The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: Patrick Scullin

  • O’Reilly & Williams Go Into A Bar…

    Two famous newsmen secretly met and shared tales of better days.
    Two famous newsmen secretly met and swapped tales of better days.

    Holland Bar in Hell’s Kitchen seemed an odd spot to meet a couple multi-millionaire media stars, but The Lint Screen recently descended into this dive bar to eavesdrop on a conversation between Fox Newsman Bill O’Reilly and NBC Anchor Brian Williams. The two tall men sat at the end of the bar with tumblers of scotch and commiserated on their recent troubles.
    BO: It’s a media hit job, the whole thing they’re pulling on me.
    BW: I hear you, pal. The wolves sharpened their teeth on my ass.
    BO: Know what their problem is?
    BW: They’ve got no imagination?
    BO: Of course, that, but their real problem is they can’t stand integrity, and it irks the hell out of them that some journalists still got it.
    BW: Guys like you and me.
    BO: Right. Guys putting ourselves on the line to get the story.
    BW: The whole story. It’s why I go in harm’s way.
    BO: And why I wrote my “Killing” book series. Hell, I didn’t even write about being on the grassy knoll when Kennedy bought the farm.
    BW: Really? You must have been pretty young.
    BO: Thirteen, fourteen, or something. But even then, I had a nose for the news. I sensed a story was unfolding in the land our forefathers called Texas.
    BW: What a coincidence, I call it Texas, too.
    BO: Hey, barkeep! (O’Reilly shouts) Want to fill my glass, or do I have to die from dehydration down here? (To BW) Service in America sucks. There’s no compassion whatsoever.
    BW: Service sector needs to focus on humanity.
    BO: My point exactly. (To bartender as he pours scotch into his glass) Don’t be shy, buddy, if you expect a good tip. And do my friend here again.
    BW: Thanks, Bill.
    (The bartender finishes pouring and steps to the other end of the bar.)
    BO: Where was I?
    BW: The grassy knoll.
    BO: Right. Shots rang out and…
    BW: I was on the plane, you know…
    BO: The plane? What plane?
    BW: Air Force One. With LBJ getting sworn in. Poor Jackie, she looked so sad. That dress was absolutely ruined.
    BO: Really? You were there? You must have been a little kid.
    BW: I was four, I think. Yeah, a kid, I guess…
    BO: That’s amazing.
    BW: Well, like you, I guess I had a nose for news.
    BO: And that’s why all the other media pinheads hate us–– they despise that we do the job.
    BW: It’s all about the story. Doing whatever it takes to get the story.
    BO: Right. And others are too lazy to go find the story behind the story, and that so often is the story! So what do they do? They come gunning for guys like us.
    BW: Exactly.
    BO: You like this scotch?
    BW: Sure. It’s smoky, nice full-bodied flavor.
    BO: It’s my recipe. I sold it to a distillery. Told them to keep my name off the bottle. I don’t want to be whoring booze. Might ruin my credibility.
    BW: Really? That’s incredible. You created the recipe for this wonderful scotch?
    BO: Yeah. Look, if a newsman doesn’t know a good drink, then who the hell does? I’ll tell you about it…

  • Bill Proposed To Arm Prisoners

    A simple solution proposed to stop prison violence.
    A simple solution proposed to stop prison violence.

    Alabama Congressman Hank Tippsmon has introduced “The Behind Bars Protection Act”, a bill designed to curtail violence among the over 2.5 million people incarcerated in America.

    The revolutionary law is simple in its execution–– every prisoner would be issued a firearm and ammunition for self protection purposes.

    “Crime is a real problem in America,” explained Rep. Tippsmon, “that’s true on the streets and especially true in our prisons. These places are filled with nasty people. With my new law, we’d empower the folks most in danger in modern society, those people who live every blessed day among the criminal element–– the prisoners themselves. Armed prisoners could finally stand their ground and protect their Constitutional right to bear arms. I honestly cannot think of a downside to this law, and frankly am shocked no one’s thought of it before. I pray that my fellow members of Congress and everyone in Washington does the right thing and makes this law happen. The idea is bulletproof.”

    There has been no word yet from other members of Congress or The White House, but there is widespread support among the prison population.

  • Anguished Woman Lied To Her 893 FB Friends

    Tears of regret and remorse beg for mercy and forgiveness.
    Tears of regret and bitter remorse from Pam Dockwinker beg for mercy and forgiveness.

    Pam Dockwinker is being shunned by humanity following her confession that she recently issued a “Like” on Facebook when it wasn’t true. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” the distraught 22-year old resident of Madison, Wisconsin said. “I have got to be like the worst human being ever.”

    Yesterday Ms. Dockwinker saw a picture posted by her friend Mandy Stewbimb of a cute black kitten playing with a tennis ball. “I saw that the picture had 126 ‘Likes’,” admitted Ms. Dockwinker, “so I joined the crowd and went ahead and hit the ‘Like’ button.”

    But in fact, Ms. Dockwinker did not like the photo. “I’m really afraid of cats,” she told The Lint Screen. “I’m very allergic to all cats, even kittens, and the picture, while very cute, kind of creeped me out.”

    In the interest of maintaining the integrity of Facebook, The Lint Screen pressured Ms. Dockwinker to confess her lie, which she did in an FB post. Now she awaits the judgment of her 893 Facebook friends.

    “I hope I can survive this,” Ms. Dockwinker sobbed. “I honestly couldn’t feel worse. I’m so ashamed I am physically sick and really totally mental about my deception. And I sincerely hope I don’t lose any of my 893 close Facebook friends because of my dishonesty.”

