The Lint Screen has decided after extensive and exhaustive research that the best human being to have ever graced the Earth is Saudi Deputy Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman.
Our editorial staff believes he is a leader for the ages with his progressive ideas (women driving cars–– what a radical notion!!!) and his warm, welcoming compassion toward journalists.
Move over Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, Trebek, there’s a new kid in town who has all the answers, and brother, he is a humdinger of a swell fellow!
Soros employs hundreds to resist Trump’s actions in making American great again
If you believe some people do not think Brett Kavanaugh is a dream Supreme Court Justice, dream again, silly goose!
A senior Trump administration official claims the alleged protesters against Kavanaugh are on the payroll of evil liberal kingpin George Soros.
“Don’t be duped, morons,” Stevie Granger, senior counsel to the president told The Lint Screen. “Every poll ever taken proves President Trump has an enthusiastic approval rating of between 98% and 100%. He received over 99% of the popular vote and won the entire electoral college. Trump had the largest inaugural crowd on record. People love our president, make no mistake about that. Yet, if you turn on the TV, you’ll see people protesting Kavanaugh or a decision our incredible leader has made to help make America great again. Who are these people protesting? I’ll tell you–– they’re paid stooges of Soros, that’s who! I wouldn’t be surprised if Soros wasn’t behind Mueller’s witch hunt. The man is Satan!”
When asked to point to the Trump approval polling he cited, Granger bristled. “I don’t have to prove anything here, and I won’t buckle to your socialist liberal mob mentality agenda of a fact-based reality.” Granger repeatedly slapped this reporter in the head for emphasis.
This reporter asked if there were any people legitimately opposed to Kavanaugh. “None. Not a one,” Granger said. “Men love him. Women adore him–– chicks dig guys who like beer. And innocent children pray for him. We’re truly blessed to have Brett Kavanaugh on the bench. It’s like God put him there to save us!” Granger shouted, peppering this reporter’s face with spittle (he had had ranch dressing for lunch, maybe creamy Italian). The Trumper regained his calm composure.
“It’s obvious those protesters are paid actors,” Granger said. He pointed to the picture of protesters.”Look at these signs–– there’s not one misspelled word. Not one! There’s proper grammar. Grammar, for God’s sake! Obviously, these signs are not made by real Americans. They are probably made in sweatshops in socialist countries. And I’ll bet dollars to donuts these signs were paid for by Soros. Look at the expressions on the faces in this crowd–– these people appear to be angry, upset, enraged. Why would anyone be angry about getting a fantastic judge like Kavanaugh? Get serious, those people are all paid actors. I suspect if you look close enough you’ll find George Clooney and Brad Pitt, maybe even Taylor Swift. It’s disgusting the crazed mob pack mentality of these liberals. They’re complete whack jobs.”
This reporter was about to ask another question when Granger raised his arm. “No more questions. They’re fake protesters. You’re fake news. Anything that is not pro-Trump is by definition fake!” He peppered this reporter with sharp kidney punches and slammed his head into the wall.
“Case closed, I’m tired of being a nice guy,” Granger said, as he exited.
U.S. Sen. Lindsey Graham passed his audition for Attorney General last week at the Brett Kavanaugh hearings. He stopped by The Lint Screen offices to dispense some of his unique brand of chill.
Here are some of the insightful pearls the easy-going politician dispensed.
“It’s outrageous what passes for entertainment these days. Game of Thrones is a joke. Absolutely ridiculous. That stuff never happened. Dragons? Witches? Seriously?! What do you take me for, an idiot? It’s a big fat pack of lies. It’s all fake!”
“Judge Kavanaugh is a saint. Maybe the greatest man to ever walk the planet. Sorry, Jesus, but you’ll always be God to me. Brett Kavanaugh went to Yale for Pete’s sake! It’s outrageous anyone questions his past. It’s his future that matters and I want to see him spend the rest of his life on the Supreme Court bench giving his special brand of reasonable, cool-headed justice. Anyone who stands in the way of Judge Kavanaugh should know that you will be remembered. I’m making a list. And when we pass our enemies of the state legislation, every name on my list will be sent to the prison camps. Bank on it!”
