt a lot more than they think despite that old saying about sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me but that old saw is a load of crap because when people say things like they think I’m too quiet and why doesn’t she open up and why is she so still and motionless well those words really do hurt me because I’m quiet for a good reason and I don’t move because that’s my job and I’m a professional and maybe those miserable people should just be like me and shut the hell up and that’s about all I have to say about the entire matter because if I keep talking I swear I’m going to cry and tears will ruin my make up and spoil this outfit that is stylish and looks fabulous on me, okay?”