    Time will tell who is a friend of Pam Dockwinker and who actually “likes” a dirty rotten liar!

  • The Missing McConaughey Super Bowl Scripts

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    This is a scoop so big, it’d bankrupt Baskin Robbins. The Lint Screen has acquired three scripts of TV spots produced by The Lincoln Motor Company using Matthew McConaughey that were supposed to have aired in last Sunday’s Super Bowl Game. The spots were pulled at the last minute due to a prank done by the mischievous ghost kid from the Nationwide spot. The Lincoln scripts are revealed below in their entirety.

    “Cake”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKZ. HIS CAR IS ENTERING AN AUTOMATIC CAR WASH. WE WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE SITS. WE SEE THE SCRUBBERS WORKING, RINSING, WAX BEING APPLIED, ETC.

    MMVO: I remember some good cake I had one time.
    All the sweet, green icing flowing down.
    But then…
    someone left the cake out in the rain.

    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF MM. WE SEE TEARS WELLING UP IN HIS EYES. IN THE BACKGROUND, WATER POUNDS AGAINST THE VEHICLE. VISUAL METAPHOR!!!

    I don’t think I can take it
    ’cause it took so long to bake it
    And I’ll never have that recipe again…

    MM BEGINS SOBBING INTO HIS HANDS AS THE CAR IS BEGINNING TO BE BLOWN DRY.

    CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR WASH. SUPER LOGO.
    —————————————————

    “Who Am I?”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. HE IS DRIVING AT NIGHT DOWN A LONELY ALLEYWAY. IT IS DARK, WITH SPORADIC POOLS OF DINGY YELLOW LIGHT. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES. THERE ARE FOUR COINS IN HIS RIGHT POCKET–– A 1996 DIME, 2009 NICKEL, 2012 QUARTER, 2014 QUARTER.

    MM VO: Who am I? Why am I here?

    They’re big questions.
    We all search for identity.

    MM TURNS TO CAMERA AND WINKS.

    I could use more lumbar support.

    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS HAND ADJUSTING LUMBAR SUPPORT BUTTON ON SIDE OF HIS SEAT.
    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS FACE IN ECSTASY.

    That’s much better.

    CUT TO WIDE ANGLE CRANE SHOT ABOVE ALLEYWAY AS THE VEHICLE DRIVES OUT OF FRAME.

    SUPER LOGO

    ———————————————–

    “What’s Ahead”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES THROUGH BEAUTIFUL COUNTRYSIDE.

    MM VO: What is life? What’s ahead? I’ve been wondering lately.
    Why do baristas rarely acknowledge tips?
    How do magicians do their tricks?

    (SFX: LOUD THUMP OUTSIDE VEHICLE)

    What the heck was that?
    I could use a latte.

    MM TURNS ON THE RADIO, JOYFUL MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS.

    That’s nice.
    What is life? What’s ahead?

    SUPER LOGO

  • Norm Grey: Godfather, Hall of Famer

    The Don Corleone of the advertising industry
    The Don Corleone of the advertising industry

    Tonight in New York City, Norm Grey will be inducted into The One Club’s Advertising Hall of Fame. Norm is cofounder of Creative Circus, and only the third educator to receive this prestigious honor (Rob Lawton, another Circus cofounder is already in the Hall).

    I’ve known Norm for over 20 years through mutual friends. I remember when they started Creative Circus–– a band of renegades breaking off from The Portfolio Center determined to succeed as the premier advertising school in the country.

    Norm had the passion, wisdom, empathy, compassion and caring to nurture talent and attract great teachers. He had vision, determination and patience. Legions of talented people came out of the circus with their logo ball caps and heads filled with knowledge, discipline and imagination that would change and charge the advertising industry worldwide.

    You know the alums, their names are in the index of award show books. Their work is everywhere, their network of influence both incredible and pervasive.

    And every grad can trace her/his roots back to Norm, the head of the Circus family. He’s the Don Corleone of modern communications, without all the bloodshed.

    Congratulations, Norm, you are a true Mensch among men and an inspiration. Long may you reign.

  • PTA Meeting Notes

    Doc prepares to bust open the case.
    After doing research, Doc prepares to bust open the case.

    Paul Thomas Anderson (“PTA” in the trade) is one of those people. If he’s behind a camera, I’m in front of the screen. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

    A few months back, the trailer for his latest film Inherent Vice was released. Joaquin Phoenix, Josh Brolin, Owen Wilson, Katherine Waterston, Benicio Del Toro, Martin Short and a slew of other interesting actors in the trippy tale of Doc Sportello, a gumshoe in sandals, as he smokes dope, snorts blow and tries solving a corker of a case set in 1970 L.A.

    The movie’s based on Thomas Pynchon’s novel of the same name. Pynchon is a writer with a cult following. I never waded into those waters, so I got the book and dove in. The guy can write, some passages are transformative. That said, I got a little over half way through the book and it was a confusing mess. I laid the novel down and never picked it up again. I just didn’t care.

    I liked the movie much better– liked it enough to finish it at least. The performances PTA gets from his cast make the confusing tale fun to watch. Robert Elswit’s cinematography makes you want to pack a bag for the L.A. sun, and Jonny Greenwood’s score pluses the pretty pictures and powerful performances. Everyone delivers the goods, and Joaquin shines as usual.

    Is it perfect film? No. It’s not a perfect story. It’s like an impressionist painting, there are strokes all over the place and with some distance, you get the true beauty and artistry of the picture.

    Inherent Vice may try you at times, but it’s worth the ride.