“Missionary position, the best. The way God intended. Case closed. Glowing Triangle and The Bridge, sometimes, if you want something kinky.”
“The rule of law is sacred. It’s what separates us from the animals. That, and our ability to shop online and fluff pillows before bedtime.”
“Peanut butter and jelly is the greatest sandwich ever. The greatest, the best bar none! Ham and cheese? Give me a break. It’s doo-doo. BLT? Get off your high horse and get real. BLTPBJ, maybe, but no to BLT–– absolutely not! PBJ all the way, that’s what I say. And so help me God, I’ll kill any man who says anything different. Stab them in the throat with my Pilot pen. I’m talking to you, Dick Durbin! Watch your butt, buddy, or you might bleed out on the Senate floor.”
“Integrity is the most important characteristic of any man. Anyone who says anything different should die a slow painful death. Integrity, always!”
“John McCain was a good friend. I loved him dearly and I miss him, but he never should have been captured in Viet Nam. I agree with President Trump, I like my heroes not to get captured. Sorry, John. And you were also disloyal to Trump. Big mistake, buddy. Rest in peace.”
Brett Kavanaugh welcomes a thorough FBI investigation and invitations to keggers
Donald Trump has done it again!
After weeks of bitter bipartisan “wrasslin’” as Sen. Lindsey Graham might say, President Donald J. Trump did the impossible–– he persuaded the FBI to launch an investigation into some of the allegations about Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh.
“As I have said many times for a long time,” Trump told The Lint Screen, “the FBI does not do investigations into the pasts of Supreme Court nominees. Investigations are not their job. FBI stands for Federal Bureau of Incense. Most people don’t know that. But the FBI offices always smell like sandalwood. It’s very soothing, relaxing. Nice.”
But given the past 48-hours of drama in Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony against Brett Kavanaugh, the Trumpenator decided it was time to learn more.
“Brett Kavanaugh is an amazing man. Incredible judge. Very impartial, not at all political. A level-headed, cool and calm judge who looks great in a black robe. He has a perfect temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice. I did a great job picking him. Tremendous job, much better than Obama.”
Trump leaned back in his chair. “But, when this woman from the west coast started bellyaching about what Brett did as a drunk teen, she was probably put up to it by crooked Hillary, I decided to take action. The doctor lady was good, very dramatic. Used big words. I was moved. So I decided to demand the FBI do an investigation–– even though they have never done investigations before–– but I think it’s the right thing to do. And I know their report will smell very nice. Plus, it will shut up the naysayers for once and for all. I love women, by the way. No one loves women more than I do. I’ve had lots of them. Many women, the best women. It’s why I keep Tic Tacs in my pocket at all times.”
United States President Donald J. Trump was on fire today as he did stand-up comedy for a packed house of international visitors in New York City.
“I tell you, I don’t get no respect,” said a twitchy Trump as he straightened his ridiculously long Chinese necktie. “No respect at all. I asked my wife if I was good in bed. She said, ‘I don’t know. Ask Stormy, Mr. toadstool.’ Then she said, ‘Oh, wait, it’s all in her new book. I’ll read it to you sometime, stumpie!’ You believe that? No respect. I get no respect at all.”
Trump went on to critique the job he’s done since being elected leader of the free world. “It’s amazing, the job I’m doing. An incredible job. My administration has accomplished more than any other administration in the history of our country. So true.”
The crowd was on the floor laughing. Paramedics administered oxygen to those left breathless.
“Seriously, folks, I’m really, really very good at being president. Don’t believe me? I’ll ask an impartial expert. You can’t put words in this guy’s mouth, believe me!”
Trump sat in a chair as a limp Sean Hannity was carried on stage by two security officers and placed on the president’s lap. The Donald put his hand on his Hannity’s back.
DJT: Hey, little buddy.
SH: Hi, bossman.
DJT: Do you think I’m a good president?
SH: Yes sir–– the best ever!
DJT: Better than Lincoln?
SH: Uh-huh. Lincoln should’ve stuck to making logs.
DJT: And Washington?
SH: Absolutely. He brushed with Crest Termite Control. His breath smelled like sawdust.
