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BP Proposes Fixing Cheney’s Heart
Former V.P. Dick Cheney, age 69, received a HeartMate II LVAD (left ventricular assist device) last week and reportedly is recovering well. But officials at BP think they can help Cheney even more. “After the tremendous success we’ve achieved fixing pesky oil leaks, we sincerely believe we can help the former vice president with his…
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BP Says, “Que Sera Sera”
BP is getting tired of being the scapegoat for the Deepwater Horizon oil spill that is still dumping millions of gallons of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico, and the company is now taking a more Zen approach to its public relations. “Look, we’ve tried the old ‘apologetic, contrition, guilt’ and ‘we’re here for…
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Rejected BP Scripts
Recently, BP launched an extensive media blitz to reassure Americans that it is dedicated to cleaning up the mess it has made in the Gulf of Mexico. The spokesman for the TV campaign is the company’s chief executive officer, Tony Hayward. The Lint Screen has obtained some early drafts of scripts allegedly penned by the…
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BP Says “Whoopsie!”
An anonymous spokesperson for BP has confessed that the gigantic oil company responsible for the catastrophic Gulf of Mexico oil spill, “was never very good at math.””Originally we thought the oil spill was only 5,000 barrels of oil a day, which is only like, what, 210,000 gallons? No biggie. But we looked again recently and…