Colorful character to hold court on Washington in 2019.
It seems conservatives and liberals alike were outraged over Michelle Wolf’s scathing 19-minute comedy set Saturday evening at the White House Correspondents Dinner.
“She said dirty words,” gasped an evangelical congressman. “I had the vapors!”
To ensure this doesn’t happen again, PBS megastar Big Bird will host next year’s event.
“This event is about compassion, unity, and fostering mutual respect,” White House Correspondents Dinner president Margaret Talev told The Lint Screen. “Michelle was divisive and critical of others. She used potty language, too. That is just not how things are done in Washington these days. We believe Big Bird will bring us together and perhaps take us on an exciting journey to Conjunction Junction. Our organization has serious journalists, and I’m sure they would enjoy that immensely.”
“Michelle made fun of Sarah Huckabee Sanders,” said an incensed New York Times reporter. “That is totally out-of-bounds–– like using the wrong fork at dinner. Sarah has a tough job to do and she does it well. All of us in the press corps appreciate her candor and forthrightness in telling it like it is.”
“I don’t know who that awful woman was,” a conservative writer said. “She did not show our president the respect he has earned in his efforts to make America great again. He doesn’t candy coat the truth. But her? She wasn’t white and she was a woman, and she said nothing but lies and treasonous insults. I suspect she was probably an illegal alien, maybe even an Islamic terrorist. Certainly not the kind of person who should have a microphone.”
First Lady Melania Trump is in guarded condition following her recent bout of excessive smiling while attending the funeral of Barbara Bush.
“The First Lady is recovering nicely,” Dr. Phillip Excelsey of Walter Reed National Military Medical Center told The Lint Screen. “We had feared her face might crack and suffer permanent damage, but, we believe her facial tissue is much more pliable than we originally thought. We believe she has the power to smile again.”
Mrs. Trump when in the company of her husband Donald J. Trump typically wears a stern face–– one that appears depressed, or a face projecting a desperate statement like “please-kill-me-now-or-help-me-escape-this-living-hell-with-this-asinine-man-child.”
“She projects her serious face that reflects her eternal loving admiration and respect for how presidential her husband acts,” White House media relations director Tippy McIntrosh told reporters. “Let’s face it, she is one lucky woman being married to undoubtedly the greatest world leader of all time. A man so many women want!”
The president’s spin master was peppered with questions from the press as to why the First Lady seemed so animated and happy at a funeral, away from her husband.
“She was probably thinking of President Trump and his incredible achievements in making America great again and his determination to snuff-out vermin like you fake newshounds. Now get on outta here! Go on, git!”
Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, it was reported a forum of Republican congressmen is drafting legislation to deport Melania Trump for brandishing her treasonous teeth.
Sean Hannity declares himself a victim in an evil plot against truth.
Sean Hannity fidgets in his seat as his hands work a fidget spinner so hard it creates hurricane force winds. His eyes dart about wildly as he leans forward and confides to The Lint Screen, “I am the real victim here, I tells ya. A truly innocent victim caught up in the liberal media’s vicious witch hunt against Trump.”
A federal judge in New York City revealed yesterday that Sean Hannity was the mysterious third client of Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s personal attorney. Last week, the FBI seized Cohen’s records as part of an ongoing investigation.
In addition to Trump and Hannity, Cohen represents GOP fundraiser Elliott Broidy. “I help my clients erase their affairs and scandals,” Cohen told reporters. “You know, the stuff they teach in law schools–– like how to make mistresses keep their big yaps shut!”
Cohen admitted paying porn actress Stormy Daniels $130,000 for her alleged affair with Trump. “I paid her myself because I’m a huge fan,” he said. Cohen helped his client Broidy by arranging payment of $1.6 million to the Playboy model he was having an affair with.
“When my clients have accidents like getting caught, I’m there with a checkbook to help,” the necktie-wearing hired lip-flapper said. But Hannity denies being Cohen’s client.
“Michael never helped quiet some floozy named Crystal I was doing every Monday and Thursday afternoon at three in The Four Seasons Hotel,” Hannity said. “I occasionally asked Michael his advice on real estate matters like what building would be a good place to stash a dead hooker. But Michael never charged me for his expert legal advice, so obviously, I was never legally his client. Who ever heard of a lawyer not charging his client? Lawyers do ordinary lawyer things like pay-off porn stars out of their own pocket.”
Hannity suspects Special Counsel Robert Mueller is targeting him.
“Last week, I exposed the Mueller crime family along with the Clintonistas and the Comey cabal,” he said. “They are all working overtime to smear the name of Donald J. Trump, a man with a sterling reputation built on his high moral character, Christian behavior, and absolute adherence to the truth. All these evil people are determined to derail the president from his sacred mission of making America great again, and they’ll stop at nothing to do just that–– even if it means slandering me in the process.”
The popular TV newsman pounds his desk and raises his silky voice. “This is an evil plot to divert attention from the big stories like pizzagate, Benghazi, Obama’s missing birth certificate and membership in ISIS, Mueller slashing a homeless man’s throat on a dare, and Comey’s plan to get a dirty bomb and blow up America if we don’t buy his stupid new book. The lamestream, blamestream media can try all they want, but they won’t silence me from telling the truth. It’s what I do!”
Hannity spun his fidget spinner, turned it horizontal and was propelled out of his office revealing a wet stain on his pressed slacks.
The heavy-hearted brave American leaves his post with pride and dignity!
True blue Americans are even bluer following the shocking news that Rep. Paul Ryan is retiring from his post as Speaker of The House by not seeking re-election. “I was a lock!” he confided to The Lint Screen.
The Speaker addressed the full Congress. “I’m proud of all I’ve accomplished in Washington, but, it’s time for me to return home and do my most important jobs of being a husband and father,” Ryan said, with a damp Kleenex at the ready to sop the liquid grief gushing from his dreamy baby blues.
