The United States of America learned today that it had been rejected for its Discover Card application. A company spokesman said the country “poses too great a risk,” “has a shaky employment history,” and “is probably more of a Capital One-type of customer.”
While government officials expressed disappointment at the news, they were thankful for the tip about applying for a Capital One credit card. “They give those suckers to absolutely anyone, so we’re golden.”Some added muscle will raise needed revenue.Meanwhile, the government is organizing an army of church ushers to act as a goon squad going door to door across America with collection baskets.
An official said, “The ushers will be charged with taking whatever measures necessary for weisenheimers to part with their dough. We need cheapskates to pony up the benjis to reduce the huge deficit what we got.” The official added, “Look, we’ll do whatever it takes so we don’t have to raise taxes on billionaires, see. After all, they’re the bosses who make huge political donations for elections, they gots to be protected at all costs, see.”
The U.S. Government is about to become deadbeat nation if it defaults on its loans by not raising the debt ceiling by August 2.
For months, Washington has been gridlocked in finding a bipartisan solution. Today, one was found: the United States of America has applied for a Discover Card.
“When we get the card,” said a Washington insider proudly, “we’ll be able to pay our debts plus earn some cash back. We can spend that money on a new bomber or some corn subsidies. Discover is accepted by most foreign powers, so we should be good for awhile. When we get the bill, we’ll just pay the minimum balance. And if we get in over our head and we’re not able to pay the minimum balance, we’ll apply for a Visa. We’ll be fine.”
Elimination of taxes for super rich and corporations will boost economy, says Rep. Kinklemist
House Representative Willis J. Kinklemist, a Tea Party hardliner from Oklahoma, says his innovative plan will eliminate America’s high unemployment problem while turbo-boosting its anemic economy.
“We need to completely cut taxes for individual earning $1,000,000 or more a year, and eliminate all taxes on corporations. We cannot continue penalizing the people who bring jobs to America and the corporations who hire the American workers to protect their profits.”
Kinklemist believes his plan will have immediate results. “Millionaires will have to hire more Brinks truck drivers to haul around their cash. They’ll need small armies of forklift drivers to handle the crates of cash they’ll hoard. And, it will be a boon for companies that manufacture safes. The economic impact of this trickle down will be powerful. And corporations will also need to hire more accountants to keep track of the offshore factories and expenses building cheap products for Americans to buy. Corporations will also need more lobbyists and lawyers to keep an eye on their skyrocketing profits. The fact of the matter is, taxes are a drain on profits and it’s just not American. If we eliminate all taxes on the rich and corporations and contain it with the lower classes– where it belongs– we could really goose this economy!”
When asked about how lost tax revenue might affect public services like education, roads, environmental protection, healthcare, national defense, social services and others, Rep. Kinklemist testily responded, “Millionaires and corporations don’t need a socialist state if they can enjoy free range capitalism.”
Hooray USA Day! to save country and politicians.Political leaders of both parties could not agree on cutbacks or tax increases to solve the growing U.S. debt crisis, so they did what they do best– achieved a brilliant compromise.
In a joint press conference, leaders from the Democratic and Republican parties shared the exciting news of Hooray USA Day!, a brilliant new plan designed to raise funds to pay down the country’s debt.
“We recently conducted a $62 billion study to determine how average Americans raise funds when they are in a financial squeeze,” said R. “Bucky” Temptkins, a Republican Senator from Idaho. “What we found was that some people starting cooking meth or engaging in prostitution, which while lucrative, did not sit well with our family values. Other ways they raised monies included yard sales and selling blood.”
“We also looked into how community groups raised funds,” continued Lawrence Moonpie, a West Virginia House Democrat. “We discovered many of these organizations hold bake sales or car washes and that these activities are quite effective at raising needed monies.”
“So,” said Sen. Temptkins proudly, “we came up with an innovative plan to save entitlement programs and tax cuts. It’s something we call…” both politicians beamed proudly as they shouted into the microphones in unison, “Hooray USA Day!”
The men high-fived, curtsied to each other and smiled broadly.
Rep. Moonpie continued, “Hooray USA Day! proves our nation is the greatest in the world because it preserves our precious political capital and raises funds solely with grassroot efforts.”
“The very efforts Tea Party types like and support,” said Sen. Temptkins, “and we only spent $480 million to come up with the catchy name Hooray USA Day!”
