Rep. Emmett Russell III of Alabama has proposed a Congressional bill that would force the First Lady to hold hands with her husband.

H.R. 321, “The Palm-to-Palm Act”, would make it a federal law that America’s First Lady must hold the hand of the President “at his discretion.”

“When a man marries a woman,” Rep. Russell told The Lint Screen, “that is a sacred trust that can never be broken because it’s two people vowing to love one another until death do them part. Which means a woman must do her man’s will when he likes, no matter what, no questions asked. It’s God’s law. And the man, well, he has sacred obligations for his sweetie–– like giving her some nice trinkets, sweet-smelling perfumes, fancy underwear, a Whitman’s Sampler of fine chocolates, or what-have-you on special occasions. That’s what love is, doing good for the goose and good for the gander.”

Rep. Russell said he has been married 39-years “to the same wonderful woman who took my seed and bore my offspring. You can call me an incurable romantic, but I firmly believe a woman needs to stand by her man at all times. And that’s especially true of the First Lady. And with my bill, if she don’t, she’ll be serving time.”