“My wife and children encouraged me to stay in Washington, in fact, they insisted I stay put, for the good of our country. But I’m getting a little homesick.” Ryan said, pointing to the ruby red slippers on his feet.
“I leave Congress with great pride knowing I have helped put America back on track. Under GOP leadership, we have given hard-working Americans and corporations tax cuts that will reduce the enormous deficit the Democrats have run up under Obama. We have done amazing things for the country under the strong, reliable, and brilliant leadership of President Trump. Under his steady hand, the United States of America will continue its glorious march in returning to greatness again. And Americans can trust the journalists of Fox News to tell them the unvarnished truth and expose fake news. We can all sleep safely at night after hearing the unbiased honest reporting of Sean Hannity. And so, I can now leave with my head held high!”
GOP representatives hoisted Ryan on to their broad shoulders sprinkled with dandruff and paraded him through the floor of Congress as they cheered. They marched the Speaker back to his podium and the Wisconson hero dismounted the shoulders and curious exploring hands of his God-loving and devoutly heterosexual Congressional mates. He stood and looked proudly out at his domain. Then, the noble heroic patriot began crying like a baby (a very brave baby) and clicked his ruby red slippers.
Independent journalists will soon be speaking their corporate-mandated truth.
A pint of Old Grand Dad, two roaches, and good old-fashioned investigative journalism by reporters at The Lint Screen has helped reveal upcoming scripts for editorial segments to be carried by all 173 TV stations in the Sinclair Broadcast Group.
Here are the scripts soon to air in local markets nationwide.
“BEWARE!”
America is in critical danger. A terrible menace attacks us daily. What is it? The fake news media–– the enemy of the people!!!
How can you tell if a news story is fake? That’s easy. If the story is critical of our glorious leader and his dedicated supporters?
If it is, it is fake news.
Treacherous and treasonous fake news is an undercurrent in America threatening our very democracy. Fake news works by undermining those brave people giving their all to make America great AGAIN!
If you see or hear any alleged news item that is critical of President Trump, his Cabinet, or our leadership in Congress, ignore it. Know that fake news is like a bullet to the head of America.
Call or write the media outlet releasing fake news. Boycott its advertisers. And for goodness sake, stop watching or reading it!
Fake news could cause cancer!
Take comfort in the irrefutable fact that this station only broadcasts 100% accurate news reports. Real news you can trust like the baby Jesus and the adult Jesus.
Thank you.
“MUELLER MUST GO”
The time has come to call off the outlandish political witch hunt led by the un-American and disgraceful Robert Mueller.
His hate-fueled investigation charade has been going on for what seems like decades, wasting billions and billions of your hard-earned tax dollars, and for what?! Nothing!
While Mueller drinks his fancy champagne, smokes imported French cigarettes, and rides in chauffeur-driven luxury cars, his goon squad of divisive, disruptive, and dastardly leftists tries to smear mud on the reputations of good, honest Americans like you.
Dedicated and determined patriots who are working overtime to make America great AGAIN!!!
Mueller’s hatred of our glorious leader is destructive and dangerous. If his fake investigation is allowed to continue, your children could soon become gay, reject our Lord, and begin smoking Satan’s weed while cussing up a storm.
It’s past time this witch hunt was called off so our dedicated elected patriots can continue helping us return America to our greatness lost under Obama’s terrible regime.
Mueller must go–– for America’s sake, your children’s sake, and for God’s sake!!!
Amen.
“PUTIN”
The fake media would have you believe that Russia President Vladimir Putin is the worst human on Earth.
They bellyache and cry crocodile tears because our glorious leader President Trump works hard to improve our relationship with Russia.
President Trump was also swept into office by a landslide vote. If you deduct the illegal alien vote bribed by crooked Hillary, Donald J. Trump received an estimated 82% of the American vote.
Yes, like Putin, President Trump is extremely popular with his people. So it only makes sense that two incredible world leaders respect each other’s strength and want to work together, talk on the telephone, and share real estate transactions.
With the world in an ever-present danger of nuclear holocaust, U.S. President Donald J. Trump believes in the power of togetherness, so he recently invited Russia President Vladimir Putin to the White House “for a sleepover to end all sleepovers.”
“The sleepover would be epic,” press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told The Lint Screen. “The president said the two leaders could stay up late after Hannity, watch monster movies, and build a fort with sheets and pillows. Of course, the fort would be branded TRUMP. Their activities would also include telling spooky stories and making prank phone calls. First Lady Melania even agreed to make popcorn and S’mores. The president is very excited about the prospect of a fun sleepover with his good pal ‘Pootie.’”
Some in the fake liberal media have accused Trump of cozying up with a known enemy, but leaders in the Republican Party dismiss those criticisms.
“The president knows what’s he is doing,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said. “He knows the real enemy of America are Democrats and their agenda of confiscating our guns, teaching children science, and deleting the word ‘Jesus’ from the Constitution and the Bible. President Putin seems like a good guy–– he’s already agreed with the president that there was no collusion in the 2016 election. That’s enough proof for America and me, can we move on, please. Enough of the sour grapes!”
Eric Trump said he’d also like to attend his father’s sleepover. “I have a girlie magazine, and I know some good dirty jokes.” Chief of Staff John Kelley said that “would be impossible because there’s only room for two in the presidential sleeping bag.”
A pouting Eric stormed off to his room and slammed the door.
“The president is very excited,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “The morning after the sleepover they can watch Fox and Friends while eating a breakfast of crispy bacon and Pop Tarts. Then, the two scamps can play with president Trump’s nuclear football.”
There has been no word if Russia has accepted the president’s invitation.
