TH: I’m Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum. Since this unfortunate oil spill, I have been getting terrible mild headaches. My appetite is lacking and my palate cannot confidently discern a ’98 Petrus Pomerol from a ’99 Chteau Le Pin Pomerol. Looking at my massive net worth does not bring me the intense pleasure it once did. While I can empathize with what many people and animals in the gulf coast are going through, I wish more people would empathize with what I am going through. Look, we’re all in this together. I feel your pain, so please, return the favor and feel a bit of mine. Have a little compassion, won’t you? Thank you.
TH: You know, it’s easy to play the ‘blame game’ for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Sure, BP had 760 safety violations in recent years, but let’s not assume that makes us guilty of negligence in this horrific accident. If you’re like me, you believe in God, and He ultimately is responsible for everything on earth. After all, He made it, populated it and allows both good things and bad things to happen. Why God wanted this awful oil spill, I don’t know. But my faith is strong enough that I am willing to accept His will. I hope that you will do the same. I’m Tony Hayward, asking you to pray for me and BP.
TH: At BP, we’re concerned for your health. While many support solar power, we know that the sun can also be very dangerous with its harmful UV rays. Especially to those of us with pasty white complexions. Well, one benefit of the recent oil spill is that the pristine beaches so inviting to so many sun worshippers will soon be closed for clean-up operations. This means that BP is helping save millions of Americans from the dangers of UV rays and the risks of sun cancer. Protecting people is just another reason BP should be your first choice in quality petroleum products. Thank you and please don’t forget the sunscreen. BP cares.
TH: Hello, I’m Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum. At BP, we’re concerned about our environment because Mother Nature is our mother, too. She is getting on in her years and we love her as much as ever. So, we’re working hard to clean-up the unfortunate mishap that occurred recently in the Gulf of Mexico. While no one can say what exactly caused the terrible oil spill, we’re going to spend our own money and make great efforts to clean it up. Yes, it’s costing us a bloody fortune, but we will spend whatever it takes to make it right. You see, at BP we believe that oil and water don’t mix, and we’re going to help our poor Mother clean herself up. Not because it’s our fault, but because it’s the right thing to do for the poor old girl.
12 responses to “Rejected BP Scripts”
Wonder if Hayward’s ever thought about stuffing the blowhole with bombast?
When Tony gets some good rest and comes to his senses, he’ll realize what many of us already know. Why did his oil well blow up in the Gulf? The Devil did it!
That would certainly do the job.
Are you sure Tony isn’t the devil?
Oil is devil juice, enticing humans into gluttonous and unseemly behavior, while darkening their crystal white souls with sticky tar balls. Beware humans and go green!
I’m going to recycle your sage thoughts. Thanks.
Brilliant!!
My imagination took this to a “quizzy” level –> I’m going to repost this to my blog with the “quizzy” add-on … I hope you enjoy it 🙂 (It’ll be a little while yet — I’m a slowpoke about these things …)
Your blog is a gem — Thank you 🙂
Thanks for the kind words. Not sure what “quizzy” level means, but I’m looking forward to finding out. Cheers.
The silliness is complete!
“Quizzy” = like a quiz … which is what the post transmogrified into 😉
I note your name, “Scullin” … and i imagine you got lots of ribbing around the time of the “Miracle on the Hudson” … There’s your next Hallowe’en costume: Cap’n Scully 🙂 [Where does the name “Scullin” derive from?]
I hope you enjoy the post … I made it with great appreciation for your blog … Your humour strikes me as quick but not brutal — sassy without any sh*t being slung. It’s refreshing … Thank you 🙂
Thanks for the call-out on your excellent blog. “Scullin” is an Irish name although I believe the original spelling in the old country was “Scullion”… somewhere the “o” fell out and no one bothered to buy another vowel. Keep collecting Lint and may your next 50 years be even better.
Oh no! A shakedown! See George run. Run George run. See Dick run. Run Dick run. Wait a minute. Never mind. Nobody’s chasing. If anyone can find Dick and George, tell them there’s a guy named Tony who needs their money for some kind of fund, and wants his running shoes and his bird gun back.
Run, babies, run, run, run!