The greatest president ever? Did you have to even ask?
Now that the “long version” of President Barack Obama’s birth certificate has been made public, celebrity head o’ hair Donald Trump is demanding new proof of Obama’s citizenship.
“Look,” Trump told reporters while breaking ripe cantelopes with a polo mallet, “I’m an incredibly successful, charismatic natural born leader. Certainly the most intelligent human ever conceived. People want me to be President. I get that– they’d be nuts not to want me. Now Obama, he’s the leader of the free world–– why won’t he go on air and bare his belly for all the world to see that he was born of woman. I mean, come on, what’s he trying to hide? His showing his belly button would give some proof that he’s not an alien sent here to destroy civilization and eat our children, kill our seniors and bankrupt our society. What’s he trying to hide, anyway? Mr. President, just lift your shirt, bare the button and be done with it.”
“I’d make a great President,” Trump said. “The best ever. Lincoln’d be crap compared to me.”
It's a stunner, she is; the bride will stride in pride! Along with the rest of the world’s media, reporters from The Lint Screen have been swarming the streets of London looking for scoop on the upcoming matrimony of Prince William to Kate The Commoner, and we’ve unearthed a scoop that would give Ben & Jerry a hernia.
We have an exclusive sneak peek at Kate’s wedding dress!!!!
Oh, she’s a beaut, she is– all pretty in pink with a bell shape to make Kate’s legs ring-a-ling-a-ding down the aisle of Westminster Abbey. This breathtaking gown has lacy accents and enough class to fill both Oxford and Cambridge!
We suspect William’s knees will turn to soft toffee pudding when he catches a good gander at his mate all pretty in pink, ready for a dance and a drink. Terrence Ogden Nigel Cuppenstunce, a noted British fashion designer, says the dress is surprising in a number of ways.
“Kate eschewed the boring canvas of white or off-white in favor of some vibrancy and life. I love the poofy scoopage around her neck, and the long satin gloves add a certain swankiness that is, how you say– beautitific! Oh, this is a dress for the ages and I am quite literally breathless in anticipation.” With that, the elderly designer collapsed to the ground clutching his chest and gasping for sweet life.
I got the perfect wedding gift, but no one to give it to!Amazingly, I was not invited to the wedding of young Prince William to Commoner Kate.
Apparently Queenie-poo will never forgive me for “the macaroni salad incident” that happened when I met the Queen Mum in 2004. It was a joke, but let’s face it– The Royals have never been known for their senses of humor (or “humour” as they say across the pond).
I suppose I should be happy I don’t have to spring for pricey airfare or ask for a cot in Buckingham Palace. I do feel like I got stuck with a great wedding gift I bought for the happy couple. Now I’m either going to have to use it myself, or re-gift it to another marrying couple.
It’s unbelievable how unforgiving some people can be.
Beware what you write on the internets, weisenheimers!In a bold move, the Internet Police have stepped up prosecution of laugh out-loud (LOL) violations.
“We’re going to nip this problem in the old budarooski,” said IP Chief Randy McTaversh. “For far too long we’ve allowed polite smiles, mild chortles, even repressed chuckles to maliciously impersonate LOLs–– and we’re sending a message that this will not stand!”
Violators face serious prosecution including five-inch hot metal spiked driven through eyeballs, Louisville Sluggers ‘going for the fences’ on the kneecaps, repeated viewings of Louie Anderson’s stand-up routines and in extreme cases, beheading accompanied by genial mocking.
“I’m going to watch myself,” said internet fan, Mike Ralstond, “I have high speed hook-up and I wouldn’t want the Internet Police pulling me over for speeding. LOL.”
Visiting hours for Mr. Ralstond are 6-8 pm at Ferguson’s Funeral Home on Mission Street.
Linguist, genius, rock star!Charlie Sheen made earth-shattering historic news today announcing that he is seeking trademarks on 22 of his popular catchphrases, including “Duh, winning,” “Tiger blood” and “Rock star from Mars.” But this is only half the story.
Sheen has confided to his inner circle of sycophants and hangers-on that he has a new batch of catchphrases he’ll be unleashing soon, and that once these new phrases take root, he’ll be seeking more trademark protections.
These soon to released catchphrases include: “Spank the orphan,” “Actuary from Venus,” “Sippin’ nectar from a boot,” “Greasing the marsupial,” “Mail the derringer,” “Kip kip chareesha mikalee,” “Cheese, please,” “Nothing but fishnets,” “Territorial commerce kindredship,” “The vampire wore linen,” and “Woooo, snakey wakes!”
Experts say Sheen’s aggressive language mixology could change communications forever.
I recently flew to Orlando International Airport (MCO) for commercial production in town, and I’m here to tell you these folks got game.
Orlando is the home of Disney World, Universal Theme Park, Sea World and more casual dining chain restaurants than you can shake a stick at (although I seriously doubt an attacking casual restaurant would back down from a shaking stick). Orlando is all about having fun and magic, and the airport security TSA team does not disappoint.
Rather than employ traditional TSA uniforms, the security personnel wear soft character costumes of large bloodhound dogs with floppy ears and three-fingered paws, female muskrats adorned in yellow bonnets and large groundhogs with M-16 rifles. The lovable characters speak in comical, approachable and engaging tones. The fluffy, furry bloodhound says,“Hello, friend, my name is Snoopy Doodles and I want to make your security screening as fun, memorable and magical as possible. Now, I am going to run my paws all over your body, being extra careful not to touch your Satanic naughty parts…”
Snoopy Doodles proceeded to glide his soft paws all over my body as he hummed a happy tune. For added comfort, the paws are heated and vibrate softly. As he gave me the once over, Snoopy Doodles began to sing to me. “Oh, you’re so special
and I deeply care
I need to know
what’s in your underwear
My paws on your body
are to be lightly kissed
for I must make sure
you’re not a terrorist!”
When the security check was finished, Snoopy Doddles and his cohorts Maggie Muskrat and Gary Groundhog began dancing and singing. “He has no explosive residue
he’s not bin Laden’s friend
so we bid him fond adieu
for soon he will ascend!
Next, a troop of mimes pretend to be in boxes, but suddenly become free and explore their spaces as clowns on unicycles ride in a large circle juggling metal detector wands. Everyone (save the mimes) begins to sing in unison: “He’s an American, who’s true blue
he’s not bin Laden’s friend
so we bid him fond adieu
for soon he will ascend!”
A flock of white doves were released, as a marching band escorted me to the train for the terminal. It was quite a production and I have to say a magical experience that I’ll never forget. I even purchased the souvenir security check photo for $21.95 as a keepsake.
Impressive, MCO, very impressive! If you had Carl from Phoenix, the friendliest TSA agent I’ve ever had the pleasure of being felt-up by, I think you’d have a true blockbuster.
