Is Punxsutawney Phil “in the tank” against Trump?

This morning, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, forecasting six more weeks of winter, and Rep. Devin Nunes, chairman of the United States House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, is livid.

“That damn big fat rat is an FBI mole,” Nunes told The Lint Screen. “The groundhog is in the tank against glorious leader Trump, and I aim to set the record as straight as an Evangelical on Saturday night.”

Nunes, who has alleged an anti-Trump bias by the FBI over the Russia investigation, thinks what happened this morning in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is further proof of a conspiracy.

“By sentencing America to six more weeks of winter, the deep state wants to put us in a deep freeze. The Liberati can’t stand the fact Trump beat Killery in a landslide election, getting more votes than any President in history. Not only that, President Trump’s inaugural crowd was the largest in the history of the world. And his state of the union address the other night broke records–– more people watched it than ten Super Bowls put together! El Capitan has an incredible 99% approval rating with the America people–– his people, and that makes the Obama-Killery crew furious. So now they’re doing everything in their power to shut him down, even if it means co-opting an innocent groundhog!”

Nunes thinks the plot with the groundhog seeing his shadow was a devious political act. “The deep state knows lousy weather gets Americans angry, and I suppose they hope the country will blame our courageous leader, who is determined to make America great again. It won’t work. Speaking as an unbiased representative, I won’t allow it to happen.”

The California congressman took a deep breath. “What’s going on now with Mueller and his goon squad is an affront to our freedom. They’re all Russian agents. Now, we must fight not only evil humans, but dastardly animals as well. But, there are still concerned, dedicated patriots like myself who will do whatever it takes to protect our fantastic president who speaks only truth to power. We will prevail!”

Nunes then hugged a picture of the president close to his heart and cooed like a baby.