DJT: What about the Roosevelts–– Teddie and Frankie?
SH: Those guys sucked. They did bupkis. You’re making America great again!
DJT: I am! Is there anything you think I could do better, Sean?
SH: Maybe don’t move your lips so much when I’m talking…
The Trumpster kicked his dummy off stage and did a blistering set about Brett Kavanaugh’s high school and college years of virginity.
“I think the pope got more action than Brett did in college. I call Brett Madonna–– because he’s like a virgin! Look, I want to put Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court so he can disrobe once in a while! The guy needs to relax if you know what I mean.”
He also torched his justice department. “I’m not saying Jeff Sessions is dumb, well, actually I am saying that. A very stupid man, Jeff. Short, too. Very small. Like a Hummel figurine. I want to dress the guy in lederhosen. Put him on my mantle. I mean it. And how about that Rod Rosenstein? I should get rid of that guy. Hit him right in his ugly four eyes. Do you think I should can him? If I did, what should I say?”
Trump smiled as the crowd egged him on for his signature line. He cupped a hand to his ear. The din of the general assembly was deafening.
Cruz campaign breaks in Texas to seduce voters into loving the hateful prick.
Sen. Ted Cruz is out to change public opinion!
The despicable little cretin is upset that many people have described him as a repulsive creep devoid of any humanity with the charisma of a moldy mop soaking in a bucket of cat urine and tobacco spit.
Enter Political POW! Marketing. The Dallas-based “brand enhancement” firm specializes in improving the images of political figures running for office.
“Ted Cruz is a bit of a challenge,” Larry Merdle, President of PPM told The Lint Screen. “We ran some focus groups about Sen. Cruz and discovered most people choke back vomit when exposed to his picture. Many plunged Bic pens into their eyes afterward. Obviously, people know he’s an insufferable a-hole jerk, so we had our work cut out in changing public opinion.”
The firm worked weeks on crafting a message for the marketplace, one that would shift perceptions about Cruz’s likability. The creative brief for the campaign was simple: “Convince people that vile, repugnant Ted Cruz is not as horrible as you think.”
Here is the script of the new TV spot that aired yesterday across Texas.
OPEN ON SHOTS OF HOUSTON, DALLAS, AUSTIN, SAN ANTONIO SKYLINES AT SUNRISE.
ANNOUNCER: It’s morning in Texas.
CUT TO SHOTS OF SMALL TEXAS TOWNS. A BARBER OPENING HIS SHOP, A POLICEMAN TALKING TO A WOMAN, A YOUNG CHILD RUNNING AWAY FROM A PRIEST.
ANNOUNCER: Everyday people are doing everyday things. And life today is a little better than it was yesterday–– thanks to one man.
CUT TO TED CRUZ SMILING.
ANNOUNCER: Senator Ted Cruz.
CUT TO TED CRUZ KISSING A BABY.
ANNOUNCER: He’s a man who loves people. A man people love right back.
CUT TO TED CRUZ PLAYING WITH A PUPPY.
ANNOUNCER: Ted Cruz also loves animals. But not in a weird way.
CUT TO TED CRUZ PRAYING IN CHURCH.
ANNOUNCER: Ted also loves God–– and hates infidels. May they burn in hell in lakes of eternal fire!
CUT TO TED CRUZ ON HIS COMPUTER LOOKING AT HIS FACEBOOK PAGE
ANNOUNCER: No wonder Senator Ted Cruz is so popular. In fact, he has seven Facebook friends he shares his life and ‘likes’ with. Seven! Talk about being Mr. Popular!
CUT TO TED CRUZ FINISHING TYING HIS NECKTIE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR. HIS WIFE WALKS UP AND STRAIGHTENS HIS TIE. BOTH LAUGH LOVINGLY.
ANNOUNCER: Vote for Senator Ted Cruz. He’s not a former dope smoking punk rocker in ripped jeans with a DUI and is a socialist who despises Texas barbecue and wants to take your guns so you can’t protect your wife and children from rapists, Nancy Pelosi, or Islamic terrorists.
CUT TO TIGHT SHOT OF TED’S SMILING FACE AND SEDUCTIVE EYES
