The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.
"Where fake news gets real."
Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.
At 6 P.M. Eastern Standard Time today, the Rapture will arrive. Those of us who have led a good life of righteousness and obedience to Harold Camping will be whisked up to Heaven for our eternal rewards, while the rest of you are left behind and subjected to five months of God’s pranks–– earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, aggressive life insurance salespeople, Donald Trump, poo-flinging monkeys and what have you.
Across the globe, other al Quedaes express similar frustrations. “Osama bin Ladin was a great leader,” said a franchisee in a popular unnamed location. “He’d send us motivational videos and memos all the time. Even motivational posters with a picture of kitten with its paws hanging from a rope and the words ‘Hang in there, baby!’ Very inspiring stuff. Now? Now I can’t even get a sign saying ‘Employees must wash hands before returning to their dastardly douchebag behavior.’ I mean, come on, how hard difficult is it to deliver on that?!“
“Ozzie was a pig,” says wife #1, “the man never picked-up after himself in his life. He was a total slob. His mother spoiled him rotten–a real mama’s boy, that one. And his personal hygiene? Forget about it. The guy stunk like a dipped skunk, and wouldn’t know deodorant or a toothbrush if it bit him!”
The recent raid of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan pad resulted in his death, some nasty rug stains and his eternal shame and embarrassment as U.S. government officials today released details of records captured in the evil man’s lair.
PW: I say, my angel-love, these crumpets are quite lovely. Each morsel is absolutely divine. Heavenly, I must say!
KM: Enough of your incessant chatter, you twit, I can’t take it any longer! Could you possibly be quiet for just one moment, or do you never tire of hearing your incessant blathering?!
A spokesman for the reigning monarch issued the following statement this morning. “While the Queen does love a good festive dance, she believes that ‘the putting of a left foot in and a left foot out and the putting of a left foot back in and shaking it all about’ is not in keeping with the solemn occasion of this Royal union. She regrets the ill feelings any may hold by this decision, but she believes it is in the best interest of the Monarchy.”