The Lint Screen

Feisty freshman Texas Senator Ted Cruz has accused First Lady Michelle Obama of “possibly cheating the world out of the legitimate winner of the Oscar for Best Picture, Lincoln by instead naming Argo as the winning film.”

Cruz noted that because the First Lady read the winner’s name from a sealed envelope, “who knows what was really printed on the card as the Oscar-winning film? She could have said anything, and what she did say was that a film that glamorized the failed presidency of liberal Democrat Jimmy Carter beat out a glorious film about the presidency of the first Republican, Abraham Lincoln.”

Cruz snapped the neck of a squirrel and continued his tirade. “Obviously, this cheating would be another attempt by her husband’s administration to deflect attention away from what really happened in Benghazi, and the fact that Chuck Hagel may keep ‘I Hate Israel’ signs in his basement, hidden behind his possible enormous collection of Nazi artifacts. I and the American public want to know the truth about what really happened last night at the Oscars, in Benghazi, in Hagel’s basement and in that Kenyan hospital where her husband may have been born!”

The White House refused calls from The Lint Screen, then again, most houses do the same.