“It works like this,” said Rep. Moonpie, “on Saturday, August 20, we will divide our country into three fund raising forces. Those whose last names begin with the letters A through H will participate in a great bake sale, baking their favorite recipes and putting them up for sale to their fellow Americans. Those whose last names begin with I through Q will grab sponges, super chamois towels, buckets, hoses and host car washes in the parking lots of local supermarkets. And those whose last names begin with the letters R through Z will hold yard sales getting rid of all nonessential possessions.”
“Each activity will have a cash box,” continued Sen. Temptkins, “and at the end of the day a fleet of Brinks trucks will pick up the monies and take them to local banks where the funds will be tabulated and forwarded to Washington in order to pay down the debt. In a $610 million study we conducted, it is projected we can raise over $500 trillion with these Hooray USA Day! activities– provided we can get premium prices for our nation’s used Journey CDs, James Patterson books, ratty recliners and ‘Friends’ DVDs.”
Both politicians smiled broadly as Rep. Moonpie issued closing remarks. “We don’t have to cut anything from our budget or raise any taxes. Hooray USA Day! is the Godsend we’ve all been looking for! If it’s as successful as we think it’ll be, we may make it an annual event.”
The tough guy mobster was all weak-kneed for the whipped cream!When notorious Boston mobster and public enemy #1, 81-year old Whitey Bulger was captured last week in Santa Monica where he had been on the lam for 15 years, many were shocked and surprised. But one person was not: Tim Ergskins, the barista working the Starbucks on the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica.
“The old dude was a regular,” said the young cappuccino slinger. “Like clockwork, every morning at 8:20, he and his old lady would come strong with the same order: vente triple-shot skinny latte, no foam, and a grande caramel macchiato with extra whipped cream. That old gangsta surely liked him some whipped cream, he did.”
Ergskins, a six year veteran in the caffeine wars, said he was suspicious about Bulger from the beginning. “The guy didn’t talk much, but when he did, he said mobby things like, ‘Do it, punk, or I’ll kill ya, ya dirty rat!’ Or, ‘Why, I oughta give you some concrete shoes and a nice swim in the ocean.’ Or, ‘Wise guy, huh? Howzabout I give you some extra lead in your diet?!’ I mean, it was kind of creepy how aggressive the old coot could get.”
The 27-year old barista shakes his head slowly in disbelief. “I should have known something was up, but Bulger always tipped a crisp $100 bill into the jar. I just figured he appreciated my art. It’s weird.”
Osama bin Laden had unfulfilled wishes before he kicked it.In the stash of info and porn gathered from Osama bin Laden’s crib/compound on May 1, a rare insight into the madman was released today: his official personal bucket list.
In a world exclusive, The Lint Screen is pleased to present it in its entirety. (NOTE: The original list was in the angry kook’s handwriting, which was atrocious, on note paper that had leprechauns riding unicorns beneath vibrant-colored rainbows.)
OSAMA BIN LADEN’S SECRET BUCKET LIST TOP SECRET!!! DON’T READ– THIS MEANS YOU!!!! SERIOUSLY, DON’T READ THIS!
1. To play Nathan Detroit in a Broadway production of “Guys And Dolls” or Tony in “West Side Story.” I know I can nail “Somewhere.”
2. Enroll in DeVry and get that degree in neuroscience or vinyl repair.
3. Eat 24 White Castles.
4. Get some killer porn– something with Debbie Reynolds maybe.
5. Start a new terrorist club: The Carefree Kidz
6. See the Grand Canyon. Blow it up.
7. Get a better driver’s license picture, one that doesn’t make me look so fat.
8. Appear on “Dancing With Stars,” tango like there’s no tomorrow.
9. Guest host for Leno.
10. Direct a feature.
11. Shake hands with Bono, sing “Pride: In The Name of Love.”
12. Defy gravity just once.
13. See Eiffel Tower. Blow it up.
14. Learn some bitchin’ guitar licks, shred like crazy.
15. Cut off this damned beard. Itches like fiberglass insulation with itching powder in it.
16. Find a wounded bird. Step on it.
17. Play the slots at Wynne, catch Garth Brooks, eat a steak and don’t even count calories!!!
18. See all the wonders of the world. Blow them up.
19. Work with Woody Allen or Adam West.
20. What was that noise I just heard? Is there someone in the house? It’s the middle of the night for pete’s sake. Are those soldiers? What are they doing here…
